Literally desperate

[grannell]

I'll try and be brief.
My partner's youngest (now 13) got a tiny piece of chicken stuck in his throat in the new year..no intervention needed. One cough and it cleared.
Since then, he has gradually stopped eating in our house, especially meat and is micro eating, cutting everything into the tiniest pieces (even 1 piece of pasta is cut in 3) . Initially it was due to apparent flashbacks, then anxiety. We have taken him to see a mental health worker who said it wasn't a mental health issue so signed him off.
We were making progress however he has regressed in the past week. We have tried everything... Cooking different food, getting him to chose what we and he eats, allowing him to eat in his room so he didn't feel intimidated, eating at different time to everyone else, getting him involved in the cooking etc
I have reached the end. 11 months of thinking, talking and worrying about nothing else has taken it's role. My and my partner's mental health and our relationship is at breaking point.
When he refused to earlier this week my partner rang his ex wife. It transpires that he eats everything in her house and the grandparents, even meat. It seems he is playing everyone off against each other and will claim to her that he doesn't like some foods but will tell us that it's his favourites food. It has been a real punch in our stomachs.
The most recent development (agreed between my partner and his ex) is that his mother is now sending food over here with instructions on how to cook it 'her way'. Most of it is processed, whilst we tend to cook everything fresh. I feel so insulted, offended and I feel like a failure, as does my partner.
If anyone has been through anything similar, or have any ideas as to what we could do, I would be extremely grateful.
Please be kind. We have lots of other stuff going on (both of our dad's have kidney cancer ironically) and my best friend is in palliative care, so I would appreciate constructive messages only please.
Thanks for reading.

This may be terrible advice,but I would be tempted to move back to ' dinner will be on the table at 7/eat it or don't eat it your choice'

I think @Motheranddaughter has it. De-emphasise food altogether. Give him oordinary family food, no fuss, no comment, and let him eat or not eat as best he can.

And on the other hand you need to make other space for him. With all this other stuff going on he mught be picking up on your stress and DP's stress and reacting to it with his own stress. It's not a judgment on your food or your parenting. Kids' feelings can be complex and contradictory and chances are that his feelings are being expressed as a food problem because being a kid he can't express them any other way.

Maybe just keeping a calm relaxed fuss-free atmosphere around him will help him. Are you spending any enjoyable/relaxed family time together, does your DP get to spend relaxed "Dad time" with him? If general de-stressing doesn't work then could you get some family therapy? The mental health worker says it's not a mental health issue as such, so it's more likely to be a family dyamics issue and a famaily therapist might help you get off this food / anxiety treadmill.

I appreciate your reply.
We honestly have a wonderful, relaxed family life (in front of the kids). He has so much father time. They go biking every Tuesday and on weekends which is their thing and we do lots of family things together too. We have 5 kids between us so it is a busy, happy household.
He definitely will not have picked up on any of our stress. We work so hard to not share our worries with the kids and tbh, he is not that type of child anyway and he, out of all our kids, is the one who cares the least about anyone (probably due to his age and he is the youngest).
We have tried the 'this is tonight meal so like it or lump it'. He has chosen to not eat when we have done that. Some nights, he goes back to his mum's after dinner as part of the natural arrangement, so he knows he can fill up on snacks when he returns!

PS I think that sending food from his mother's is a waste of effort / mistake but since his parents want to give it a try you'd best go along with it up to a point. It might be best if his father cooks this food for him. Try not let him pick up that you judge the processed food his mother feeds him. If it falls on you to cook it and if the lad complains that it's not exactly the same then tell him it's the best you can do and he can eat it or not.

For children with sensory issues and anxiety around food, processed foods are often the 'safe' foods. Don't worry too much about that at the moment, concentrate on giving him foods that he will eat, which will likely be very plain.

Put sliced apple, cucumber and carrot sticks(or similar)on the table at every meal, but don't mention them.

My fussy DS with sensory issues will eat baked potatoes, carrot, apple, sweetcorn and strawberries, that is about it in terms of whole foods.

For home-made stuff, he will eat pancakes, waffles, plain scones. He has to have a shop bought pizza when we make homemade pizzas!

Milk, hot chocolate and milkshake are useful for getting extra calories in.

Start offering just his 'safe foods' and build from there.

I forgot, he will also eat green soup, used to be orange soup, but that is now rejected and green is accepted 😂

Sorry you are going through this. How is his health? Is he still a healthy weight, does he have plenty of energy etc.?

Fit and healthy and still growing rapidly so he is not devoid of nutrients. We eat a very balanced diet here and he obviously still eats everything at his mum's. I am not judging his mum's processed food and it is supplemented with lots of fresh vegetables, so he is definitely getting all the nutrition he needs.
It's more the stress and tension it's causing around our table sometimes and now between my partner and I. Maybe I need to take a step back from it all. If he is eating albeit the food his mum provides, then is it the end of the world?

I also think it's partially to do with his upbringing. Both his parents idolise their children (as we all do) but they can do no wrong. I, on the other hand have had v strict boundaries with mine and have dished out a lot of tough love.
My partner's child has always been v critical of food. He will spit things out that's not to his liking, say it's disgusting or terrible. He will even say this about his grandmother's food who used to teach food tech, takes great pride in her cooking and who is known within the family as a bit of a Nigella. He has never been picked up on this behaviour or told how rude and inappropriate it is. I have had to just bite my tongue!

Just give him the processed mushy food without any other thought, fuss or consideration.

His parents can pursue a MH diagnosis if they choose to. As long as he eats something? Better than forcing him to eat your healthy dinners and then failing and making the situation worse.

You are taking his rejection of your dinners as personal. It's not.

Indeed. Just do it.

We have 5 kids between us so it is a busy, happy household.

Great that he gets this attention from his Dad amidst all the busy family life! But it sounds as if the calm cheery front you've been maintaining for the kids is under a lot of pressure at the moment and this food thing has become a focus. Even a breaking point.

He will spit things out that's not to his liking, say it's disgusting or terrible.

He may have some food sensitivities. I wouldn't accept the rude remarks about food though. Eat or don't eat. The rule in my house is that no-one has to eat anything and "no thank you" will always be respected but you don't get to insult the cook.

I really would try to focus away from it. Stop agonising over it with your DP. Let the lad fill up on snacks at the other house later if his mother lets him. If you're worried he's undereating then maybe have a basic filler - bread and butter, plain cereal and milk - available at your house if he can't manage dinner. But in all, not your circus, not your monkeys.

DSD is a fussy eater, you can give him the same pizza he had a grandma's but if it doesn't look the same he won't like it. I don't understand it but the issue is real to him, he isn't an attention seeking child for example, so we accept that he feels how he feels and try not to judge it. We essentially do 'family style' eating and let DC choose what to put on their plates. E.g we might do 2 different pastas, tomato sauce, meatballs, bread, veg sticks and people serve themselves. We don't try to force them to try anything, if dsd says he doesn't want anything we give no attention just say OK, but this is all there is and you need to stay at the table until everyone else has finished, and we give huge praise if he tries something - usually he will eventually take a piece of bread or something and we have noticed that with time and patience the list of 'acceptable' food is growing.

Why would you expect him to eat food that's not to his liking! Grandma having taught food tech is irrelevant, if he doesn't like the taste or texture then how good a cook she may be makes no difference. It sounds like food is a sensory issue for him if he's always been critical of food. It isn't rude or inappropriate to not eat foods you dont enjoy. Perhaps you need to consider why you feel that people should eat things they dont like just to be 'polite'? That's a disordered relationship with food.

Good advise that you cook, put it on the table sit down and eat (or not). Your house is not a restaurant where everyone is catered for separately. If he wasn't eating well anywhere I would worry but that's not the case. It's selective not eating, he could be worried about choking again, he might not like your food or trust it or doesn't like the way it's presented. Will he eat takeaways, or if you go out for a meal? Can he cook his own food? I would ignore it as far as possible.

Not eating it is one thing, spitting it out and being rude about it is a different thing. He can say sorry GM I don't like this, saying it's terrible or disgusting to his GM is just plain rude and he should know better.

I don't expect him to eat food that he doesn't like and have never stated that, so please don't twist my words.
What I do expect however is for him to be polite about the food not being to his liking, to not spit it out on front of everyone and say that it's disgusting. It comes down to manners....he is 13 not 3.
Unfortunately as he isn't my child, I can't intervene.

I would just go ahead with the meal you have planned without fuss or comment. When serving up ask if he wants any (to avoid the spitting out etc) and if he says no then just tell him to go ahead and make himself a sandwich (or whatever he will eat.)
lts not worth making a fuss as it sounds like he has a long standing poor relationship with food. How many times a week does he have meals at your house?

Did he eat perfectly fine at your house before the chicken incident, and if so, how long for? I was just reading about avoidant food issues and apparently they can be caused by a choking incident. I don't know anything about this and maybe the fact he eats his mum's food means it's not that, but if it is then the way you fix it would be different to how you deal with a child who is just a fussy eater.