Mum left abusive ex into my house while I was away

[Jubelle]

I've had a tough five and a half years dealing with my ex husband who was very abusive towards me and have eventually managed to get to a good place in life where he has backed off a little.

For years I had to go through the court system and get retraining orders etc and he been charged with breaching the orders a number of times. Last weekend I had my 40th birthday and went to Portugal for the weekend with some friends. We had a nice time and were due to fly home on Sunday however after 10 hours at the airport our flight was cancelled due to the storm and the only option was to wait for the next flight 36 hours later.

I was upset as my kids are 11 & 9 and I needed to get back to them. The only option I had was to ring my parents and ask them to mind them. I knew my mother would not be happy as she does not like to be asked to help and it's very rare that I ask but I no other options.

My older son was upset the next day about me not being home and was crying alot, he rang his Dad and said he was upset. His dad rang my mother and said he would come down. My mother agreed to this and gave him the key to my house. I was not informed of any of this and would have had no idea only for my son texting me that he was there. I'm beyond fuming that after all the years of abuse and my ex constantly taking me to court trying to move back in with us and refusing to accept the marriage is over that my mother would think this was acceptable. Tbh I never want to speak to her again

I would be very angry . Why would she give him a key ? Couldn't she comfort her grandson. He could have just spoke to his dad on the phone.
He is 11 not 5. Some comforting and distraction/entertainment could have worked and he cope till you got home .

Yes, 'd be livid. I could accept that she facilitated contact between your child and his dad (assuming the child does routinely have contact) but to let him into your house is not on. x1000 to give him a KEY.

YANBU to be livid and if she doesn't apologise, and mean it, YANBU to limit contact with her.

Does she think you always just made a bit of a fussy about her ex?

I knew my mother would not be happy as she does not like to be asked to help

Do you think letting your ex into your house could be your punishment for having some time to yourself and asking for help?

What's your relationship like with her generally?

This. This is exactly what she’s done. What a horrible person. I can see that you’ve prob ended up with an abusive ex because you’ve been raised by an abusive parent, your mother.

Cut her out. You don’t need people like this in your life no matter who they are. She has endangered you. He could’ve gotten the key cut and now have a copy to enter your home whenever he wishes. If I was you, I would be having the locks changed immediately. If your ex is still under a restraining order, I would be looking into reporting him entering your home as well.

You'll need to change your locks. I'm so sorry. (This is the kind of thing my parents would have done.)

Thanks for replies, yes I will be changing the locks. Our relationship is very distant, she was very abusive to me in childhood. Id imagine her thoughts were ' look at her off enjoying herself and I'm stuck here listening to this'. It's very upsetting really

Then you must feel no guilt for being angry at her breach of trust @Jubelle and for reducing contact even more and concentrating on yourself and your children

Who was looking after the kids op?
Were they with him anyway

With an abusive parent, it's no wonder you ended up with an abusive partner.
FWIW I think having a hidden key safe somewhere outside the property is better than leaving a key with anyone as you can always change the code.

Given the circumstances, that is an invasion.

Change the locks for a start.

Lessen contact with your mother - not simply over this, but because she was also abusive during your childhood - don't make a drama of it, don't inform her. Just quietly decrease contact.

No point in arguing over the fact that she gave your ex a key. She'll say she was acting in the kids' best interests or whatever. I'd keep silent over that and not engage with her.

Kids were with my ex until Sunday evening, my dad collected them from him as he lives at a distance and I was due home a couple of hours later as we thought flight was still going to go at that stage. Kids rang him the next day from my mother phone as they done have phones

OP, change your locks in case he got a copy cut.

When you got back, was he still at the house?

I think keeping low or no contact with your mum is sensible for you after this. She obviously couldn’t be bothered to look after your DC properly. I would be wondering what made your 11 year old so upset. Don’t they like her?

Going forward I think you should put some effort into building up a support network amongst you and other parents so that if anything vaguely similar happens again you have someone more reliable to call on to look after DC.

As well as changing the lock on the door he had a key to, also change any other locks on downstairs doors especially if you keep several spare keys around that he could have helped himself to. My friends ex broke in as he had managed to take a spare key to the back patio doors from a drawer and she hadn’t noticed it missing.

Well done for building a new life for you and DC away from this controlling man

💐

Catoo, thank you. I think you are right I need more support networks, I do have some other family members who would help but unusually they were all away at the time. Part of me thinks this was meant to happen to push me into going minimal contact. I've sorted out the keys situation