Enmeshed DH & MIL; what happens when MIL dies?

[LeaveALittleNote]

NC for this one. Anyone here with a husband who was enmeshed with his mother? How did your husband cope when she died? Did she continue to cause problems in the relationship even when she was not around any longer? Did your husband turn on you after her death (especially if she never approved of you)?

Just for context, before I get accused of being a journalist, my MIL isn’t very well, and as she’s very very old now I fear her time could be up soon. My husband has been enmeshed with her for as long as I’ve known him (almost 20 years). She is very manipulative and very good at it. She also does not approve of me because of my social class. Her presence in our life has been strong and intrusive, and I wonder if things will be better or worse for us as he battles with grief. Would be really curious to hear of others who’ve lived through this.

A lot depends on how he handles grief and how much of her thoughts he has internalised. Also, grief can make you angry so there's a risk that his anger could turn on you if you 'fail' in talking in a certain way about her.

IME people who experience the FOG develop lots of issues. Like being overly critical, of themselves and others. Not being able to apologise. Weird stuff. He will be unhealthy psychologically, because of the unhealthy primary relationship.

Well, and whether how we define ‘enmeshed’ is gendered.

Enmeshed is an interesting word. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in a son having a close relationship with his mother, infact I think more of a man who cares for and looks after his mum. If a wife tried to come between that and drives a wedge then yes I’d imagine there is a chance of resentment setting in on her passing. This of course is for a ‘standard’ mother / mother in law, who mostly is a loving mum with the best of intentions. If the MIL is genuinely an unpleasant, mean person who causes issues for her son and his family, then that is different and will have different intricacies, but it will really depend on just how bad the behaviour of the MIL has honestly been.

@MrsTerryPratchett Yes, what I’m worried about is how much he has internalised. She’s dominated him and he does seem to hang on to her every word. I have been biting my tongue for years over this.

@Goodluckanddontfitup At first I thought his closeness with his mother was a positive thing, but over time I started to see the problems. She didn’t approve of his ex wife, and I know his ex wife found the situation very hard. She has been verbally abusive towards me when my husband wasn’t in the same room. She seems very jealous of the time I spend with DH, invites herself on our holidays, often comes to stay, and has interfered in our relationship. I also think she might have split up her other son’s marriage. She’s pretty bad.