I’m so confused

[GracieJackson]

hey everyone,

I recently posted about an older guy at work I was very much interested in and had some really helpful comments.

Quick backstory, someone I work with has just come out of a relationship (they are definitely out of the previous relationship!), and I have been talking to them. They are 16 years older than me but I’ve always gone for somebody a bit older. We’ve worked together for a year and then on a night out we ended up sleeping together- not my finest hour! But I really enjoyed it and I’m happy it happened.

Ever since we have been messaging and at first it was frustrating as I wasn’t hearing much from him.

But now he messages me quite a lot and look for reasons to meet me. We get on really well and yesterday he asked me to call him while he drove home. We are on the phone for about 40 minutes and it was lovely. He text me an 😍 after and then 20 minutes later said I miss talking to you. He said I could call him again if I wanted to, but I was really busy so I just text him saying same and I’m sad I won’t see him for awhile. I didn’t hear anything back which is fine.

In the conversation we spoke about our relationship and I said that I feel he constantly flirts with me but nothing happens. Then he replied that there is never an opportunity for something to happen. I was a bit confused by this. I said I’d create opportunity and that I now understood where he was at with us and it was helpful for me going forward.
He said no that’s not what I mean and then said that he was scared because he said he gets very emotionally attached. I don’t really know what to make of this. Prior to this he’s been texting me saying how much he likes me and how much is attracted to me etc I haven’t had to worry about how he feels and it’s been amazing. It’s been refreshing to be honest. At work it’s been, he’s been booking in meetings which we do need to have but he’s definitely added some extra ones in there! And looking for reasons to see me. (Working with him is fine, I’m not the kind of person to react and although I sound a bit crazy right now, I’m very good at holding my self together and he might be leaving anyway 😢)

I completely understand he’s come out of a serious relationship, but I don’t really know what to do. I really like him I haven’t heard anything from him today, and my mind is starting to play tricks on me and second-guess everything.

He’s now off work for a week and he’s actually interviewing for another job. (He’s not leaving because of me it’s because of other things) but now my mind is going wild thinking he’s now leaving, I won’t see him, I need more time with him etc I’m sorry if this sounds pathetic I haven’t dated since my divorce and he’s obviously fresh out of his relationship so it’s all quite scary and I’m not used to feeling these emotions again. I was with my ex partner for 15 years.

I don’t know how to control these feelings, i’m trying so hard to play it cool. The thing I’m enjoy most about this relationship is there hasn’t been any games until today for some reason I’m trying to stay calm and not message him. It’s me that’s the issue I think. I know it sounds weird but I keep getting really teary over it.
I keep thinking of him saying that he’s scared to get emotionally attached and now he will be second-guessing everything I’m pulling away.

Am I crazy?

You really don’t need this level of hot and cold hard to get stuff from Mr 16 Years Older. Why does he ask you to call him? Surely he could phone you if he wanted to talk to you? And he clearly doesn’t want ‘anything to happen’. There’s ample opportunity if you’re both single.

Are you certain he’s single?

If he wanted to, he would.

it’s as simple as that.

You're both single, he clearly has no qualms about you working together, and he’s clearly told you he’s worried about getting emotionally attached, so he’s happy to have something casual with you, but doesn’t want to fall in love.

I suspect he’s flattered by a younger woman fancying him, and is now thinking “great, I wonder who else I can pull!”

Step away. Let him have his mid life crisis and get the post-divorce sweet shop mentality out of his system.

OP, gently, he is playing games. Not your fault for not realising it. I have seen this so many times myself and with friends, colleagues, etc. Men will feign an interest but not move forward purely because they don't want to. He is stringing you along with these phone calls and telling you he likes you, but he hasn't done anything about it.

The 'I get too emotionally attached' is a well-used lie. He is enjoying the flirting but he is not really interested. If he was, he would be taking you out on dates and trying to see you.

You have rightly clocked that once he leaves that will be the end of it, out of sight out of mind. I am sorry it is not what you want to hear, but none of his behaviour is surprising and you are just in for a lot of hurt if it continues.

You are not crazy OP but you sound vulnerable and this singles stuff can be ruthless in 2024.
He isn’t being straight with you.
The fact that he has you in this state is because he’s not being straight with you. He might be offering you crumbs here and there but nothing solid. I don’t mean a relationship, but even a dinner date would be nice.
If he’s just got out of a relationship I would leave him to it.
I know it is easier said than done OP.

This is not your issue, please don’t think that. He is the one playing games, and if you were with someone for 15 years and he’s another 16 years older, this man should probably be in his 50s at least, which doesn’t bode well for his maturity, if he’s acting this way.

Not to mention, he sounds unprofessional and his behaviour in the workplace is inappropriate. I’d get sacked if I started using time and resources in my company for meetings nobody really needs, just so I could spend more time with someone I’m stringing along.

Stop talking to him and move on, because nothing good is going to come out of this.

As the saying goes; If he likes you, you'll know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused. Check your self worth

It doesn't sound like he's very interested, OP.
If he was, he'd have asked you on a date.

He's enjoying your attention but he isn't connecting, not really.

Thank you for the responses.

I’m really gutted - I tested the water an hour a go and said I’ve been thinking about you, i hope you’re having a good day and he replied pretty quickly with hey 😊 you look amazing in your display picture 😍

I read it and burst into tears. It’s not enough.

I sent 💕 back which I regret and he read it.

im so gutted and confused. We had such a good
convo on the phone yesterday and I had
butterflies and now here I am heartbroken and crying. Madness.

It’s not madness and most of us have been there, crying over someone who is not worth it.
You had a relationship which worked for a long time, which will have had good parts to it.
You are probably not over it all and this man probably gave you a lift and seemed like a good option.
I think maybe you need to shelve the idea of dating for a while.
Sending hugs.

so sorry OP it is unfortunately a common scenario and perhaps he is not single - which would be why he asked you to call when he’s driving and just entertains you at work. Definitely cool off now - if he suddenly asks you on a date then maybe it’s different!! For now I would not initiate contact and not just be a ‘time filler’ for him when he’s on long drives

It does sound like he isn't single, OP.

He's after an ego boost and you're providing all he needs. He wont give anything to you as you are finding out. Pull back and watch it disappear...eventually.
I think it's time you found someone else.

You’re single, he’s (supposedly) single, you’ve already slept together.

If he really wanted to spend more time with you, a proper actual date would be arranged by now.

It sounds to me like he’s wasting time at work until he leaves, you’re a pleasant distraction but this isn’t going anywhere.

Don’t get sucked into this at work. Cancel the ‘extra meetings’ he’s put in the diary that are unnecessary, and please don’t kid yourself that your colleagues haven’t and won’t notice. Remember he’s looking for another job and moving on, while you will continue to work there. Keep your professional integrity.

Has he got children? Just funny he’s off now on a weeks holiday when it’s half term (at least in my area it is) You sure he’s not still with his wife and playing happy families for the week ahead?

Stop settling for these old men.
Go out and enjoy someone your own age or a few years younger.
This one sounds like a proper game player anyway.