Think I need to go no/low contact with my family

[Bornnotbourne]

My sister for as long as I can remember has been demanding of my parents attention. If anything happens in my life she creates so I don’t get any help. My parents don’t realise or want to admit this is the case. I’ve had to create my own support system after I was abandoned to look after a toddler post op and tore stitches open as a result (this is one of many instances including miscarrying, post partum depression, chronic illness which requires surgery which I have dealt with alone). My sister will often tell my parents they’re not allowed to help, for example, a couple of years ago they offered to lend me money to move house but then just as I offered and accepted an offer on my house she became upset and they withdrew their offer. She has had vast amounts of money from them as they chose to send her to private school.

More recently she has been shouting at them whenever my name is mentioned, this week my mum has been at my house twice telling me about these incidents. I have always been last in my parents lives after my sister, their new partner, their careers etc . I have done a lot of emotional and practical support for both of them over the years. I no longer expect or want anything from them. I realise that their favouritism of her now extends to her children as they have provided a huge amount of childcare and tutoring for them. My children are starting to notice this and realise how unpleasant the dynamic is.
I don’t know how to continue, I’m struggling to sleep and feel guilty just for existing. I can’t cope with the results of these explosions for my sister and my health condition which is already poor is being affected by the stress. Any advice gratefully appreciated.

I really sympathise with you OP.

My sister had a similar type of effect on my life. I know it wasn't her fault that she had diagnosed mental illness from her late teens but it meant my parents whole attention focused on her and supporting her and I was left to just get on with managing with my life on my own, including really traumatic events.
My sister also, without exception, spoilt every one of the important occasions in my life by making them all about her: some drama that focused everyone on her. I know that was part of her illness but it was still hurtful.
I' m now no contact with what's left of my family and her. I wish I'd done it years sooner because I feel I let my family damage my life . I feel a sense of relief now.
So yes if you think no contact / low contact will be beneficial for you then do it.

@Icancopealone I know it’s sounds stupid but how would you phrase telling them. They have the habit of showing up at my house and I really don’t want to sit and listen to latest poison she has said about me. I just want them to focus on her, they have a clear preference for her and I think she calm down if I’m no longer in the picture. They have said in the past they would be upset if they didn’t have a relationship with my kids but don’t show much interest in them.

I would make myself far less available to them going forward. It is not possible to have a relationship with people this disordered of thinking and your parents created this dynamic.

She may well have some untreated and untreatable form of personality disorder. Your sister appears to be the golden child here (itself a role not without price either though she is unaware of this) with you being the scapegoat for their inherent ills. As a result your children are also scapegoated. Your parents are your sister's flying monkeys sent in by her to do her bidding; she shouts at them about you then they arrive at your house to repeat what she said to them!. Flying monkeys have their own agenda and do not have your interests at heart so their opinions should be ignored.

With you out of the picture entirely hopefully these three could further turn against each other. Where are your boundaries at here re your parents?. You do not have to let them into your home at all and particularly if they arrive unannounced. You do not have to give them a set speech or anything if you want to go low or no contact. Drop the rope and grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Consider therapy for your own self as you have received the Special Training to put their needs first with your own dead last. You may also want to read the Out of the FOG website.

I didn't tell my family I was going no contact. I just stopped responding to any messages, didn't answer the phone, stopped sending birthday/ Christmas cards etc. I was already low contact and so just really started acting as though they were nothing to do with me.

However, because of the distance I live now from the remains of my family I didn't have the problem that you have of them physically coming round to my home.

I think you will need to say to them that you don't want them to come. Tell them that you would prefer they left you to get on your life alone. Ultimately if they have never shown care and support to you, haven't given any thought to your feelings, then does it really matter if you hurt their feelings by telling them you don't want to see them? You have to come to a point where your well being, your mental health, trumps any offense they may take.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for the recommendation of the website. I was hoping that my sister would calm down rather than further escalate. Over lockdown my parents broke contact with me and moved in with her. This seemed to calm her massively. She has been angry ever since they re established contact. She is happier with my dad as he only sees me once a month but seems to direct most of her anger at my mum who visits me once/twice a week.

@Icancopealone i think I need to have a conversation with my mum again. I have suggested numerous times no contact in an effort to calm things down. I wish I live miles away from them. My children are content in their schools and I could afford to move so I’m stuck for the time being.

You putting a boundary in place will cause an upset, because they use you to play a role in their unhealthy relationship. They need you, and they need you to not change.
If you aren't ready to break contact yet, then change something. Say to your Mum - ''stop telling me what X says about me.'' See how she reacts to that. If she's evasive or minimises it, say ''its abusive, stop doing it''. She won't react well but that's fine, let her. Stay firm about it, don't back down, and be prepared to repeat it.

@Thelnebriati I’m almost certain she won’t be able to respect any boundaries I implement. I’m going to have a week off my relationship with them then think about what I am able to cope with. My physical health has taken a battering in recent months and would like some peace to recover.

For a practical solution, short term what about using a camera doorbell? You can then just ignore your mother's visits to give yourself some breathing space. If she phones be breezy, "Oh awfully busy with kids activities, just on our way out I will call you back", then just don't. Long term maybe some counseling support for yourself, I wouldn't announce going no contact, just keep replying less often, and if your parents kick off, tell them how hurt you were by them going no contact and you need space to reflect and you will contact them, but again make no contact. If you can't do this for yourself you need to do it for your DC, they deserve a happy, stress free mum.

@Dontbeme suggested it to my partner who went ahead and bought one. He says he’ll deal with it for awhile. Thanks for your help, hope I manage some sleep tonight.

Could you write a letter to your mum? And put everything you feel in it. I did similar with my mum and it really helped. She actually said she saw of some of my points, but she had really pushed back and got very defensive on the times I had tried to speak to her. I put that since I have had my children I couldn't imagine putting all my love and help on one (and the grandkids by extension), and she said she hadn't realised that was what she had done. I think she was so wrapped up in my sister's needs and her children's needs being more important, that she wasn't aware she was still enforcing that dynamic.

Your mum sounds like she is trying with the 1-2x a week visits. I kind of think you owe it to her to explain and explain what your boundaries will be if things don't change