Am I being unreasonable??

[minnierose92]

Bit of a long winded one... I'll try to reduce it slightly.

Me and DH are having our first baby, due quiet soon. We're both over the moon, was a planned very much wanted baby. We've been together 11 years, married 3, own our house and are happy.

However, DH had a pretty rough upbringing. A lot of neglect, abuse and things kids should never be privy to in my opinion. Despite that, he's turned out great. However, his siblings are a different matter. His parents live abroad (separated) and we see them very rarely. But siblings live nearby. We see them infrequently too bar one who DH is quiet involved with due to mental health issues.

Whenever we've got together with the family, I leave feeling mortified. They don't know how to behave, they'll openly talk in front of children about drug use, drug dealers, police matters, sex, infidelity, swear, ignore their kids and let them run a muck, will vape inside a restaurant, swear when talking to the kids (example 'just eat your fucking food'). One of them has severe mental health issues, is very very erratic and chaotic, suffers psychosis and imagines things are happening that aren't, but to them they're facts. You can spend an hour listening to the conspiracy that this that and the other is happening etc. We both agreed that of course when that sibling is suffering an episode of psychosis our kid wouldn't be around them but even when they're settled on meds they're still very chaotic and honestly exhausting. I should also add, I'm not ignorant to mental health at all, but a lot of this is drug induced psychosis.

I voiced my concerns to my DH about it the other evening. And he got quite offended by it. Of course I didn't intend to upset him, but I'm aware being a parent means making choices to protect your children that may sometimes upset people and I am ok with that. My child comes first and I don't want them around that sort of behaviour which is deemed as acceptable. He said I needed to trust him that he wouldn't allow that to happen, however, on our wedding day, he assured me that he'd had talks with them all and they all agreed to behave on the day and within 3 hours of our wedding starting, there was a huge argument which resulted in my DH being missing for our wedding meal, dealing with tears and chaos and it really dampened our day. So, sadly it offers me very little reassurance.

I feel quite strongly about it. But I'm also sensitive to that fact that of course my husband wants our child to know his side of the family and don't want to hurt him.
I think what our kids see and witness as kids is really important. I was brought up very differently and I fully appreciate I was very blessed to have that. But we were never privy to this sort of chaos, if something was happening, we were protected from it. It was discussed away from us.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable? Or how to manage it without taking the stance of 'no, our kid will not be around that'.

I have also posted in aibu section but got zero traction and thought might be more seen in this section.

Can you move?
Judging from what you have said in your post the best option would be to move away and thus limit the contact. Otherwise, it does not look like your husband will be able to manage this and you will have constant issues once the baby is there. And obviously, you cannot have this kind of behaviour around your child/children.

Why have a baby with him if you already knew this would happen?

I can understand how difficult that would be and I’d feel the same. I would have to limit the amount of time spent over there and keep a very close eye when in their company. If the relationship with them is primarily for your husband he can go over without the two of you more.
You’re not wrong about this. Perhaps in time when he sees your own calm and healthy family life he will see that their environment is not good. In fact maybe you could spend time with other family/friends with kids so he knows the difference. And if he’s a reader he could read about early development vs trauma.

Well I totally agree with you OP that I wouldn't want my child to be in the company of adults who behaved in that way. And your DH may have turned out OK despite his upbringing but I wonder if he is to a certain extent desensitised to how the behaviour exhibited by his family is not the type of behaviour a child should be exposed to.
It may be upsetting for him but if his family can't be trusted to behave in a civilised way, - if they are going to have inappropriate conversation, vape and have dramatic ott episodes- around your child I would be having a serious conversation with him about keeping your child away from his side of the family.

Your DH needs to start prioritising your family and advocating for your child. The wedding situation sounds appalling and isn't normal. Maybe you do need to say your DC won't be around them like that - your DC is more important than your DH's hurty feelings.

I feel like this comment hit the nail on the head. "Maybe he's desensitised to it". I think there is an element of this, while he's not ignorant to the way they are and acknowledges the behaviour isn't acceptable, especially after spending a lot of time with my family. But, I think it's a case of, well it's always been like that so it's almost normal. And I think because his family has been so broken, he doesn't want to give that to our child and wants our kid to have aunts and uncles. BUT, I think he's reliving that through the eyes of his childhood where is uncles and aunts were good people who were well grounded. His siblings aren't that. I don't agree with what their children are around and I don't want it for my child.

Can't move unfortunately and in all honesty, wouldn't want too. I have all my immediate family very close by also which would mean leaving them behind which isn't an option. They'll be great as grandparents and aunts etc. such a difficult situation xxxxx

Odd comment to make?

Why would I not have a child within my happy marriage and home with my husband because of his external family?
Am I meant to deprive us of us that privilege because of that?
I'm asking for advice as to whether I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way, now we are having a child.
Not an option on if someone thinks I should be or not be having a child to begin with because he has a dysfunctional side to his family outside of our home.

I was thinking along these lines; that I give it a chance. Under the pretence that if something occurs or behaviour is exhibited that I deem unacceptable around our child, I remove us from the situation immediately and then that puts an end to that. I think my husband likes to believe that given the circumstance he'd be able to say to them I won't allow 'xyz' around our child and they'll conform to that. But considering they find it normal behaviour and acceptable around their own, and in public settings and as a form of life full stop. I highly doubt they'll be respectful or appreciative of our boundaries. But, to prove my point I could possibly do a one and done chance. At least then I can't be told I've kept our child from his family so he feels segregated but can say, I gave it the chance, it didn't work out.

You are absolutely reasonable to feel that way, and it’s right to protect your child. My situation is very similar - DP’s family are pretty awful and have zero respect for children etc. I didn’t want to cause a fight, or offence but I raised my concerns (as you have done).

We keep our visits short, and don’t visit often. The more time we spend living in our wonderful life, the less room there is for the dysfunction of his family/drama. He has naturally distanced himself from the worst parts of his family, as he sees first hand what it looks like to raise a child in a stable, safe home. Your husband may come to the same conclusions when your child is actually here. But you can always be a buffer

OK. Do you think you could get your husband to do some individual therapy? It would be good if he could unpack circumstances of his bringing up with somebody trained who could help him see things from a different perspective and thus help him manage situation differently.

Obviously, you cannot change his family. But he needs to be the one to hold the boundaries with them. The fact that he could not manage them on the wedding day says a lot. That is why I think he needs help to be able to stand up to them.
You need to be able to rely on him to do the right thing. If you keep setting the boundaries with his family that he cannot manage you are going to have a permanent conflict between the two of you and you don't want that.

Growing up my mom used to say, “you are not marrying a man, you are marrying a whole family”. Of course, I was not listening at all and thought this was so old fashioned. In the end I ended up marrying a man with a very dysfunctional family, and many a time remembered my mom’s words with regret. For the most part he managed to keep me out of the drama and stress, but of course, I could not distance myself completely. I would have to visit, although not often, and host them from time to time, we took the brunt of the financial burden surrounding his parents care, and of course, most importantly, my kids have these people’s DNA. As a young woman, I felt sorry for my husband and was not setting any boundaries worried that this would hurt his feelings, as a result, I suffered a lot and put both myself and my children in a difficult position many times, not dangerous, but uncomfortable for sure. In the end I divorced this man, not for his family, but because he was controlling, insensitive narcissist. My life is so much better now, but I will never forgive myself for not listening to my mom’s advice.

Anyway, I know that what I am telling you is not helping since you are already there, deeply inside this family, married to the man, about to have his child. What I am trying to tell you, no matter what you decide to do about this situation, you will never be entirely free of them. You have to remember this. Having said that, I would strongly advise that you start setting boundaries, right now, right here! The more time goes by, the harder it will be. Every time, something happens that does not feel right to you, tell your husband what your expectations are. Do not think about him and his feelings, and do not worry about the rest of the world either. This is your life, and the child you are about to have is your child. It is your responsibility to protect yourself and your child from everyone and that includes your husband’s family and your husband too, if need be. Good luck OP!

I think you have to trust that you and DH will manage it all ok. Try not to preempt too much as you just don’t know how it will play out - you’ll probably work it out as you go along, short visits etc. your DH is in a tricky position and even if your child is ‘exposed’ to some things occasionally what they’ll predominantly see is the stable, happy relationship and behaviour you and your DH model.

fwiw, I’ve probably been more damaged by my childhood in an upper- middle class family (neglect, alcoholism, bitterness) than my DP was by his ‘rough’ family who seem to love each other in an authentic way.

I guess what I mean partly is - if their values and intentions are good, despite their behaviour, that has some worth. I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world for kids to see and meet people that have very different lives to their own. If they were doing things like openly taking drugs in front of me/my child then that would be a whole other kettle
of fish, but from what you’ve said it’s mainly the usual chaos of this kind of life.