Crushes

[Frenchespresso]

I've been in a relationship since I was 17 so nearly 15 years now. He's a lovely partner and dad. He's kind, funny and we are best friends. Since I left university I've had 3 big crushes on older men which have been completely all consuming. Lockdown paused the current one but I often find myself thinking of him. It doesn't help that he visits me every few weeks just for a chat.

I think I've come to terms with the fact that I have low self esteem and while my DPs feelings for me are comforting and reciprocated, he has become so linked to me that I can't get the same level of confidence as I can from someone else. I guess it's a bit like when your parents say something nice about you, it feels less conditional.

What I'm wanting to do is escape this pattern. I find myself desperate to know if this crush likes me back when it's so pointless. I crave this validation because it sort of feels like no man has ever been interested in me other than my DP for all this time and why does that even bother me?

I don't like the way I sound in this post but I'm just trying to be honest. I would really value non judgemental and compassionate advice to give me some perspective. I honestly want to focus on my family and not these older men.

Can you get counselling to work through the self-esteem issues?

I think this is a good idea 🙂 thank you.

You sound very level headed and quite switched on about why these happen and the fact that they don't mean much in the long run. Could you simply try avoiding the person involved for a few weeks, to help the crush fizzle out? You know logically that it will wane at some point, so keep reminding yourself of that.

You're not doing anything wrong really, although you're probably giving a lot of headspace to these guys. In reality, your partner has probably had his share of crushes too, it's totally normal.

It might sound a bit silly, but could you focus on other ways of getting validation or acceptance, which doesn't focus on men's attention - like taking up a hobby or getting really good at a sport, or a fitness challenge or something. Is there anything you have wanted to achieve, or be part of that you could spend time/ headspace on? It will keep you busy at least.

I find that when I'm busier or things are going well in my life, I give less time to daydreaming. But if I'm bored or feeling unfulfilled it can take over a bit.