I feel like my husband wants to take away my joy

[hollolew2]

I have finally lost it with my husband. Trying to cut a long story short . We have put our home of 8 years we have just put it up for sale & although I’m on board with it it’s going to be a terrible wrench for me . My blood sweat & tears went into renovating it & it was our joint decision to buy it & do up & he has moaned for the past 5 years about it & the mortgage which I understand he’ll be 60 next year wants to retire etc & I also don’t want him to work & enjoy his life.
I haven’t got a buyer but he refuses to talk about where we would go next he just says we’ll rent somewhere I am a fixer upper & would do it on my own I wouldn’t care . He also says strange things like patio is slippery for the grandkids we’ll need to paint special stuff on it for next summer but thats 8 months away so we will probably have sold the house by then so why is he saying stuff like that?
Also my son is getting married to a lovely girl & my daughter in laws family are happily paying for the majority of the wedding ( we are contributing) & we agreed to throw them an engagement party at the local golf club .That has been a nice distraction from the house being sold. Anyway last night my daughter & grandchildren were here for dinner & we are all excitedly chatting about the wedding / engagement & he starts saying Im planning another wedding its ridiculous because I want to book a singer for entertainment the whole thing is too much & Im ridiculous. when they left I finally lost it & he didn’t apologise just goaded me more.
I told him I feel like he doesn’t want me to have any happiness & when I said shrink the numbers he said its gone too far now you can’t ( I haven’t sent out any invites) Ive screamed & shouted I wanna divorce it’ll be easy now the house is going .
I feel like he doesn’t want me to be happy .
this has nothing to do with money we have a good pension & savings & there is plenty.
I am so sad if this is going to be the last part of my life I don’t want it like this

Do you want to be miserable with him being miserable and getting worse or try being happy on your own?

They're your choices.
Let's face it, it's highly unlikely he'll change.

So stay and it be like this until you die.
Or split and be self sufficient and find whatever happiness you can.

So you own the house you're in and you're going to sell it to rent?

Why?!

Stay in the house and re-evaluate whether you want to stay married to him or not.

Yes this. I wouldn’t do this.

Yes, this makes no sense. Isn’t there enough equity in the house to buy somewhere else with a smaller mortgage? Can you afford to buy somewhere smaller and pay the mortgage alone?

As PP have said - how is paying rent monthly better than paying mortgage instalments monthly? Surely it’s worse because you have no security and no asset. @hollolew2 His rationale makes no sense - at least not as explained here. Have you challenged him on his thinking?

Don’t get off the housing ladder!!!
why does your DH get to decide that?
speak up now

I your final paragraph you say it’s nothing to do with money, but to me it seems like money has everything to do with it.

You bought a fixer upper and have spent years renovating it, which must have cost a fortune.

You are contributing to your sons wedding & paying for an engagement party,

Your are now contributing to your daughters wedding.

Your husband is 60 soon and is understandably looking at retirement but still has a mortgage to pay. And will be paying out large sums of money for the foreseeable.

So from his perspective it seems sensible to sell the house, rent for a while & then buy a smaller turnkey property. Why does this mean he doesn’t want you to be happy? Spending money doesn’t equal happiness.

Engage with the thread you started, OP.

I'm not sure about this. Is your dh a grumpy arse? Or are you a my way or the highway person and your DH is pushing back? I can’t tell. I don’t like the sound of you screaming and shouting and threatening divorce. How does he react to that?

I have to say, at a similar age to your DH the idea of starting in a new doer-upper makes my heart sink

I found your post very confusing to follow. Renting is extortionate and difficult to get, why would you do that rather than sell one house and buy another if you have plenty of money? Are you downsizing, because he wants to retire? Why doesn’t he want to buy again? Do you want a doer upper , and he doesn’t want to stress of that? The stuff about the wedding sounds like either he’s got concerns about your spending or maybe he’s just a miserable bugger.

OP, you sound as if you are being emotionally abused by him.
Please contact Women's aid for a chat.
Get some recommendations for a good divorce solicitor.
Are you happy?
Is this the future you want.
I am your age and his behaviour is not normal.
He is goading and tormenting you.
Take control back.
Get legal advice and look at securing our future away from him.
He doesn't think you will do it.
Time to let him know you are done and have had enough.
Don't let this be your future.

Why are you selling the house if you don't want to?

You should be making decisions equally.

Why not keep it and ask him to move out?

Well you say there's plenty of money. Are you certain? If so, why do you still have a mortgage at your age? You seem very spendy to be honest. Could your husband be worried about all the expenditure and you, much less so? I'm not picking up any emotional abuse vibes from him but I am sensing that you want your own way all the time.

I’m picking up red flags. .
No wonder op is confused .

Is he wanting the house sold as he plans to leave . Something isn’t sitting quite right with me .
Maybe he’s just a narcissist who takes joy away from people .

OP you'd be mad to sell your house and rent in this market. Why on earth would you spend your equity paying rent? I am fairly sure you'll pay more in rent than you do on your mortgage. Renting is also hugely insecure - what will you do when in six months' time you get told that the rent is going up by 25%? Or that the landlord wants the house back?

Your H sounds extremely rude and unpleasant. Put a pause on selling the house, and think very carefully whether you want to spend the remainder of your one precious life with someone like this.

he’ll be 60 next year wants to retire

Sounds like you’re selling the house to enable him to quit work. Does he have an amazing pension?

If not,he’s only 59, are you prepared to subsidise him for the next possibly 35 years?

Do you really want to spend the next 35 years living like this?

Do not sell your house to rent and pay the landlords mortgage..
it does seem like he's concerned about finances rather than to take your joy away

Where are people reading that the husband is abusive? Bit weird to put the house up for sale with zero plan, but OP is going along with it.

OP wrote she 'lost it' and was screaming and shouting at the man (not sure what about), which is never acceptable.

I’m also confused by people saying the dh is abusive (and trust Me I’m as keen as any MNer to call out abuse). It seems he just disagrees with her on some big spending decisions being made without his input. Which is not abusive imo.

I agree that the moving without a plan agreed is odd - on both of their parts. OP wants another renovation project, DH doesn’t. Something eventually will have to give there.

You’re selling to rent? Seems counterproductive. Do you want to split?

This sounds so sad. A joy sucker.