I need a hug - please be gentle with me *Trigger warning -child abuse* no details.

[Ibloodylovetea]

DH isn't a drinker, But today he saw a counsellor as I'd encouraged him to do as he has some serious abuse issues from his childhood which I felt that he needed to work through. This evening he's had rather a lot to drink & is blaming me for bringing all the 'stuff' from his past to the fore & saying that he wished that he'd never told me & it had remained buried. I tried to tell him that it's best that he deals with it - buried issues are never a good thing. But then he accused me of being all kinds of hurtful things including 'getting off' on his abuse. AS IF?! But he got increasingly angry & rather aggressive. I said that he'd had too much to drink & now not a good time to discuss this. I've now retreated to the bedroom & left him in the living room continuing to drink. I understand why he's drinking as it's so painful for him bringing all this stuff up after 60 years. I also understand how he feels that he needs to blame someone for bringing back the pain of the abuse. I know in my heart that he will get over it & it's the booze talking. But right now I feel like I need a cuddle.

I'm turning to my MN friends as I feel so alone &v can't turn to my 'proper' friends without 'betraying' my DH secret.

PS I had flowers delivered to him today saying how proud I was of him for dealing with his issues. I love him so much & this evening am in pieces.

This is really hard. It is very common for counselling to make things worse before it gets better - as your DH says, it brings it all to the fore. So as time goes on it should help him and the stress of reliving the trauma will gradually ease. I would also guess you are his safe space where he feels he can let off steam.

BUT what isn't on is blaming you and directing his anger at you. That requires a conversation at a quiet point over the weekend, and probably needs revisiting before his next counselling session. Remind him this is no one's fault but his abuser's. Have a hug for being so supportive, I hope he appreciates it in due course.

He knows it's not your fault. You didn't force him to go to therapy. At first it will be very upsetting I'd imagine. You've done nothing wrong. Once he's calmed down just reassure him you want him to be happy, and if he feels it's too traumatising or he's not ready then that's ok.
He could open up a bit about what it was that happened in the session to upset him so much. It could be that therapist isn't the best fit. It can take time to find the right one.
I hope he apologises for his outburst once he's sobered up. But for now I'd say just give him a bit of space.

Thank you. I know that he knows that I'm there for him & he's working through the anger towards the abuser & those who allowed it to be continued to others. But its difficult for him having pushed it down for 60 years. I've told him that. But we always deal with issues together & now he's pushing me away. I know that tomorrow will be different. He will wake up & be apologetic & allow me to be our usual loving couple - we live each other so very much. But I feel so alone tonight and have no-one else to talk to as can't talk to my friends as it's not my story to tell. Has to be anonymous.

He's told me all - in heart breaking graphic detail. We've cried about it & I so feel for him. He was 9 years old For God's Sake?! It's horrific! Then the abuser was moved on to another place abuse more young boys. What a b@stard! Statement regarding serious safeguarding allegations - Diocese of Canterbury (canterburydiocese.org)

@Ibloodylovetea please don't feel alone. He needs to process what he had to face in that session so it's best to give him a bit of space. As you say he's not really angry with you at all.
You could offer him a coffee and ask if he wants to chat if/when he seems a bit calmer. But I wouldn't push it if an argument might happen again.

There's no shame in confiding in friends about your husband struggling, in the context of your own life. It does affect you. You don't need to mention SA/DA specifically. I'm sure they'd be really supportive. Thousands of people have partners who've suffered in the past and it can seem like you're the only one but I promise you're not. X

So hard for you! Him too, of course, but very difficult for you so here is a hug. He has 'dealt' by avoiding, and now he has had to stop that, he is probably wanting to get back to avoidance and focusing his anger on you. FWIW, he probably needs to lay off the booze while he is in counselling - it is not likely to be a good combination.

I was raped as a 5 year old and have NO desire to deal with it, ever. Absolutely no benefit to me to go back there. Dealing with things isn't the panacea you imagine it to be.

MY DH told me about the abuse very early on in our relationship. He felt that he was the only one who'd suffered. It's turned out that his abuser was a serial abuser. My DH felt so guilty that he hadn't spoken out at the time -as if he could. He was a child FFSt man had the power to remove him from the choir, school everything!

DH has just texted me asking if we can have a hot chocolate & cuddle up in bed. So am saying good night. Thank you all x