How to motivate myself to date when all I see are toxic relationships

[Lm4065]

I am trying to date for a LTR, but most, if not all of my friends are in what appear to be bad relationships. Examples include:

1. being the only one working, only one who does anything around the house and the only one who does anything with or for their child. They want another baby apparently. this is the most common set up.
2. being with a guy who is high and drunk all day everyday.
3. very controlling, serial cheat, she is not allowed to go out with friends. She has now got to the point where she does not leave his side ever, literally she is an anxious wreck.

Dating is very difficult, the quality of guys is not good generally. But I’m getting to the point where I am wondering why I am putting through all these bad dates, just to end up (most likely) in one of the above situations. I’m not arrogant enough to assume I will do any better. None of these women are entertaining leaving their relationships, I don’t think they see the problems as bad enough.

I want a good relationship and partnership so much but im starting to think it doesn't exist or that it’s only for the very lucky 5%.

has anyone ever felt like this? How do you stay hopeful? Thanks 🙏

Good relationships are hard work. A lot of hard work.
And you both have to be very willing to put in the work, confront yourself constantly with things you could have handled better. And to constantly ask yourself whether your partner is being the best they can be for you.

Most relationships aren't toxic per se, but do consist of two people who aren't doing the work they should be doing. They aren't having the hard conversations, they aren't communicating the way they should be, they aren't facing their problems but rather sweeping them under the rug.

Being single is easier than being a good partner. And being a lousy partner certainly is easier than being a good one.
Speaking as someone who's been in very poor relationships but is now in a very healthy and loving one, I can say the good ones are worth it. But they come at a price. I have to do a lot of soulsearching, a lot of reflecting, a lot of apologising, to keep being a decent partner and to hold onto my healthy marriage.

I know what you mean op, it's a lot of effort for very little guaranteed return. I dated a lot about 5 years ago and ended up in a fairly serious relationship but he had some quite serious issues which affected our relationship so I ended it. I want to find someone but the amount of time, expense and effort you have to put in does not really seem worth it. But I don't want to end up alone and am unlikely to meet someone through everyday life. Not sure what the answer is. I guess having a lot of good stuff going on for yourself and then dipping toe in and casually dating and hoping someone good comes out of it eventually but not having too high expectations?

So the first on your list is happy to live with a useless cocklodger, if they don't work they should be looking after their DC. Like you I'm astounded as to why so many women put up with shitty men.
In all of my 3 serious relationships I met them through a shared hobby.
I wish you luck, they are not all that bad.

I'm married but I do think good relationships are for the lucky 5% of women (if that), sorry. I'm not in a good relationship (no abuse but we don't love each other and don't connect emotionally or physically) but I realise I realistically won't do better.

Every time I think i know a couple that is doing well, I find out something that changes my mind.

For pp that says you have to do the work, yes, but you can't make the other person do the work. So how does that help?

You can see the problems in your friend's relationships and you know you can do better, otherwise you're better off single.

I know what you mean though, all the long term relationships I know aren't great. No relationship is perfect but you have to set the bar and maintain it.

Good relationships are hard work. A lot of hard work.

That's not what I've found. If a relationship has been hard work, it's because I've been with a wrong man. My marriage has never been hard work, it is something that makes lives more pleasant, fun, easier and more enjoyable.

What is hard is to find that person who can offer you that pleasant, easy relationship that just works. Hard work is to weed out all the abovedescribed fuckwits. It's hard to leave the non-working relationships, because you have invested so much and surely if you just work harder, the fuckwits transform into lovely spouses.