Don't know if I'm ready to date/start a relationship yet

[Orangefiz]

Hi all, just hoping for some perspective on this.

I separated from my exh 8 months ago. I'd been with him for 18 years - we were in love and there were good times etc, but then he started to get emotionally abusive, angry, cold, throwing things, shouting at me, gaslighting etc for the last 10 years. I'm now going through therapy as I still have a lot of conflicted feelings about the marriage. I found it hard to get my head round the fact exh could be so loving sometimes and so horrible at other times.

I met this other guy through work around 2 years ago. I was already planning to separate from exh at this point. He was really kind and supportive. We got on really well and there was clearly physical and emotional attraction on both sides.

When my exh and I separated, this other guy asked if I wanted to go out for coffee. I said no as I was still feeling in turmoil from my marriage ending.

But I had such deep feelings for this guy - I honestly felt such a connection with him, it felt like I was in love with him.

He then asked me out for a coffee again, and again I said no. He then said that he'd leave it up to me to contact him if I ever wanted to. We knew we wouldn't see each other for a few months as we'd be on different projects.

During those few months,I was still grieving my marriage and coming to terms with everything. But I still thought of this other guy every day and still felt really strong feelings for him.

When we saw each other again after a few months, he told me he'd now got into another relationship. I was heartbroken (even though I knew that wasn't really fair as I'd turned him down before). I didn't show him I was heartbroken though, and was just bright and breezy and friendly. He seemed relieved that I was reacting like that.

His relationship only lasted a couple of months and he's now single again. He came to talk to me the other day and just in general conversation said that his relationship had ended. He saw my reaction when he was talking about it (which I think showed I was feeling hurt and upset) and looked concerned. He wants to meet up for another chat next week.

This all sounds really convoluted I know. I just feel really confused about everything and don't know if what I'm feeling is "normal". I think he might try to talk things though, and ask where he stands with me, as there is still so much chemistry between us. But I feel so hurt he got together with another woman. I don't know if that's totally irrational or not, as I had said no to going out with him.

I think I'm not feeling confident about my feelings when I like someone, due to everything that happened with my ex. My ex told me he loved me so much, unconditionally and forever, then went on to emotionally abuse me for years. I just couldn't (and still don't) understand that. I'm working through all of this in therapy, and I am making progress.

I really like this new guy and can't stop thinking about him, but does he like me as much if he could just forget about me and get into a relationship with someone else? I don't know if I feel I can trust anyone's feelings about me.

I don't know if I'm massively overthinking everything. Any perspectives would be very welcome!

Hmm

• you're only out of the abuse 8 months
• you're still working through everything in therapy
• is the divorce completed yet?
• he is a work colleague so if it goes wrong it'll affect your work life as well

I think this adds up to this bloke being a distraction and not a great idea at this point.

It's really common for people who have been in abusive relationships to fall into subsequent similar ones, so you need to be wary.

Personally I think it'd be better to leave it.

My ex-H was emotionally abusive. I had help from Women's Aid. Divorce was difficult as he wouldn't engage with the process.

Officially single just over two years now (seven years since the split) and I don't think I'm ever going to have a relationship again.

It's not about trusting the other person for me, I just don't want to give away my autonomy. I don't want to compromise on things that are important to me. I don't want to put someone else's happiness before mine.

All the things that I lost when I was being abused, I value them too much to give them away. I've found who I am now and I'm not losing that again. No man is worth that.

What do you want? You've said that this man wants this or he wants that, but what do you want? Don't let him pressure you. You can't be that important to him if he's not prepared to wait or listen to you. There's nothing wrong with being single. You will find strength and depths you didn't know you had.

@category12 no, we haven't even started the divorce process yet. For various reasons, including the fact that we have dc together, and also other slightly complicated financial issues, we are currently thinking that we will continue to have joint finances for another 5 years or so, then start the divorce process. That may of course change, but that's what we're thinking at the moment.

Re the new guy being a work colleague making things potentially awkward, yes I was thinking about that too, but actually I do have some autonomy over which projects I will be doing at work, so I would be able to avoid working with him if necessary.

But yes, I agree with you about needing to be wary if you've come out of an abusive relationship. It is definitely taking time to process and heal everything.

@unsync I'm sorry to hear you had an emotionally abusive relationship too.

I totally understand about not wanting to give away your autonomy or have to compromise again. I feel like that too. Even if I did get into another relationship I wouldn't want to live with them. I am not well off by any means, but when my ex and I finally sort everything out, I will be financially independent and would never want to have joint finances with someone again.

"What do you want? You've said that this man wants this or he wants that, but what do you want? Don't let him pressure you. You can't be that important to him if he's not prepared to wait or listen to you. There's nothing wrong with being single. You will find strength and depths you didn't know you had."

That's interesting you asked what do I want, as actually my therapist picked up that I am always thinking about what everyone else wants or feels rather than what I want!

I do want intimacy and connection with this guy but I'm scared of it going wrong. I'm worried that I haven't healed enough. I wasn't looking for anyone when I met him, it just happened. When I was first planning to separate from my ex I was thinking that I would be single for a year or two, sort things out, and heal, before I even thought about dating again. I actually really like living on my own with the dc, and making my own decisions about things - I love it! If I did have another relationship, the ideal scenario for me would be to maybe see them once a week or something!

Re him not waiting or listening to me - to be fair to him, I haven't really explained how I'm feeling to him. He knows that my ex had mental health problems but I haven't told him in detail about the emotional abuse. I just told him that I didn't feel ready for a relationship, but didn't explain in detail why. He said that when we talk next week he wants to hear more about how I'm feeling, as I think he was really concerned when I seemed hurt about him being in his relationship.

Maybe I need to be more open with him about everything.

I would go for it, but take it slow and take it gently.

Be very careful about explaining the history of abuse. If he's the wrong sort of guy, it gives him ammunition and a way of exploiting your vulnerabilities.

It's also A Lot.

You need to have good boundaries if you're contemplating dating. You don't know this guy that well.

@category12 that's true - thank you for your advice.

That's a good point not to be too open about the emotional abuse. I think I will mention it briefly, as it's a large part of the reason why, if I started dating anyone, I would want to take things slowly, but I will just not go into great detail about it.

Why not keep it light and casual? You're going from 0 to 60 here. Slow down a bit.

The fact this guy had a brief relationship with someone else after you had turned him down twice is not something I think you should feel upset about. I'd worry more if he had kept himself available just in case you changed your mind, that would have been a bit obsessive and desperate. Would you really have wanted him to put his emotional life on hold when you had clearly stated you weren't available?

I would give it a go. You both seem to really like each other and you've been working through your feelings with a therapist which I hope you continue.

I agree don't disclose the abuse and how vulnerable you are until (if) the relationship develops and a deep bond and trust has formed.