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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is wrong with me?

5 replies

JustAGirl1996 · 24/10/2024 15:13

Hey!

I am female, 28, single. I work full time, study and keep myself busy with friends, trips etc.

Please can someone help me understand why as of recently, I have been thinking about and essentially, missing my ex partner. To the point it is weighing on me rather heavy and I feel pretty sad about it.

For context, we were together 7 years, 3 YEARS AGO. Do I sound crazy? For further context, the relationship wasn’t great. It could get pretty bad to the point he could be verbally, mentally and at times physically abusive. But then there was the “good” and it was very good. I ended it with him pretty abruptly, because quite frankly I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt broken and didn’t love myself anymore so I needed to leave. When I say I left, I cut complete contact with him and disappeared. I heard through the great vine that he would ask for me, but I was done.

I think I heard a year into our break up that he was in a relationship with someone new and they were expecting a child together. (We had experienced a miscarriage) But even still, at the time of finding out, it didn’t bother me and if anything I felt sorry for whoever was now in a relationship with him.

I have not dated since we broke up, not seriously. Of course I have been on dates but none that really “did it” for me. So I decided to just continue working on fixing myself, remain alone and see where life takes me. I have never been someone that is afraid of being alone, I do things alone regularly until recently where I am finding the alone time, rather lonely!

Is my mind taking me back to the time where, as sad as it is, I last felt love? Or wasn’t “lonely”? Am I possibly experiencing a delayed mourning stage?

To clarify, I would never and have no intention of reaching out to said ex. I just don’t understand why I am feeling this way and what my best foot forward would be in this situation.

Thank you for your time

OP posts:
Salmonfortea · 24/10/2024 15:16

You are ready for a new relationship now, well done for getting out of the toxic one, you should feel very proud of yourself.

JustAGirl1996 · 24/10/2024 15:26

Salmonfortea · 24/10/2024 15:16

You are ready for a new relationship now, well done for getting out of the toxic one, you should feel very proud of yourself.

Thank you for your response! I have tried but just haven’t met anyone to move forward with! Maybe in time :)

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 24/10/2024 17:03

Maybe it's your loneliness sending you back to a time when you had a partner.

Do you think counselling would help get you through this tough time?

JustAGirl1996 · 24/10/2024 17:45

Itiswhysofew · 24/10/2024 17:03

Maybe it's your loneliness sending you back to a time when you had a partner.

Do you think counselling would help get you through this tough time?

Hey! I thought this too, so maybe it is that I’m lonely. I never considered that the issue was deep enough for counselling but now I’m beginning to believe it could help me

OP posts:
GarrynotsoGorilla · 24/10/2024 18:16

Don't underestimate what you have been through, an abusive relationship and a miscarriage in still fairly formative years is a lot to process. Especially if you haven't had a lot of support around you. Counselling may help you examine this and either fairly quickly help you understand that you have dealt with it, or find any lingering feelings that are left.
Loneliness is normal, and it is no surprise this significant relationship is your point of reference for how not feeling lonely feels. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just accept it for what it is and continue to recognise how toxic it was. But invest in the friendships and people around you and see what happens. Am sure you will find your happiness in time.

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