My paranoia and relationship anxiety is getting too much

[GettingOldAndLove]

I’d like to hear from people in long term relationships about where they are at now.

I think my paranoia and my relationship anxiety are wrecking my marriage.

To summarise 32 years of together and 27 years of marriage with DC is a bit much, but I’ll give you the basis of my paranoia.

I married the love of my life. We had so much in common, and lived and breathed for each other. Then, for a very large part of our marriage we lived overseas, and I can tell you that mine was one of the few that lasted, with most of our friend’s breaking up with the man going off with local women and leaving a trail of destruction. I remember returning to the UK to live and thinking “phew” at least I don’t have to put up with that pressure anymore.

However, during these 32 years my DH has had a few episodes of “I don’t know if I want to be married any more” that had me in hell for months. Make of that what you will. Possibly someone else? I’ve never got to the bottom of it. The last time was a couple of years ago. Also, my DH works away on projects and can be away around 3 months of the year. I’ve no clue what he gets up to, but my imagination goes wild.

Add into this the menopause, DC leaving home, some extended family members getting divorced as their DH has got themselves a younger model, and I can see firsthand the destruction and mental devastation it entails. I feel like my paranoia and anxiety has massively kicked in. I literally feel like I’m just waiting around for the next time my DH feels unhappy and re-evaluates our marriage. It’s a shit feeling and I’ve told him this is how I feel but he doesn’t do much to reassure me.

I’m constantly worrying about my future and I’m sick of being in this mental jail. To some extent I feel like the state I am in is going to cause it, it’ll come true.

What I’d really like is to love my DH (which I do, he has lots of brilliant qualities) but not have to worry about him ending our marriage. I’m clearly lacking in confidence in our relationship, which is a bit bonkers as we have been together for 32 years. I wish I didn’t give a shit, or could just think, well if it ends, that’s OK because I have some great qualities and someone else would appreciate me. However I don’t think likes this. I’m in my 50’s and I feel really insecure and I’m sick of feeling this way.

I can only liken it to having had a nasty illness, and I am recovered, but it’s permanently on my mind that it’s going to come back. Apologies if that is a really inappropriate thing to say.

One thing I’d like to know, is what is marriage supposed to look like after 30 years and maybe I’ll realise that we are actually OK and I need to chill out. I feel like I’m too old to worry about shit like this. It’s really getting me down.

Bless you, first of all - I really, really feel for you. It sounds as though you really love your DH, but you feel incredibly anxious and insecure within your marriage… which is completely understandable given what you’ve shared.

I think it is worth exploring with him whether he wishes to continue with the marriage… and be assertive and ask him exactly why did he have doubts before. It’s not okay that he doesn’t give you much reassurance. You deserve to feel happy, confident and secure in your relationship, especially after such a lengthy one in which you have been loyal and faithful.

On a personal level, OP, and I say this with most kindness and respect to you, I’d encourage you to look deep inside yourself and consider your own boundaries and expectations from a relationship/marriage. Just because you’ve been together for 32 years, doesn’t mean you have to remain together. Ask yourself, if you were single now, would you put up with this from a new relationship? And consider what is important in a relationship to you and whether you are getting this from your husband.

Why do you feel you are the one to blame? He's given you cause to worry with the pondering aloud whether he wants to be married still.

I agree Richtea with everything you’ve said.

I have asked him outright many times. When these episodes happened I didn’t beg him to stay, I let him go, but he didn’t. I asked him a couple of days ago. According to him, we are going to grow old together, and he loves me. But I don’t believe him. I don’t believe him because my instincts tell me he’s not being truthful. He looks away. This is why I feel paranoid.

Honestly, I’m going mad.

There really is a big difference between someone being a paranoid and insecure individual, who projects the wrongdoings of exes for example, onto their current relationship, has unhealed trauma that hasn’t occurred within their actual relationship, giving grief to a loyal and stable partner for no reason- and what you have described here.

He has created this insecurity in your marriage and it has caused major damage. You need to sit down with him and tell him you cannot go through another cycle of that, that you don’t understand the reasoning behind his changes of heart- I mean is he even giving you reasons when he does this? You need to express to him that it has done lasting damage to the stability of the relationship and the only way forward is if you can know he is 100% in, and if not, why, and is there a point to continuing the marriage?

I was in a push and pull relationship just like this. He didn’t understand the damage done and as I became increasingly more insecure, I was blamed fully for that insecurity.

It could be that you need a third person to mediate, like a marriage counsellor, who will be able to make it clear to him from an outside perspective, how damaging his behaviour has been to your relationship.

You’re not going mad. Your husband is not being very respectful to your marriage.

Actions speak louder than words. He may say he loves you but does he show you? Is he affectionate with you, does he do nice things for you, does he plan dates, do you have a healthy sex life?

I agree that it's not surprising given your DH's behaviour you don't really trust him.

But what comes over from your post is that it's all about him: how he is behaving, what he wants from life and relationships. And you are constantly on edge and reacting to his behaviour.

Perhaps if you focused on yourself more. Building an independent life that isn't focusing all the time on what he may of may not do. Do things for yourself.
Ultimately if he's going to leave you he will. But if you build your own life and your self esteem you will cope with that.

This is not to excuse your husband being an arse but just as a suggestion- have you contemplated HRT? I started last year after about two years of paranoia and anxiety and it has really helped. It won’t, of course, solve any deep rooted issues but it may make them easier to deal with.

I am not sure mine classes as long term as we have not been together as long as you (23 years here) and our children are still at home but to answer your question - my DH has never given me reason to doubt him. I however have had moments where I haven’t wanted to be married but haven’t vocalised them because I knew exactly what damage it would cause and didn’t want to put him through that when it wasn’t something I had thought through fully - and sure enough that period passed and I am very settled and love him dearly.

Some may argue that was dishonest but I think it saved a whole lot of heartache.

He has created this insecurity in your marriage and it has caused major damage. You need to sit down with him and tell him you cannot go through another cycle of that, that you don’t understand the reasoning behind his changes of heart- I mean is he even giving you reasons when he does this?

Thank you very much The Queen. You are dead right. I cannot go through another cycle of this. I have already told myself that next time I will end it. That’s the problem though, I think there will be a next time.

The first time he did it I think his head was turned. I didn’t know it at the time, but with hindsight I think this is what happened. The second time he reeled off the script. He told me we had no connection, the spark was gone, not sure if it will come back. I gave him a date and time to decide and leave. I came home and sat opposite him and said “ well what have you decided?”, fully expecting him to leave, and he stayed. Then lockdown happened, he couldn’t go away, and we got on like a house on fire.

The really annoying thing is that I worry about him leaving, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give 1 seconds thought about losing me.

I went through the same. Had this insane connection, so much love bombing and so much in common, then out of nowhere he would go dead cold, and reel off various things that made no sense to me, usually false accusations in my case, and I’d be left reeling for a few months until he came back. I too think he exited to pursue something else as it turns out he wasn’t a faithful person, that’s not always the case but it’s one possibility. Sometimes it’s just that someone is an eternally dissatisfied person, non commital and always looking for an escape route, even if they are with the total love of their life. These people find it very hard to live without the drama and the highs and lows.

My ex was very much into coercion, to get me to do things that he wanted me to do, so I think he also used this as a tool for me to give into him in various ways. Is any of that present in your relationship, any manipulation where he might be using him leaving as a tool to make you comply?

I think the second time yes possibly a tool to get me to comply. I wasn’t happy about him working away, then when he was here he didn’t want to do anything, and he went out a lot with workmates leaving me home with the DC. I got pissed off, and he then said he didn’t want to be married.

I don’t pull my DH up on stuff, I just let him do whatever, I don’t nag him because I don’t want another episode of “will he/wont he?” and it’s now screwing with my MH.

I’m not actually sure whether I’m scared of him leaving, or I wish he would. I’m confused and quite resentful TBH.

Well, seems he has taken for granted you always being there, and has thrown out the idea of leaving you to instill fear into you so you don’t get on his case about perfectly reasonable concerns. Rather than compromise or see the issue he would rather manipulate you to doing it his way, because he is emotionally immature. So his true feelings might well be that he doesn’t want to lose you at all, but that he’s become very used to the idea that he never will, and rather than nurture that he has used it to his advantage. Address that with him

Ah, I just want to reassure you that I don’t think you’re going mad. I think your reaction is completely valid given how he’s been with you. I agree with others that you need to have a serious talk with him and let him know the damage that his behaviours have caused you. I can almost feel the anxiety from here, and that is not going to give you a healthy frame of mind or marriage going forwards.

What do you feel like you’d need from him to help you in this situation? Really think about it. And without sounding gendered or sexist here, sometimes men, or indeed people, need it spelling out to them. He sounds like he either lacks a lot of awareness or respect for your relationship. I don’t know him, and I never will, but only you will be able to know that. Your anxiety and insecurity is completely justified here. Maybe you need him to demonstrate through words, or actions, that he truly wants to be with you. I get the faint impression that he’s become complacent and has taken you for granted. Relationships and marriages need constant work, you can’t leave them to fester. Wishing you well.

Maybe after conversation with him, you could consider couples therapy…

The trust has gone and that is very difficult to get back. On a practical level get your life in order, understand your finances and plan what you would do if he walks away again. He has the power at the moment as he says he will stay and you say ok but next time say no.

It sounds like you're playing the pick me dance with an unknown or ficticious opponent. Because it very much keeps you where he wants you, never questioning what he does and with whom.
He's at best a really shit husband, but I'd say he's a manipulative person who is enjoying toying with you.
Special kind of hell for that sort of person.
I genuinely hope you get a great therapist for yourself (definitely not with him) who will help you see through the fog 🌸

He is enjoying the attention and freedoms this is giving him.

Just remember, becoming a compliant doormat acquiescing to his every whim will not make you more attractive to him, quite the opposite.
Sometimes people unconsciously loose respect for us when we don’t stand up for ourselves.

If it were me, I would focus on myself, meet up with friends, get your hair and nails done, go to the gym or some classes… what else makes you happy? Indulge yourself in those things. Seek to genuinely make yourself happy.

It sounds like he has triggered an anxious attachment response in you, the best way to deal with it is to keep yourself immersed in things that please you.

Stop giving all this mental and emotional space to him, it’s counterproductive.

Get your affairs in order, speak to a lawyer, start gathering documents for evidence of accounts and assets, consider what is available regarding housing.

Lean on your family and friends, he is not being a good friend to you right now.

If I am right, he will be at your beck and call within a few months. Sustain this treatment for at least 4 months. The first months he may spend happy with the freedom, it takes time for reality to hit home. It really is cold outside when you’re used to family life and a loving loyal wife.

He sounds like an idiot. He will soon learn.

Do you even want to keep such an uncaring selfish idiot under these circumstances?

It’s interesting because he has a parent and extended family who I think are narcissists. They did a very serious number on his and his siblings esteem. I realised lately that his sibling is actually a chip off the old block and I’m now wondering if my DH is like them, just quieter and calmer, but he has some of these traits.

My DH never pays me any compliments. Other people tell me that I’m funny, kind, intelligent and nice looking, that I look nice in something. DH…never. When I’m with him I feel fat, uneducated, got a crap job, that he doesn’t get my sense of humour and I don’t feel ugly (only because I’ve never been told I am by anyone) but feel like I’m not really his type. That he’s married me, but if pressed is type is 5ft 10 blond/ red head with big boobs….I don’t know, just not me.

I feel like I need to apologise for the outpouring of low self esteem and paranoia and pity fest.

Incidentally, a lot of my friends and workmates would be surprised to hear all this as they think I’m quite confident. Just not in my relationship!

It sounds like he has triggered an anxious attachment response in you, the best way to deal with it is to keep yourself immersed in things that please you.

Bingo, well done.

I lost a parent as a teen. That feeling of “being alone” and scared as to what is going to happen to me was triggered when he said he was leaving. I wake up and I feel this way, and it’s the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.

Also, yes I am doing the pick me dance with a fictitious entity. I can hear myself saying to my DH, hey guess what, this person said I looked great today, my boss couldn’t believe my age, look at me I can cook, I’m a great wife aren’t it?

It’s fucking tiring and soul destroying. I’m honestly sitting here thinking, why does he put up with me, I’m a paranoid mess.

I found myself doing the same, trying to show him all I do for him and all the good qualities I have and it is soul destroying. I also found that he admired women with little integrity, and who were major flirts and I’d find myself getting so wound up inside by what exactly there was to admire about them, which would lead me to point out their flaws, which just isn’t who I even am as a person. Yes he has got you playing the pick me dance. My issue with my ex is that I never pursued him and I hadn’t dated in years, and wanted to know if I did date that that person was totally into me, and he made me believe all of that was the case; and then when their feet are under the table, they make you beg for their love and care

I am sorry The Queen. I hope you are happier now?

Paranoia is all about irrational and unsubstantiated fears….this doesn’t sound like you. From what you have written you have good and clear grounds for a rational
expectation that he might at some point leave. He has said that he might on a number of occasions but hasn’t done, leaving you high and dry wondering what next. Not only that, he has left you dangling for months on several occasions not knowing what his final decision was going to be. Actually I think that your response is entirely logical. It’s not your ‘paranoia and anxiety’ that is wrecking your relationship, it’s your husband creating real and actual insecurity by his messing around, half-threats to leave and never doing so. No one in your situation would feel calm and secure about their relationship and it’s entirely of his doing. Your response makes complete sense, especially given the loss of a parent in your teenage years. I would stop beating yourself up that the fault lies with you and redirect your attention to his appalling behaviour. That’s not a kind or loving way to behave at all. I’d also look at getting some therapy to deal with your parental loss because it will help you to have a firmer grip on what’s happening now.
You are not paranoid, you’re a sensible human having a rational response to some shoddy behaviour and don’t let him
make you think otherwise. All the very best.

So much happier! X

It feels like he's using that threat to manipulate you, keep you in check. But you say he's away for months at a time and when he's home he's distant? Being single would be easier. If you feel he isn't giving you enough time emotionally or even with his physical presence, what is he actually adding to the equation?

You don't need to stay with him just because you've been together for years. Anyone that can threaten to leave the marriage in such a casual manner when they don't get their own way does not care sufficiently about their partner.

Maybe you need to see it that growing old together with him isn't really even in your best interests?

@GettingOldAndLove - some incredibly insightful and wise advice above. And sorry for your devastating loss of your father when you were only a teenager.

I think that has definitely affected how you have viewed your husband and your marriage. You use terminology which isn’t helpful: you say he is the love of your life and you lived and breathed for each other. The term “love of your life” suggests that he is the only man for you. He’s not. The truth is that he was a man you loved and love very much – that’s enough.

In fact, most of us will meet at least a few partners whom we can love very much and build a long-term relationship with. From your timeline, it sounds like you met him and settled down young and perhaps you therefore have the impression he’s the only man you could really love. He’s not. The human race would die out very quickly if there were only one right person for each of us!!!

It feels like – completely understandably – you have built a narrative around who your husband is and what this marriage is. The loss of your father probably meant that instead of your husband being one of a few very important men in your life, he perhaps became the only important man in your life. Things you might have shared with your father, you shared with your husband instead. He didn’t replace your father but he assumed a greater significance to you because of the loss of your father. Your marriage is of course not perfect. No-one’s is. Your husband and you are also not perfect – no-one is. And that’s fine. It may be that your marriage has run its course. It may be you need to re-negotiate the terms. As you describe it – it’s not really working for you in its current form.

But the biggest problem is that you seem to have completely lost yourself in all of this. Where are you? As other PPs have said – this is all about him and his feelings and his behaviour. It sounds like you’ve lost your centre to him (that whole living and breathing for each other thing – in a healthy relationship, we live and breathe for ourselves alongside our loved ones, who are doing the same; we enjoy our shared lives but we make space for ourselves and our needs and wants also). You need to make yourself your centre. Focus on the things you enjoy doing; friends you enjoy seeing; interests, hobbies etc. Make yourself your centre and you will, ultimately, be fine whether this marriage continues or ends.

Agree with this.

I posted a thread recently in the Mental Health chat, asking for help for not trusting him etc.

Truth is, he lies to me over and over, while I hide that from people, blame myself for being paranoid and ask for advice on how I can change.

As you said above, it's soul destroying. The best thing to do is leave.