A tale as old as time but would really appreciate some help with how to manage STBEXH who holds on to his “rights” as a father but is never with them, will never take them alone and is constantly changing plans.
when other people have them, like me or our regular nanny, he will occasionally rock up for 30mins-2 hours, sit on his phone and be served food and drinks while he watches the DC play and then leaves again.
he holds his “rights” to the DC very strongly, and regards himself (and tells others) that he is a really hands on parent, and that I am the crazy, absent one. Cliche I know.
when he is due to have them he changes plans 30mins before. Always some kind of crisis like sudden illness, flat tyre, accommodation disaster, or a work change of plan that is critical around him affording half of kids maintenance (he holds the fact I am preventing him from earning and therefore paying 50/50, by being bothered about his “sudden” work shifts which mean I have made plans and the DC are expecting him and have to suddenly rearrange things myself to take them.)
he’s been very careful of having very little obvious paper trail around this. Pulling out is a quick call, and all he gets doctor’s notes for illness (“STBEXH has an upper respiratory infection”)
it is stressing me to the max because as well as working FT and being with the kids in all hours god gives apart from work, I am catching balls dealing with his pulling out.
his speciality is the being there but not doing anything. He will say he misses the DC but turn up when someone else is doing the grunt work and criticise from the sidelines, have a nap on the sofa next to them or buy them something ridiculous and then leave.
he is, predictably, extremely opinionated about what they should behave, be treated and what they should do but does not hold himself remotely responsible for executing on this.
How do I get control of this?