So my 13 year relationship has come to an end. We were married for 10 years and have 2 children. The first 5 years were incredible, I hate to use the phrase "Love at first sight" but it really was, I entered the local bar and there she was, just staring at me across the bar with her big eyes. there was no pursuing each other, no mind games. Just both of us having the same goals in life and the same values and morals. It was like a drug, We couldn't get enough of each other.
However, we grew apart over the years after we both invested all our time, energy and love into the kids. We basically neglected each other. Physical intimacy just went right out the window about 2 years after our youngest was born, I kept trying and trying but got sick of the rejection. So I gave up.
Now interestingly one of the comments she made one night was: "We only have sex to make babies" I was pretty shocked to hear that, I didn't really know what to say. I was like "Ok what do you mean by that" and she just wouldn't open up, she just said we do. I thought this was her setting a boundary and so I didn't want to keep pushing it. Fast forward 5 years later and she's telling me she feels alone, unloved and abandoned. Now, I was the affectionate one in the relationship, I would give her Foot massages, Back massages and Head massages. I would kiss and cuddle her, Every morning without fail, I would make her a coffee and kiss her goodbye before going to work. I would find us recipes so I could cook us nice meals with a bottle of her favourite wine, I would buy flowers every now and then and small gifts. So I really didn't know what she meant at the time because I think I had become depressed and made myself emotionally unavailable to myself and to her. (The connection we once had, had just gone and I felt numb inside, I wasn't happy and I wasn't sad, I was just there)
I was trying to be logical about it, I suggested it might have been because she was doing her Masters Degree and still working and looking after the kids. She didn't think so, but again, didn't open up to me. 2 years later I find out she was in the early stages of an affair and so I left to stop at my parents, she said she hadn't been happy in the marriage for a long time.
I have so many regrets, I know it takes two people to make a relationship work and I just felt it became very one sided. I gave all the affection and was thoughtful but got nothing back for so long. I suggested we go to marriage counselling but she didn't want that. Now I cant stop thinking that maybe she became bored of our Sex and just wants something different, I feel massively rejected because of that, Was I just not good enough? After we had broken up for about 6 weeks, I felt as though I was in touch with my feelings again and my brain fog had disappeared.
However, I know I'm in the stages of depression again, I have been having counselling to help me understand what went wrong. I feel like such a failure and don't feel good enough. I worry that at the age of 36 I will never find another love like that. And of course she is now dating someone new which just makes it even more painful.