Just not quite good enough ?

[Midlifemaddness]

This is my first time posting and I’d just like abit of advise or another persons perspective really .
been with partner 9years . 2 dc from previous relationship(both teens) and one child together (3)

I wfh part time when I can around our 3yrold. It’s only a few hours a week just to try and make a little money towards bills . We agreed before having DS that he would do tie working and I would stay home and take care of well everyone. He runs own business from home and works away time to time.

i have found not working out of the home quite demoralising. I am used to being in control of every aspect of my life financial etc this is from being a single mother for some years.

my partner has always been very supportive and treats all my children as if they were his own .

life with a toddler is stressful and I am very sleep deprived but I try my best to keep on time of work, household chores . I cook and clean and take care of DS during the day and then sort everything for the kids once they’re home from school .

DP has been away for a week with work and abit of social and I took this time to rearrange some furniture and start decorating as this is something I enjoy doing and I like to keep busy when I’m tired as it keeps me focused and awake . I did this bit by bit as worked around DS, household chores and work.

DP has been home a few days and yesterday said we needed to talk. He said that I’m not keeping up with housework, I have made the house more messy by putting furniture in different places. How I should be able to be better at time keeping and being more organised . He can’t live this way he works hard (which he does and he also wfh )etc etc.

i was deeply hurt by his words as he also mentioned my parenting style saying I was too soft and proceeded to tell me how to parent “better”

I told him I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me that I try every day to keep the house clean and tidy but we all live in the house so it gets messy . I am abit scatty in that I will start to do something then go onto something else I try and fit little jobs in to the time I have and don’t always finish them right then and there and it could take me weeks (this is in regards to decorating) he said I should focus on one thing and complete that then move on.
I try and do this and I try and manage my time more efficiently. This is doable for a few days then I revert back to how I usually am . I told him that after 9 years this is just how I am and if I wasn’t good enough then maybe he should find someone who can do everything to his standards? He told me he loved me and didn’t want anyone else and that I do so much. This contradicted what he had just said so I told him he was confusing me . I have autism as do my children so I feel I’m always chasing my tail trying so hard to keep up with expectations. I thought I was doing an ok job but apparently he doesn’t think so .

sorry for the long post but I just want to hear off others. I have spoken to a friend irl but they will side with me as they are my friend . Do you think I should just try harder ? And he has a point? I just can’t shake this feeling of feeling abit defeated like what’s the point in even trying if it’s not good enough when I do?

What stands out from your post is that Al the domestic work seems to be in your shoulders, and he seems to be blaming you for not keeping on top of it all. That's a hugely unreasonable expectation.

How would he react if you framed it as a joint problem? If he's not happy with how things are then what is HE doing to help? What extra help do you as a team need to bring in? What things can you jointly agree can drop down the priority list so there isn't so much burden?

Does he do anything at all around the house? Just because he works doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have to do any chores.
He works from home, but surely he isn’t sat at his work space for 8 hours continuously. He could put some washing in the machine/do a hoover round etc.

How does he spend his evenings? Does he cook dinner/bath the toddler?

This is a joint issue. He should be asking what he can do to help, not criticising what you are doing.

You sound pretty amazing to me. I think you're doing a great job. I love your response to him. I'd consider ending it as you'll never forget how he has made you feel. That's not love in my book.

I think the nub of it his concerns are the starting of various tasks and not finishing them before starting the next . He probably comes home to many things half finished and thinks it's all a mess . If the painting was done and the furniture positioned he'd just think you'd redecorated not oh god another mess .

I think it sounds like you're juggling too many things and the way he was speaking to you sounded like a work appraisal not a partner discussion.

Surely the 3 year old is in preschool?
It really shouldn’t be that hard to keep a relatively clean house with a 3 year old and older kids in school.
I guess it really depends on how bad it is, you admit you’re “scatty” but what does this actually translate into the house?
I do think if you aren’t working then the vast majority of the house stuff falls to you, just as the financial side falls to him. Thats just part of the deal.
He should be doing some on the weekend but the majority of people say they prefer staying at home as it means the weekend are more family time as all the chores are largely done in the week.

Thank you all for your replies .
DS will be starting preschool after half term so I think this will help as I will have a few hours to get on top of things child free.

my partner thinks he does help out and to be fair to him he will empty the dish washer or hang the washing out but I look at it that these domestic things are my job. I think that’s why it hurt so much when he said it wasn’t good enough because when I was working away from the home I was good at my job .

part of it is he can do no wrong . He’s right and I’m wrong type of mentality. When he’s on board with something he is super supportive but when he doesn’t see the point in something he will flat out say No and not help.

he says if I tell him what to do he will do it but I need to schedule my day and tell him exactly what I want him to do . I think this must be where I’m going wrong and if I just tried harder then things would be better? But should I have to tell him what to do ? He’s a grown man who used to live on his own shouldn’t he know the basics ?

when he was telling me how I wasn’t keeping on top of the cleaning I did point out that he could also clean and that I had never seen him clean the bathroom the whole time Ive known him? (He used to have a cleaner prior to us living together) he did say we could get a cleaner but I have to keep things tidy before he’s willing to get one . I do think he talks to me like I’m his employee sometimes as it definitely feels like it.

he doesn’t cook as he “can’t” cook . He doesn’t know how to turn on the air fryer . I enjoy my food and the kids have their food a certain way (because of autism food sensitivity) so I make sure everyone has something they will eat for dinner . I’ve asked before to maybe have a takeaway dinner each week to give me a night off but this doesn’t really happen . Maybe I need to just make it happen ? Be abit more pro active ? I do the food shop each week so I know what we have and plan our meals . Sometimes dinner is abit late out ,as he has pointed out ,so I try and get this out abit earlier but these darker evenings means I have to walk the dog before dinner now as he (the dog) won’t walk in the dark .

DP does help with school drop offs pick ups when he can . I have started asking him to shower DS in the evenings as it doesn’t occur to him to do this and he will do this without hesitation but I have to ask each day.

in regards to him working he sits with his laptop on the sofa and in bed and if I say anything to him he will point out he’s working so maybe he is working solid 8 hours ? He likes to go to the pub to work as well as it’s less distracting.

i think you’re right that I should be getting the teens to do more and I will start this tonight maybe use an incentive of pocket money. Their autism makes this difficult though as I have to constantly remind them to do even the most basic things (like have a shower , bush their teeth) so I have to be more organised I guess to keep on top of them .

thank you for your words I appreciate the different perspectives.

Go back to work properly, you're not secure relying on a man you're not married to to support you financially.

Especially if he's now taking the role of disappointed employer towards you.

And he needs a proper workstation to work from if wfh, as working on a laptop on the sofa is bad for his body.

Your DH sounds to me as though he is talking to you as if he employs you and is your boss. This would be the real issue for me.

I don't think that the way the finances / domestic chores have been allocated suits you as a family, Op.

Just spotted that you aren't married. As @category12 says this leaves you extremely vulnerable.

He likes to go to the pub to work as it’s less distracting. What a convenient cop-out
I think , if I was you , I would be looking to go back to work . You would feel more fulfilled and he could share the house tasks.

I too picked up on the ‘likes to go to the pub to work as it’s less distracting’. Its a bit of a red flag op. I also loved your response.

getting teens to help is also a good idea and will be good for them in the long run but, from experience this will be hard work (… it just is) and, probably, it won’t be done to your dh standards.

you sound amazing but you’re potentially placing yourself in a vulnerable position long term by being financially dependent on him and not married.

Perhaps it might work better for you both if you start work again and he shares the household duties equally with you. Including decorating! It’s unfair of him to criticise your standards; my experience is that it’s impossible to keep up with housework, plus decorating or diy.

Perhaps you could tell him you need to talk and ask for him to have. Think beforehand so that you can discuss how he can help more running the home without adding to your mental load. Looking after a toddler is your full time job. Looking after the house and home should be shared equally.

Also, getting a cleaner ‘but you have to be tidier first’ is unreasonable. The way it works for many people is that the cleaner saves the time which can then be used for tidying. This means there’s time to dash around tidying up (usually when the cleaner is due) and hey presto! Clean and tidy house!

It sounds like you struggle with executive function as part of your autism. You may have already done this, but have you looked for tips to help with this specifically for someone who is ND if you're struggling with time management and organisation? Often what's recommended if you are ND is not the same as what works for NT people. That may help you feel more in control and less overwhelmed.

I am ND and even knowing what will help I find it extremely difficult to do what I need to consistently stay on top of the house. So maybe you both need to cut yourself some slack here and accept this is something that you will always find hard and need some support with. And the support needs to be less telling you what to do and more asking what would help. When I was struggling exDH used to help me sit down and come up with a plan of what I wanted to do that week and time it out so it fit into the time I had available. As I was always really underestimating how long things would take and trying to do too much. Would something like that be helpful?

And parenting ND kids also takes a lot of time and mental energy. Can you look at strategies to help the teenagers develop their executive function and start doing things for themselves? If they have the capacity, working on their routines to take some of that off your plate may work. And they will need to learn those skills if they are able to. Having 2 ND kids myself I know that is easier said than done but it is worth looking at.

And you really are in a financially vulnerable place if you aren't working or married. When the 3 year old starts in nursery can you look at getting back to work to give you some more financial independence and security? It would also really help with your self esteem from the sound of it.

That may also help you feel less that it's solely your responsibility to look after the house and more comfortable in challenging your partner to help more, as you seem conflicted in whether or not you should be doing everything at the moment.