Abusive texts

[FreshStart2025]

I’m after some guidance really. My ex husband is still abusive by text, name calling, criticising, swearing, blaming etc. We use a parent app and that’s our only form of communication.

I will not block him / use a third party as I want to always be contactable when he has the children.

I always just ignore him and don’t respond to his comments. However it doesn’t stop him saying what he thinks of me. I don’t have notifications on and just check periodically.

I’m getting grief from family members that I am too weak and I shouldn’t take what he is saying. If anyone has been through a similar thing, is it best to:

(1) Ignore completely and not engage or
(2) Challenge his behaviour every single time.

We’ve been separated for 2.5 years now.

I'm sorry, this sounds really upsetting for you. Not engaging is probably always the best option but very hard to do when it's happening again and again.

Is there any way you can report the messages on the app? That way he receives a telling off from the third party for swearing etc. Might work as a reminder that others may end up seeing the messages and disapprove?

I think if it was me and it had been going on for years I'd have to engage by screenshots to his mum, siblings etc

My ex husband did the same, the texts got worse when he had the children. (Critisising my parenting, swearing, name calling, it was relentless, it made me ill) I'm convinced he did it to make sure my free time was spent worrying about what he would send next. In the end I reported him to the police for harassment. The police viewed the messages and agreed it met the criteria of harassment. They brought him in for questioning under caution, he took a solicitor with him. Funnily enough, the awful text and phone calls stopped after that.

It's easy for people to say ignore them. But your phone is ur personal space, and u shouldn't be worried everytime u pick it up that u are going to be given abuse. Hope you get it sorted.

I hear you.

I spoke to my ex recently to say my dad has gone into a nursing home, ex is a vicar and thought he could pray or whatever. Initially lovely messages and then he said he couldn't speak to me. I thought he must be tired/busy etc.

Then a string of texts telling me how I had humiliated him by leaving him, how he didn't want to be an ex. Increasingly horrible stuff. Then photos of me and finally saying how he loved me.

I only replied twice to say go to bed.

Four days later he apologised, and then sent a really nice message when I had put on Facebook that I had had a fall.

I think you need the communication for your children. What you think of him you aren't going to put in a text. Hopefully his messages you can ignore and if they aren't hurting your mental health he is just showing more and more what a cockwomble he is.

You aren't weak. He's your ex. You moved on. He is still in the same place two and a half years later.

I think you should report him to the police if they are really abusive.

It is harassment and you are doing the right thing trying to keep communication channels open but he is abusing you using those channels.

Perhaps speak to the police and ask if they could have a word with him. Might make him stop

Could you block him during the times he doesn’t have the children?

I don't know at what level they become harassment, but I'd respond once to say something like, "Please stop sending me these abusive and unpleasant messages, they're not necessary". And then, assuming they continue, i would call the police to see what they think. I have a vague memory of reading on here that you need to have clearly articulated that the behaviour is unwanted (no shit sherlock) x number of times and then, if it continues, THEN it becomes harassment.

Responding will not help though. I know a lot of people are fans of the "thumbs up" emoji. I considered sending exBIL a series of messages with unicorns and rainbows after one of his endless rants at me... I still sort of wish I had done it but the moment had passed and I blocked him after that!

He was abusive whilst you were married to him and he remains the same now.

I would contact the police re his messages because they are abusive and amount to you being harassed. You would not tolerate this from a friend, do not tolerate this from him via a parenting app (was that suggested to you by some organisation like Cafcass?). Abusive men will stop at nothing to keep on abusing. Such types of men also hate women, ALL of them.

How old are the children?. Are they at any age where their wishes are taken into account?. How do they feel about seeing their dad?. Do they want to see him?. Are they seeing him in a contact centre?.

Do not respond to any of his messages even with an emoji; what he wants from you is a response and he knows he has you then. Maintain radio silence and contact the Police.