How to navigate this

[Mum23boys1987]

Hi all I will try to make this clear but short as possible.
I am a 37 y.o wfhm to 3 wonderful boys have been in a happy marriage for 18 years. I have always wanted 4 children husband always agreed when we had a larger property just over 1 5yrs ago we moved to a much larger property and I approached the subject he said he doesn't feel like he wants more now but as I have always had my heart set on it he was ok going ahead to ttc as a child was a blessing never a burden etc. So we started trying but within that year we have had a few heated rows mostly due to me having a hard time as 3 years ago my mum battled cancer and last year my dad did but at the time it was hard and i suffered with anxiety and didn't feel like he understood we both said some hurtful things and slightly resented eachother it was a fight to be right kind of situation. Then in August I discovered I was pregnant we decided it was meant to be a blessing in disguise to bring us back to who we really were excited and looking forward to a new arrival for a moment life felt so perfect then at my 10 week scan I was told baby had stopped growing at 8 and was experiencing a mmc and had a d&c next day.This broke both our hearts but I decided as sad as I felt the hope of the future would keep me strong it has always been a dream to mother another child what could change hubby had agreed and got me pregnant. Then suddenly he now has said we should end our dream to become parents again for me it changes the whole dynamics and reality of my marriage and I'm really struggling to cope or accept this I feel like I will always resent him and unfortunately I do as I just don't want to put the effort in anymore he has broken my heart when something I wanted so badly has been cruelly taken. I can't help but feel we have run our course after the rows and we cant move on from them like we are stuck there now with the hurtful things that were said I honestly don't know how to navigate my thoughts and feelings on this I also cannot forgive him now deciding to take away from me my dream to complete our family

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing. It's a bit hard to follow tbh. But it's clear you feel this is a deal breaker. If that's the case then do you want to be a single mum and seek out a new partner to hopefully have another? If so then you should leave.

So so sorry for what you have been through, both with your parents illnesses and with your recent pregnancy. I can only imagine the emotional turmoil you have been through, and it is no surprise to hear that there has been a lot of stress and arguments as a result around this.
However I hope you don't mind me saying somethings that you may find difficult, but I think need to be said about your situation.

1. id the relationship is difficult right now, another child will not fix that, if anything makes it worse. You know after 3 children how hard it can be.
2. you have 3 children, i understand how you may feel you want more. But stop and ask yourself honestly why? What would that bring to your family that you don't already have? Or is this about you? And what you need? Because you shouldn't be having children because it is what you need. I think before you give up on your marriage, you need to ask yourself some deep hard questions about why you are so discontent with your life.

I’m sorry you lost your mum (and dad, or have I misunderstood?), it is very hard when a beloved parent dies. And then to also lose your much-wanted baby is an awful lot to deal with.

It sounds like your dh was heartbroken too.

It must have been hard for him to see you suffering, and I can understand why he’d be worried about having another baby if you have been struggling with anxiety and fighting a lot. It doesn’t seem like a nice stable environment to bring a new baby into.

what does “run its course” mean to you? Do you still love your dh? Does he love you?

If you and dh kept trying for a baby but were unable to have more kids, what do you expect your feelings would be?

I am a pragmatic person and I would say you need to get yourself some counselling and find some perspective. If you split up, at the age of 37, you have to face up to the reality that you may not find a new partner in time to have a fourth child. Also you’d probably lose contact with your 3 boys for up to 50% of the time. You’d have to leave your big house, most likely.

is separation really what you want after 18 years of marriage?

Think long and hard before you make those threats, just in case you change your mind but dh is inclined to agree.

Split a marriage and upset 3 DC's, just because you want a 4th? You have an unhealthy obsession with having 4 DC's and for that, you should have counselling.
To the outside world, you appear highly unreasonable and are being unnecessarily inflexible. Your DH is being sensible, the arguments pre-date your last pregnancy and a baby does not fix a troubled relationship, far from it.
Life is about compromise, would you prefer to be a single parent to 4 DC's or have a family together with 3?
Do you link having babies to security? Think your DH is less likely to leave you with a baby maybe? Worried about your DC's growing up and becoming more independent, leading your DH to not want you anymore? Does this stem from insecurity?
Right now, you are making it your way or the high way and 4 other people have to be on the receiving end of you not achieving your desire. That's actually quite selfish of you. Your obsession with this goal, sounds like you have something going on with your MH, compounded by grieving.

Only you can decide the answer but some wider thought around this would probably be a good place to start. For example: Do you love your husband? Is he a good man and father? If the desire for another baby wasn’t there, would you be considering leaving him? Depending on these answers, I’d ask myself if disrupting the lives of my existing children and probably not having another child anyway, unless I met someone else quickly, was worth it.

In your shoes I would reframe my thinking about your husband's decision. The miscarriage was absolutely a difficult fluke that took away something you wanted in a way very difficult to cope with, and it's clear you are grieving this loss, as well as struggling with your parents' recent illnesses. But your husband has a right to change his mind about another child. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents. He no longer wants another. I get that this is difficult for you to accept, but I think you need to find a way of dealing with your feelings, unless you feel strongly enough about wanting another child to end your marriage, disrupt the lives of your three existing children, and hope you find another relationship in which the other person also wants a child.

Thanks everyone for you're perspectives I do realise how this may come across but I have tried to fit a long story into a very short post. I sometimes feel like this is dh way of punishing me for the fact I lost it a little during the cancer journey and this brews anger having another child is not an obsession it feels more of a natural process as this isn't a recent thing its been a lifelong heartfelt want which up untill recently was a joint decision. I don't believe it's insecurity as dh gives me no reason to feel that way he's been a very loving husband father and we have always been great untill I had a blip during my parents battle we since felt like we recovered and the baby brought us such happiness for us to take 10 steps backwards since the loss he keeps bringing up the rows and throwing it in my face and uses it against me in general which really hurts me

And also my perspec on the sudden change of heart is. Through those harder times and rows etc he should have said look we aren't good right now let's use protection for a while butbh3 didn't we recovered from the rows and continued our journey to baby 4