Pregnant with twins and partner has left

[noideawhatshappeningnow]

This is going to be long so I apologise in advance. Some background - I have 1 DC (who will turn 4 just after the twins are born) from a previous relationship. DC father not involved due to abuse and non molestation order and he's never bothered to go for access through the official channels and doesn't even pay the £30 a month maintenance he's supposed to pay. Pregnant with twins and planning an ELCS as this is what I had with my first.

Had a few problems with my partner over the last couple of months - disappearing off and doing stupid things, not answering the phone when he's gone off in a mood for hours, not communicating, being very nasty and just generally treating me like shit. Argument after argument, I've give him chance after chance to change and sort his priorities out, prove that he wants to do this and to put the work in with me. We are supposed to get married next week. The last few days have been horrendous, the way he's acted has been awful and honestly I don't know what is going on with him, he wouldn't speak to me properly about anything but I felt like this morning we worked through some issues and we were in a relatively good place. We've had frank and open honest conversations about the relationship and how we both feel and what we both need/want etc and I felt okay today and like things were finally going to move forward.

Woke up from a nap and he was back to being nasty, speaking to me like shit about having no fuel in the car and generally being a twat. Went to see the midwife this afternoon, listened to babies etc and when we got out he complained it was shit and he couldn't hear them properly etc. We are supposed to have a growth scan tomorrow but I have no childcare for my DC - I have no family support, mum died 18 months ago and we were very very close and my dad is useless. Sibling can't help and no other family. Usually ask a family friend if I'm stuck but she's away so I can't ask her. He's ranting and raving that in my first pregnancy I got to do everything, never missed any appointments etc and that everything in this pregnancy has been shit and so on and so forth. I've explained we will have to rearrange the scan because I want to both go and us to both be involved. These are his first children so I understand his frustration but it's completely unavoidable - there is NOBODY to have my DC at all and the guidelines on the appt letter are very clear not to bring DC and he would be made to wait outside with DC which would defeat the point of going anyway.

He ended up driving like an idiot and telling me to get out of the car outside the house, he said he was done and a load of other abuse and then drove off. Haven't heard from him since although I have tried to get in touch a few times I've stopped bothering now as it's clear I won't get an answer.

I have no idea what to do. I feel so vulnerable, I've literally got nobody in the world to turn to right now for support and a young DC to look after. I'm poorly and exhausted and feel like the world has been yanked out from under me. I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to cope with 2 newborns and a young child after a c section with nobody to help me whatsoever it's going to be relentless and we are all going to suffer as a result. His family have said they would be supportive no matter what (I spoke to his mum yesterday and she reassured me they will always be there for us and help out etc) but realistically they work full time so won't be able to offer any practical support in the days/weeks after the birth. I don't have anyone I can speak to about what's going on and I feel so alone. My heart is breaking, I've already lost my mum and I just want her to speak to and now my partner has turned on me and some of the things he's said has been horrific (like he hopes me and the twins die on the table and I leave my DC an orphan).

I have no practical support in the way of friends or family and I feel like this is supposed to be a happy time - I thought I was finally going to have something good in my life and now it's all gone horribly wrong and I know it's not me, it's him and his issues but I don't deserve this. I've been through enough. If I'd known this was going to happen I would've never continued with the pregnancy but he was so on board with it and over the moon and so involved until these last 6 weeks or so. I don't know what I'm expecting from posting this I just needed somewhere to get it out.

Thank you if you've read this x

So this scan you’re having tomorrow - is it a fun one like a private window to the womb type thing or is it a proper medical scan? If it’s a proper NHS medical scan then call your MIL (or almost MIL) if she’s local and see if she can take a few hours off work. Or call all the mums you know from nursery if she goes or call nursery and see if they’ll take her an extra morning or whatever.
With twins you are likely to need more scans than the standard 12week and 20week. Your partner or ex partner will not be able to attend them all and you’re going to need to have them anyway.

last resort, you call the midwife early tomorrow and explain you have no childcare as you’ve exhausted all your contacts and no one is available. Ask if they want to reschedule or for you to bring your 3 year old.

I definitely would be cancelling the wedding . Do not marry that man child what ever you do.

It sounds as if you are in a horrible situation. Has your partner told you why he's behaving in this way? Is he scared of becoming a Father and having a huge amount of responsibility? I definitely wouldn't be marrying him, that needs to be put on the back burner. Regardless, of his feelings, these babies are coming, like it or not, it's happening. He needs to step up.

Please don't marry him. He sounds utterly vile. Irresponsible, selfish, lazy, nasty minded and not someone you would want within a country mile of your children.

The scan is a proper medical NHS one, like I say it's a growth scan (the first one of what will be every 4 weeks)
"MIL" unfortunately can't take the time off work at short notice due to the type of job she works or that would've been the first thing we would have done. He suggested his grandparents but they are elderly and his grandma has dementia so I don't think it's fair on them to watch a 3 year old for a couple of hours. DC doesn't go to a nursery but to a childminder - this works better due to suspected additional needs etc but that's a whole other thing. Unfortunately childminder cannot fit him in for the afternoon due to the numbers she already has. I haven't really spoken to any of the other parents so that's not an option. He wants to attend them all because it's his first time which I understand but I know he's being unreasonable and I've tried to explain this to him. He seems to see it as if he misses a scan or whatever that he's not involved and my previous partner didn't have to miss anything so why should he. But the circumstances now are very different and he's just not understanding of that at all which is another issue.

That was my plan - to contact them and say I've got no childcare whatsoever so what should I do. But the thing is if partner (or ex partner as the case may be) were to come and we bring DC they will make him wait in the waiting room anyway with DC so it would be pointless as he would still not be in the room for the scan so wouldn't see anything. I just feel like this is all unnecessary added stress that I don't need and that as my partner he shouldn't be putting this pressure on me let alone whilst I'm pregnant. If my mum were here it would be a completely different story as she would do anything and everything to help but sadly she isn't and that makes it so much more difficult.

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed - it's only a small wedding at a registry office but we picked somewhere nice not in our city so that we could have a nice day and stay over somewhere nice afterwards etc so we haven't spent loads but still a few hundred pounds that we wouldn't get back and I'm just so annoyed at losing the money that I could've spent on other things if I'd known this wasn't going to go ahead

He's said he's scared and that he feels I don't want him but that's not true - I have asked him to leave before to go and calm down etc or take some space to work through his thoughts/emotions so he takes that as me not wanting to be with him which is utterly ridiculous. I know it's a big responsibility but from what he (and his family) have said all he's ever wanted is children/a family and he's got that opportunity now but keeps insisting on throwing it away!

I think if he doesn't want to be involved that's his choice and I will deal with that - I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate etc if he isn't stepping up now or sorting himself out but I just can't deal with the back and forth all the time it's not fair. It's a difficult enough time as it is for me being pregnant (with twins!), still grieving my mum and having another child to raise. I feel I've been very naive in thinking everything would work out because he said x y and z and now I'm the one left in the shit really.

I think you are lucky he is showing clearly now that this isn’t a man to marry .

im sorry that this is happening, it must be upsetting

but you can do hard things.

you deserve better

being a solo parent will be better than being the wife of an absuive man.

You need to urgently contact women's aid. He's vile and abusive. Please call them.

What is your living situation?

Sorry about your mum; it leaves a big hole. But please don't marry this person.

You certainly need to make sure you are physically and mentally safe. He sounds like an absolute prize arsehole and definitely don’t marry him.

However - from your original post it sounds like this all started a couple of months ago. I’m not excusing his behaviour recently at all - but is he having some sort of freak out/breakdown?

If he’s been kind and loving until recently I’d get his family involved and see if they can shed any light.

Do not do anything you can’t undo, however, and I’m sorry it does sound like you may have to raise your babies as a single mother, if he doesn’t sort his shit out. Let your midwives/health visitor know. All the best.

I think it's hard that I feel I've ruined my own life and more importantly my existing DC's life by bringing 2 more children into a shit situation and I don't think I'll cope being a solo parent to 3 children whatsoever. I have no idea how I'll manage looking after them alone after a c section, it was hard last time with my first DC but his dad was actually very supportive after the birth and was brilliant when he was a baby and obviously my mum was around. Now I have nobody and no form of practical support whatsoever. I don't even know who will have my DC whilst I go into hospital to have the twins. It's all such a mess that could've been avoided but we are here now and it's too late.

I live in a council house, only my name on the tenancy as I lived here before I met my partner and I've never put him on it (I was going to do that after we got married but obviously that won't be happening now so that's a good thing). He moved in with me so my housing situation is secure at least.

being a solo parent will be better than being the wife of an absuive man.

I can attest to that.

Feel sorry for your older child having to go through that shit.

OP, you can do it, create a wonderful life for you and your 3 kids. It won't be easy but it will be worth it in the long run.

I honestly think he is having some sort of breakdown. He was kind and loving and really excited at the start - got all sorts for the babies, worked extra to get money in to do so etc. Like I say I've told his mum and she's said she's so ashamed of him and doesn't know what his problem is but has said that she will always support us and I won't be left completely alone to raise 3 children but I know it's easier said than done when she works full time and has other commitments in her life. I also don't know how likely she would be to allow him contact with them etc as at the end of the day she is his mum not mine so I've got to take it all with a pinch of salt really.

He said he hopes you and his babies die and you leave your 3 year old an orphan? You cannot seriously let this man be anywhere near you or your children. Ever.

I’m so sorry OP this sounds shit.

The level of abuse you are getting from him means he has to move out immediately. Wishing you and his unborn DC dead is very scary and I think you need to tell someone official. Your midwife maybe straight away?

Obviously you do not get married next week. There is no way you should be legally tied to this man in any way or him having rights to live in your home. So cancel that. He might calm down a bit with that cancelled because he is clearly not wanting to get married and maybe some of this appalling behaviour is him trying to get you to call that off.

Reach out to absolutely anyone who is supportive at all to tell them your situation so that you can start planning on how you will cope during delivery and post op. It sounds like his parents might be ok and maybe they will look after DC for you.

How useless is your dad? Could he look after DC while you are having the twins? Could your sibling? Could they do it together at your house?

Sometimes when you start to reach out you will be surprised who is there for you. Take each thing you need to organise one step at a time.

At the moment you’re understandably panicking and trying to solve everything at once.

Tomorrow cancel all the wedding stuff and that’s one thing off the list. Speak to your midwife also. That’s two.
Then think about who to reach out to and how.

💐

Reach out to Homestart if you have one in your local area
I’m so sorry this is happening to you xx

Please speak to your midwife as soon as possible tomorrow and explain the situation. Ask her advice on the scan and also tell her how worried you are about how you will cope on your own with 3 children after a C-section.
And please cancel the wedding tomorrow and tell this awful man to leave your house. There is absolutely no excuse for his appalling behaviour. If he cared for you, he could not possibly treat you like this.
It will be hard but you and your DC and your twins will be much happier without this awful man in your life. Very best wishes for the future.

I know you are all right. I am devastated. I don't know what to do. I feel such an idiot. I know I could ring my sibling and talk to them but I don't even know what to say without looking stupid. My dad is very useless - he's 82 and has a number of health conditions and also just isn't a loving or caring person whatsoever - if I visit with DC he spends the whole time complaining, telling them to shut up and asking when we are leaving so there's no chance he could look after them for a couple of hours for the scan/appointment let alone whilst I went into hospital(!)
There's a possibility sibling and their partner may help if I asked but I know they wouldn't be happy to take the time off work etc and my sibling works away so if anything happened in the meantime they wouldn't be able to get here in an emergency etc so I'd still be a bit stuck.

I just feel so lost. I can't understand why he's done this. Why drag it out for months on end to treat me horrendously and then leave. He came back earlier on and was apologetic, saying he still wanted to get married and he did love me and was struggling etc, tried to put his arm around me and said he didn't want me to be in this state (I was crying when he turned back up and I answered the door because I'd been so overwhelmed with everything and thinking about my mum) then once I'd made some tea and he had eaten he just went back to being cold and uncaring and saying nothing. We got in bed and I said "so you have nothing to say to me?" And he just went "nope." So I said well it's probably best you leave then, and so he has (again).

I just feel so alone like I don't have anyone in the world

This sounds like such a difficult situation for you OP and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it. You need to stop letting this vile, abusive man back into your home, change the locks ASAP. He can't even be civil to you following a big so called apology and his behaviour is totally unacceptable. You've let him back in and he's been awful to you pretty much straight away. You need to make a clean break for the sake of all your children and yourself. I know it's easier said than done but you sound utterly miserable and he will only continue to upset you as his recent behaviour has shown which is the last thing you will need once your new arrivals come along.
As other posters have said, people are often willing to help if you just ask so it's worth reaching out to your siblings and other family members, their response may surprise you.
I really hope you manage to leave and that you get the support you need and deserve to help with your little ones. Good luck.

OP - this sounds like such an awful time for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

wedding - cancel. It will be a some money lost but worth it in the long run.

scan - phone the midwife/hospital tomorrow and explain. They might be able to accommodate in these circumstances.

birth - can you start looking at babysitters (I mean properly qualified ones) in your area? I’ve used an agency in the past, that way they’ve had a roster on standby. If there’s no one to look after your DC whilst you have scans, there is likely to be someone available. If there is someone that your DC gets on with, they may be able to come over when you’re going in for your c-section. I know money isn’t ideal, but having someone like that might be really helpful after the birth.

I’d also speak to your midwife asap. They may be able to arrange some home visits/additional support.