I want to move out my hometown but my partner doesn’t want to.

[Lolly301]

Hey
Just doing a brief description as it’s abit of a long one without going into too much detail, I’m 29 F 2 DD- 9&5 + 2 DS - 2&1. I’ve been with my partner for just over 11 years, the relationship has been on and off for the last couple of years (child 3&4 adding a lot more pressure). I’ve been wanting to move out of my hometown since I was 19 and I feel like I’ve made a lot of compromises during our relationship (staying in my hometown, becoming at SAHM - this one was super hard for me as I’m very work motivated and like to always be doing something, for me being a mum doesn’t bring a full fulfilment and I’m not ashamed to say it, I’ve always needed that little more) with him having to make well non really. We broke up for 6 months earlier this year (due to him going out at weekends and coming home at 5am) and in that time I realised I had nothing personally for me or my babies and it frightened me, all my friends have moved to various places across the uk and so I decided to make a plan and get myself to uni and move to a different city something I’ve always wanted to do. I made him aware of this as I would be moving the kids and he was ok with it. We have since got back together and things seem to have really changed, everything between us has gotten so much better and I don’t want to ruin it it’s like them 6 months was a wake up call. I am currently doing an access course in medical science and applied to unis out of our hometown (as planned) and he’s took the funnies saying I’ll have to commute, which could entail up to 4 hours of travelling a day, I don’t want to change my plans as I’m so unhappy here its definitely got worse as the years have gone on to the point where the days I’m not at my course I’m not leaving my house unless it’s for the school run. I feel like I can never really have that fresh start whilst living here and there’s not much opportunity for my kids either, basically completely outgrown the place. Anywhere I suggest - one place being only 30mins from our hometown he says is a “shithole”, but we probably live in the worst place in our hometown anyway. My oldest daughter is absolutely up for moving as she’s really been struggling at her school with bullying so I’m not worried about uprooting the kids as the others are young enough to still form strong bonds if that makes sense? I genuinely think it will be good for us. Do I go without him? I’ve just had enough and I’m sick and tired of always putting my wants and needs last. It’s probably the first time I feel strongly about putting my goals first yet I feel so guilty for it. Any advice would be great x

Do it if you can, life is too short. Can you realistically do it without him? Have you got support in place in your potential new area?

I'm all for living life and going for it, but how can you seriously expect to be able to do a uni course, with 4 young kids and move? Realistically it's not possible.

You need to be honest with yourself as to why you keep sabotaging what you say you want with having babies, staying with a dick etc.

If he doesn't want to move, what are the practicalities of bringing up four children and studying? Do you have support in the new area?

I think there is value in reflecting on why you had so many children at a young age when you wanted to move and study from being a teenager.

To what extent have you researched the practicalities of moving - housing, childcare etc?
With 4 very young DCs you would need to ensure you had everything in place before you went about uprooting your life and separating from your partner, especially if you have no family support in the new place.
If you are going to study for a medical orientated degree it sounds as though it will be really hard work. Are you clear about the amount of study time you will need to invest?
I.think it's a big deal to consider doing this and whilst you might not find being a mother fulfilling you owe it to your children, having brought them into the world, to put their needs first.

If you're work orientated, is there a reason you've not picked a job that has training and progression but an access course at university? How will this be funded?

Honestly moving + going to uni + 4 under 10 sounds like an absolute minefield, especially if he's the only earner and you need him on board to pay for the move. Especially finding + paying for new childcare in a new area + housing.

I appreciate your opinion& I get where you’re coming from, i feel like I do pretty good in my access course, which is basically 2 years of A levels cramped into one so its pretty intense. I’ve already gave in 3 assignments and got a distinction for my first one. It’s hard work but it’s definitely possible I think it all depends on a persons mindset x

this one was super hard for me as I’m very work motivated and like to always be doing something, for me being a mum doesn’t bring a full fulfilment and I’m not ashamed to say it, I’ve always needed that little more)

Good grief op if that was the case why did you have 4 children? The truth is it's going to be very challenging to move and build a career in the situation you're in.

No jobs in my area, for the psychology route I plan to take anyway, they like you to have a degree even for an assistant psychologist. I already do my access course Im not sure if I’ve explained it very well 🫣 so my course at uni is paid by an advanced learner loan and they also pay 85% of childcare through bursary, which will be similar at any university really.

How can you move without him as surely he needs to pay? I think you have put yourself in a precarious position not being married with no job and having 4 DCs.

You say you are very work motivated, but you both working and managing childcare for 4 will be very challenging and expensive.

I did an access course when I had young DC and it was the best decision I have ever made, well done!

I can see why you would like to move out of your hometown too, but you need to think through the benefits and practicalities. We moved 2 hours away when I went to uni but we only had 2 DC and were renting at the time and it suited my DH work wise.

What is your housing situation?
What about your partners work situation?
Do you have a support network that you would lose?
Will you be moving to a better area?
Is it worth moving only 30 mins away? That sounds like you would still have a 90 min commute to university to somewhere maybe still not great?
Is your partner going to be supportive and make it easier or harder for you study?

I agree with this the most & honestly I don’t know, I think I’m just starting to ask myself this question, which is why I’m thinking feeling this way etc

Go. And do it without him.

He doesn't want you to do anything except stay at home cleaning and looking after kids.

You can do it.

What makes him want to stay put? Is it just lack of imagination and the effort it will take or is he really close to family nearby?

If he wanted to move, would you stay together?

If it's just inertia, then don't move 30mins away, aim for the best place you can and help him find a job there, sell it to him as a great place to have kids and a life. He needs more pros to balance out the effort involved.

If you are doing it alone, find a uni with the most flexible course, so you can choose a realistic pace and chip away at the degree. I'd worry you were setting yourself up to fail doing it full time, as a newly single parent in a new place with no support system.

The thing that strikes me about what you've written is that he hasn't acknowledged the way you feel, or sought to compromise at all, while you've been a stay at home mum to four kids for a decade. You need a supportive partner and it sounds like you've got a petulant fifth child who doesn't care that much about you. I hope you find a way to pursue your dreams and honestly I hope it doesn't include him.

This is what leapt out at me.

Ahhh a little positivity on this thread Thankyou!
to answer your questions
We Rent
He works full time his organisation is in every city I applied to uni so there is a possibility of transfer!
I have my mum (she’s the only one that really helps with my kids besides partner) who said if I get into with Manchester university (I applied at 2) she said she’ll move with us as my brother lives in Manchester also.

I applied to 2 unis which are around an 1hr from where I live now. Manchester is the one I really want and that’s the one that’s 2hours from where I am.
He's been supportive since I’ve been doing the access course, I don’t know I just feel like this was always the plan and now it’s getting more real he’s backing out saying things like he’s not guaranteed a transfer which is true, and saying what if he can’t get a job it’s all just very negative and so I’m just frustrated

Ok so the bulk of your childcare costs are covered what about the rest? Would you realistically be able to work as well as study or would you be better studying part time, working and balancing it all?

Why doesn’t he want to leave or for you to have a decent career in the future? What would his work options be if you moved? Do you currently have a big family support network where you are?

I’m all for making the most of your options but you need to balance the practicalities too.

Go for it. If you can do it alone, I think you should. If he loves you he will follow you.
Live your life for you, not for others.

That’s an amazing offer from your Mum. Well done for completing your assignments and getting a distinction. Go for it!

I’d focus on applying to Manchester then with or without him, with your mum and your brother already there you’ve got support in place and your kids will have more opportunities than in a small town (I grew up in a small place with no opportunities, I totally get it).

Could you do it there without him?

He won’t know about a transfer until he applies, cut off the negativity by just repeating that until he does but plan to go alone, he’d have to pay maintenance for the kids too to support them.

Well, yeah, he would do whilst you were still in your place and had a hobby for a year. It's only when you actually turn out to be smart, capable, have been offered a place and your mum has said she'll help you that he's thought 'oh, shit, no, I'm not having any of that'.

He might have a 'How about we get married?' or 'what about we have another baby?' Epiphany to try and keep you in your place. Or maybe a 'you think you're too good, you're not that smart, you're neglecting the kids' type moment. Best way to deal with those is to have the network set up for you to get on with it regardless - and live your life, not stay in a cage because he doesn't like you getting notions.

I'm with PP who say that if you've always wanted to work and go to uni, you need to ask yourself why at 20 you started having babies and then stayed home for 8 years having 4 kids.

From where I sit, it's obvious this relationship isn't a goer long term. Is he significantly older than you? Is this another tale of the older man who knocks up a gullible younger woman then keeps her tied down with babies and the squashing of her dreams so she's easier to control?

If, practically and financially, you can pull off the move and do the studying without him, just go.

OP I think it's time to plan it for yourself as if he isn't coming.
Ten years is long enough to be treading water.
No point questioning why you've ended up with four children, they are here and you need to work out how you plan for study, and work, and childcare.
You sound to me as if you've got what it takes to do it, with or without DH, but hopefully when he sees you are serious about going, with or without him, he'll get over his cold feet.

Sounds like you have a great plan and you should stick to it, preferably leaving your useless bloke behind
Please don't underestimate how hard it may be for you to find a job post graduation though, psychology degrees are one of the most popular and in no way easily lead to a job in the field.
Either way I think you have to try - and Manchester is great, although housing is expensive