H and I in process of separation/divorce instigated by me. 1 ds who is going through a tough time with puberty and misses H terribly. I know H wants us back and is devastated. We still spend time together to try and support ds and every time we do I am reminded of the fact that everyone's pain is down to me. Reasons for leaving: nothing in common anymore, no sex for nearly 2 years and the idea of it makes me cringe, arguing and toxic communication, both of us low level depressed and feeling unloved for ages but agreed we had no energy/will left to change it, I was fantasising about other men or about H cheating and he admitted he had dreamed of a nicer relationship than ours. Being in the old family home, around him, I feel incredibly trapped and upset. In my new home I feel sad and lonely and anxious at times but not this caged animal feeling.
And yet. Ds will never have another dad; they are sweet together, so similar and rub along well, and he desperately wants to be back in a family unit. As a couple we are financially great and no money worries. Also, H now says he misses me and wants to try counselling etc to make it work. I just can't bring myself to do it, it feels like it would be a lie and a waste of time.
I just feel so, so guilty. I can hardly live with myself at times. I've had suicidal thoughts about it sometimes, mainly the guilt over ds, and how badly H is coping with it all, and the worries over my financial future. And yet going back just doesn't seem like an option anymore for me.
Please help me with your stories in a similar situation.