I'm at a crossroads in my life and relationships

[Charliechoco]

I've always been very social, out most weekends seeing friends and socialising. My partner would do the same thing. Although together we had our own worlds with our own friends. I remember feeling very distant from him, not happy in my relationship at this time.

Flash forward 2 years, it is very much quite the opposite. I have stripped my social circle back and removed a few friends and ironically I've never been happier with my partner. We have bought a house and in the new chapter of our lives.

I work from home and sometimes don't leave the house during that week. On the weekends I would rather spend this time with my partner or occasionally with a close friend.

I guess what I'm saying is that I have slowed down. My partner however still likes to go out most Fridays and during the week for drinks with colleagues. There are times I feel somewhat alienated. I don't think my social life is bad... I see friends occasionally, enjoy my own time and taking care of myself. However in comparison to my partner, who is out often, I find myself comparing our lives and questioning whether my new lifestyle is healthy.

On top of this, I have many friends who are always active! Seeing people during the week, every weekend, and I just couldn't think of anything worse. For that reason they struggle to find the time to see me as much as I would like. I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me. I don't feel depressed, I am perfectly at peace. But perhaps my lifestyle is not healthy and I should be out socialising more with people.

Sometimes I feel as though my partner feels I'm holding him back from his social life. He wouldn't admit it. But for that reason (above) I wonder whether my lifestyle is the problem.

I was also burnt by a few friends this year that has made me pull back from confiding so carelessly into people. I feel I've also outgrown quit a few friends which can feel quite ostracising at times. I still get the invite, but don't want to attend. I'm really craving more adult relationships with people that want a slower life, off of social media and the online circus where everyone seems to go and flaunt their lives.

I am 33, planning a family next year and have been in a 5 year relationship. I would like to hear about your own lives, schedules and if you feel the same as me? I surely can't be the only one to feel this modern pressure of socially performing.

When you say you want to start a family next year OP is this something both you and your partner are on board with?

I think I would be a bit worried about the fact he has such an active social life and is out such a lot. You say he feels even now that you hold him back from enjoying as full a social life as he wants. So how is going to react if and when you have a baby? Will he adapt his life style to being a parent or will he expect to carry on having a full social life while you stay at home doing the parenting?

It's one thing to enjoy your home life but if you end up having to stay at home with a small baby while your partner continues his active socialising you will probably end up feeling trapped.

It's the separate socialising that's a tad odd. Why do you not socialise together? You are of an age where you friends probably have partners too. It's about balance, sometimes out with fiends solo, sometimes as couples. But if you're happy, that's what counts.

The majority of our friends are single, it's a strange setup. He typically has male friends and I have female friends part of different social groups. Do not get me wrong, we will occasionally all go for a drink or a long walk, but 90% of the time it's hard to bring everyone together as everyone schedules are different.

Yes, this has crossed my mind. That said, I know he would make an amazing father and he is on a similar page to me. I've communicated with him how I feel, but perhaps i need to start being more social myself

I would say the only issue is - are you invited along on his nights out but choose not to go? Because you prefer to be home or is he excluding you.

One is fine - different social types - the other is out of line.
X

It sounds a bit like you’ve stopped socialising because you think it’s the right thing to do as you move into your mid-30s, rather than because you actually want to? And you think your partner should feel the same?

5 years ago everyone’s socialising was about to grind to a halt. How did you feel then? Was it easy to pick back up after the pandemic, or is that what actually drove the change?

My 30s were some of the best days of my life, that lovely period of freedom with my husband before starting our gorgeous family. We went out both together and separately.

I hear what you’re saying about social media. Couldn’t agree more. Ultimately it’s what makes you happy but I think it often pays to push through and get yourself out of the house, even for a short time. It was misty and drizzling here last night and after a hard week at work/school we all went out into the city for food and a social. Non of us wanted to but we all decided to “push through” and what was waiting for us was a fabulous Friday night.

Get out a bit more at least, while you can. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. You’re so young still.

Enjoy your weekend.x