I dont know

[Cluelessmom247]

Hi, new here. Just wanted to see what peoples thoughts are on my situation.

So me and my partner have been together 3 years and we have a great relationship mostly. I knew from the begining that he was watching porn which i didnt mind so much as we only used to see each other on weekends. He stopped when we started living together.

Skip forward two years and weve had a baby. Hes admitted that he has been viewing 'pornstars' on ig which i kind of understood being postpartum and our sex life taking a little break. I explained that it really hurt my feelings but understood but said it had no place in our relationship and would prefer if he didnt look.

We had a great couple weeks of closeness and just recently we havent so much. I understood he is tired and stressed so didnt want to push it. But i found out he been looking at the same things on ig (only twice). Told me theres nothing wrong with myself and not to compare with them etc.

So, dont take it as im saying hes not allowed to freely express his feelings how he wants, it just hurt so bad that he ultimately chose that over coming to me after saying he would come to me if he was tempted. He has also kind of said that i dont make any effort with myself which hurt still healing from a c-section etc.

I dont really know what to do. Am i overreacting? Im confused. Any words of advise? I just dont want to feel like this again but i think deep down i know i will.

He has also kind of said that i dont make any effort with myself which hurt still healing from a c-section etc.

That's an awful thing to say, but he was probably being defensive.

Are you checking his phone? Any reason why you don't trust him?

Re porn, it depends what your dealbreakers are. If you can't live with porn in the relationship then make plans to leave as it's unlikely he'll stop.

He is getting his sexual gratification from other women OP.
If you have told him how his use of porn makes you feel but he still continues to use it then you have to make a decision: whether you are willing to live with a man who views women as sex dolls or whether it is a deal breaker for you.

His use of porn is obviously long term if he was using it when you first met him. Personally I would never have got into a relationship with a man who uses porn in the first place. Usually the type of porn a long term user becomes more and more extreme in order to satisfy them. Porn use desensitises them and makes it impossible for them to have normal healthy relationships with their partners

You really should consider if this relationship is worth the upset and damage to your self esteem.

There is no written rulebook on watching porn in relationships. Some people don't mind at all, others find it to be a form of cheating. And of course there are different ways to watch porn. Obviously it will depend on whether it's a daily thing, an addiction which impacts the relationship, whether he's paying for it, whether it's watching video's or if there's any interaction with these other women, etc.
Every relationship is different. You're allowed to have your own opinion and your own expectations.
Your partner doesn't have to see things the same way, but that may mean that you're just not compatible, in which case you have to decide how strongly you feel about it. Is it a dealbreaker, or can you live with it?

Either way, what is unacceptable is your partner saying he'll stop watching, but then doing it behind your back. Either he stands firm and says that he sees no problem with watching porn, and he'll never stop doing it, or he does agree that it's harmful to your relationship and he stops. This hypocricy and secrecy is damaging to a relationship.
Because if he tells you to accept his porn usage, at least then you know what you're dealing with, and you can decide whether you can live with it or not.

Thanks all.

No i dont check his phone, i guess its just a sense you get when youre around someone. I trust him.

I did not know at the begininig that he was using porn but he doesnt watch it now. He thought seeking images would be less hurtful for me, but just feels the same. He went almost 3 weeks i guess without viewing and then obviosuly did. Ive already said theres no place for it in our relationship. But hes not a talker and doesnt like confrontation so it makes it really hard to speak it through.

Perhaps im over reacting because hes perfect in every other way. Maybe a hard habit to break?! Maybe im just making excuses for him. Feeling hopeless! Thank you all for the input though

You’ve told him how you feel and he doesn’t care because he did it anyway. He knew it would hurt you and he did it anyway. And to then shift the blame onto you saying you don’t make any effort with yourself, while you’re recovering from major abdominal surgery in order to give him a child, is vile and callous. You deserve better. You’ve only just given birth. He should be fawning over you and his new baby, not watching porn when he knows how you feel about it and kicking you when you’re down. Honestly, op, you deserve better than this. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. Now you’ve had a baby I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts showing his true colours because he thinks you’re now trapped. Don’t take any crap from him. Either he treats you right or he can do one. You have yourself and a baby to look after now. Make that your priority because your not this guys priority.