I am in an abusive relationship and I can't leave

[lolit]

I broke it off so many times and I always end up coming back.

He doesn't hit me, but he pushes me, threatens to punch me and kill me, screams at me all the time, calls me the R word because I am on the spectrum, calls me a bitch and a whore etc.

We don't even live together and I don't depend on him financially. But I just can't leave because I have nothing. I have been struggling with severe depression and PTSD my whole life because caused by my father's abuse. Because of this, I have no job, no pension, no career, no family because they all sided with my father etc. I end up rebuilding my life somewhat and then my MH gets so bad that it all falls apart again, I lose my job.. Rinse and repeat. So I stay because my life is so pathetic that being in this relationship is better than being alone.

I don't even know what the point of this thread is, I guess I just needed to finally say it out loud after being in denial for 4 years.

You’re not in a relationship, you’re being abused by a controlling bullying cunt and being single is a million times better than keep going back to have more shit thrown at you.

What do you truly get out of this relationship? What joy does this cunt bring to your life?

I really think you would be better off alone than with this. Go to the GP and ask for referrals to support groups. You may make some real friends. I'm sure others with more knowledge than me will come with more help.

Hi @lolit . I'm so sorry you are going through this. As others have said, being alone has to better than this??

Also do you have any hobbies that could help you build a network of other people that can help support you?

I know taking care of yourself with depression can be hard. However being in this relationship is so damaging to you. I really hope you get the energy to leave this relationship.

It's not uncommon for women who have suffered childhood abuse to keep finding themselves in abusive relationships. This is because the abuse is so familiar and associated with love.

What you feel for him is not love, it's trauma bonding and it's a very strong bond. Abusive relationships can be very addictive as they hit such extreme highs and lows. Life can feel very empty without them.

You need to go cold turkey, like you're coming off a drug. It will be tough but you have to love yourself more. Block his social media, his email and phone number. Change the locks and if he turns up ignore him. If he becomes aggressive then call the police.

Do the Freedom Programme and see your Dr if you're feeling overwhelmed. Get support from your local domestic abuse organisation, get advice on specialised counselling.

In what way is being with him better than being alone? Specifically?

Because he is not like this all the time and when he is not like this, he is completely the opposite, sweet, loving, caring

Look up the cycle of abuse.

Can you join a group, something where there are lots of ND people? Start making your life better then maybe you could work up the strength to leave.

Well done OP.

This is part of organising your thoughts and making sense of your current situation.

Not that many people are awful 100% of the time. Not even 50% of the time.

There are also different profiles of unhappy or abusive relationships, where someone might be awful 10% of the time, but that might be enough to seriously put the future of the relationship in doubt or to even put the other person in danger.

In others, the awfulness might be less severe, but more frequent and it's the steady drip-drip that grinds someone down over the years.

It can throw someone into confusion thinking about this because you don't want to let go of something good, don't want to be one of these people who think the grass is greener on the other wise when it isn't. I don't think you're one of those people.

he pushes me, threatens to punch me and kill me, screams at me all the time, calls me the R word because I am on the spectrum, calls me a bitch and a whore etc

This is so far away from loving behaviour, and I do think he will end up punching you one day, maybe even worse.

Do you really want to wait until it gets to that stage before you leave him? The time to leave him is now. Please speak to women's aid. I think you could do with speaking with the Police as well but I appreciate that's quite scary.

Because that’s what abusers do. They throw just enough crumbs to keep you on the hook before the abuse starts again.

Sweet, kind, caring are not words that relate to the man you describe in your OP

But when you think about it that doesn't make sense really does it. Imagine your relationship is like a sandwich. It doesn't matter if a sandwich is 95% delicious fresh bread, crispy bacon and lettuce, and only 5% human poop. The 5% poop is enough for you to not want to eat it. The fact that the rest of it is great really doesn't matter.

You’re in a relationship that is abusive and controlling. I know how hard it is to get out of one of those, it took me well over a decade. It is by design and not accident, you are made to reach a stage of total dependency.
You will feel utterly lost and bewildered when you leave, it’s the same as having an abusive parent, you love them and need them as it’s all you know and there also good times.
But the bad heavily outweighs the good, something that you will see after you come out of it.
Contact shelter or go to your local church. Find some support and somewhere to stay. It is tough starting on your own but also very do-able. Take the leap, please!

@lolit would you be able to access counselling?
You've gone through a hell of a lot already and you have tye ND to deal with on the top if it.
Im not surprised it feels possible to leave. That you wouldn’t be able to have a life wo him.

But you can
And to first you need to start believing in yourself a bit more than you do now.
Counselling would be able to guide you and find your confidence again.

This is classic abuser behaviour. If they were awful all the time, you would leave. It is the crumbs of kindness and the hope of more that keep you there. This was explained to me when I did an abuse survivors course run by my local Women's Aid.

Please get some direct support from your local Woman's support organisation. It was invaluable for me.

being in this relationship is better than being alone.

Is isn't though is it. He's causing you a great deal of psychological harm.

Please look into counselling urgently, call Women's Aid, maybe look into the Freedom Programme.