Wave of Rage at Ex

[NotARockstarOnHiatus]

I split from my ghastly abusive ex 3 years ago, and met someone new several months ago. The new thing is low key.

We went out for the first time with another couple (good friends of mine). We had dinner and it was really nice and chill. The conversation was funny/lovely, as you would hope for.

And then I think on my ex, who could turn it on for others, but would always get a nasty little barb (banter!) in. But worse, would start the night with “When are we leaving?” and finish it with a dissection of everything I said and usually how awful that made me. Why if he couldn’t get away quick enough, and found being there so awful was he with me?

What sort of shit person goes out of their way to ruin it for someone they claim to love by having them be on edge/clock watching/hyper aware of their mood. I hate him for all the occasions he ruined for me. I feel angry at him knowing how much it upset me, and not caring. I feel angry at him for just assuming my social life should be subject to his moods. I feel angry I let him pass comment on what I said when socializing and didn’t cut him dead the first time he did it. And anything I said or didn’t say was wrong.
I hate him that it was always my friendships which he sponged off, and belittled because he couldn’t do friendship on his own behalf.

Honestly, mostly I don’t think about him, but seeing the contrast of being with someone normal is both devastating (why did I stay with someone who hated me for so long), and rage inducing.

Rant over!

I totally understand where you’re coming from and it’s good to let that rage out and to process it. If you can, try to see your ex as a lesson that you learned and how you will now move forward from that experience, wiser and knowing what you want from future relationships due to living through what you didn’t want. Holding on to rage and hating him is just giving him your power. He’s had enough of your time. Try to counter these thoughts with thoughts of gratitude that you are free from such a horrible person. And to answer your question about how he could do that to someone he supposedly loved, the answer is because he is a pathetic excuse for a human who is so deeply insecure that he felt the need to make you unhappy and control you. He could see how awesome you are and had to bring you down because he lives in the depths of self loathing. You’re too good to allow him to still have that power over you. Process this and then let it go. Not to let him off the hook but to remove yourself from his hook. You deserve to be happy. Well done for leaving him.

Thank you. You are so right about processing it. At one level I know that these type of situations arise where again, I am confronted with just how dysfunctional the marriage was, and I need to process that. It isn’t easy but it is worth it.

Perhaps you could invest in some counselling to help you go through that process. It sometimes help to have someone to vent to and who can help you come to a place of acceptance in order to close the door on past trauma.