Drunken kiss but it's the lie...

[Onetruth]

Husband of 8 years had a drunken kiss in the first year of marriage on a stag do abroad, and I was pregnant at the time. He's only just told me now!
Been together 18 years altogether.

Why now? Says he thought I knew when I made a comment about a song alluding to cheating. Says he didn't want to lie to my face (he must have done at some point because I will have 100% asked the question when he returned from the stag do...

We now have two children. I feel angry that he's confessed now but sound hypocritical because I've always said " never lie to eachother, honesty is best"... But why am I so mad he's brought this up now?!
I was content, happily with our little family.

He swears nothing else to tell me. He's shown raw emotion when discussing it - but I feel so confused.

I'm sorry OP but if he is admitting to a kiss then it is very probable it was much more than that: he will be admitting to the bare minimum.
And he has lied to you all these years.
I would wonder what else he has hidden from me. Has he been on other stag dos, ?
I'm afraid the trust would be gone.

Married and with a pregnant wife, lied (by omission at least) about it for 8 years. having already been together 10. It's just a bit miserable isn't it? To not know where you are in your relationship anymore, whether you can trust that he's told the whole story, whether you can trust him when he goes out now. I don't know what the answer is OP, I'm sorry you've had your life turned upside down like this.

This. You've summed it up how I couldn't. My head is struggling with it. Thank you for your response

Baffled as to why he’d confess this years later! If you promised each other honesty from the start he clearly hasn’t stuck to this has he.

I Would be really upset and disappointed but would I end the marriage over it? No.

I think you need to take his word for it that a kiss was all it was and he maybe thought you was outting him re the song and guilt got the better of him.

This really does not sound worth blowing your family up over. It was 8 years ago and you have children now. I'm not trying to minimise your distress, because that is understandable. But I would pay more attention to who he is now, not a drunken mistake years ago. You have a choice here, to torture yourself and build anger, or to harness your feelings to build a better future for your family.

You cannot assume that he did more than this. I don't think that speculation is going to help you in this situation. People grow and change, and when we become parents, that's the most significant change of our lives. How is he as a husband and father now? If good, please don't throw that away. An intact family with two people who are prepared to work at it, to listen to each other, is a precious, precious thing. While I'm happily divorced because one person can't single-handedly make a marriage work, I mourn the future that we might have had. Please don't let pride drive your decisions here.

He told you about it. He didn't actually lie, he just didn't tell.
If this is the whole story - that there's not more going on between you - then really I don't think you've got much to worry about.
I know you're feeling some shock, but it would be a shame to over-react and throw throw out the baby with some very old bathwater

Has he actually told you the circumstances of the kiss? Was it a sex workers? Was it some one in a pub?
He didn't just go up to some random woman in the street and kiss her.
Something led up to the kiss. Something happened after it.
If he is now telling you he kissed someone then I assume he has told you exactly what happened so you can judge how " acceptable " his behaviour was?
If he lied about it all these years it must have been something he really felt he needed to lie about.

I'd be unsure if I could trust him.

Like a previous poster said, I'd want to know what was in his head when he kissed someone else.

What else happened. How often. Why. Why hide it if it was so innocent. Was it a prostitute? Drunk woman at bar? In a flat so there could be more involved? What all happened?

What circs could lead to it again? Has he been on other Stags and managed not to kiss anyone?

Were you not having sex round about then because you were pregnant and that's what caused it, him thinking about his poor wee unshagged sausage and being unable to control it?

And if so, will that happen again if you aren't well or pregnant again and don't want to have sex for a while?

He cheated. The price he pays is full revelation of all details. It doesn't matter if it was half a century ago. That's the price you pay. So spill the beans boy and I don't care if it makes you uncomfy, this is 'recent' news to me and I need to know because it's important and pertinent.

That’s a lie by omission and it’s still wrong.

Absolutely agree 100%

It doesn't sound like you've ever trusted him.

Would you really always ask if he'd been unfaithful when away on a stag do?

Yes... We have always had what I thought was an honest relationship.
It would have been "did everyone behave themselves" (I know of other people who think this sort of thing is ok) and then "and did you?".
As simple as that every time.

I think only you can know the answer to this. Presumably this is a random girl that he met and not someone you both know? My exhusband was in love with another woman and wasn't remotely ashamed of it, nothing happened but it was a horrible time and I had to divorce him in the end.

In your case I do think divorce would be a big step, it would be18yrs of starting again, it's also a long and painful process that includes dividing up parts of your life. I wouldn't tell you not to do it but advise you to sit on it for a bit, perhapes look at what the potential outcome would be against what you might lose. Obviously if you can't forgive him ever again then its the right thing to do.

I would want to know all the details and also access to his phone. It's a bit strange that he wants to bring this up now. Is it to make himself feel better about something that's happened or going to happen now?

Dont do this to yourself. People advise based on their own life experiences. This is yours. Talk to him, get counseling or whatever, but dont ask to strangers to give advice on a marriage they dont know.

Decide what you want. He said a kiss so accept that. Do you want to split up? If not you have to work at keeping things together. Every couple regardless will have secrets from each other. If anyone says different ...they are lying. Get over this it hasn't made any difference up until now. Put it in a bubble and blow it away.

If you are going to have issues with trust going forward, then walk away now, instead of doing it in a few years time.
If you can get past this, and properly, then move forward with him.

It's annoying because he sort of took away your chance to act on the information, or at least has made it a lot harder. If you'd had the information at the time, you might have insisted on counselling, or broken up, or not have a 2nd child... whereas now, you still have to deal with the emotional turmoil, but have less power / control in the aftermath. I agree that hearing about it now, does nothing but make him feel less guilty, but is of no help to you.

That said, I personally don't think I'd break up over it, if you feel sure it was a one off, and that he's been faithful since.

Would you really have asked him if he'd behaved himself? I can't imagine asking my OH that, I would just assume he had! I don't know why he's decided to fess up now, I don't think it's worth throwing away an 18 year relationship for but I'm thinking he's going to have to work hard at earning your trust again 🙁

Shes said several times that yes she would have asked him. Stop trying to make this a her issue.

I would ask my DH the same..it's just a natural here and not accusing him of doing anything just a casual all on best behaviour?

I find the amount of people on Mumsnet who are so quick to throw a marriage away alarming! He made a mistake, has apologised and by the sounds of it been an honourable husband since. Explain to him.how important trust is to you and then move on or you're at risk of pushing him away

Go to therapy straight away. Dont let these thoughts build up in your head and manifest into something overwhelming which is what will happen if you dont seek professional help targeted towards your personal thought process. You will battle between minimising the situation in your mind aswell as blowing it up. It becomes a conflict of interests thats too much for the mind to comprehend effectivly alone. Which will then produce triggers that become inescapable. Loving someone is painful for this exact scenario. No matter what you choose to do you must see his actions as a him problem that has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you. He clearly had a childish mentality at the time which isnt giving high value husband energy. Men take a very long time to mature and some never do. Keep your head high know your worth and never let your crowm slip you got this girl no matter what you choose

Ah op, I'm sorry, this is really sad I don't know how I'd feel, but I think the image in my head would haunt me.

However, I did find it odd that you stated you'd have asked the question when he got back from the stag? I can honestly say I've never asked my husband whether he's kissed/done anything with another woman when he's been away - it's just a given that he hasn't and it wouldnt be a 'thing' I'd think to ask - do you not fully trust him? If not, this is validating your feelings as being correct.

I'd tend to think that something more has happened if I'm being totally honest... sorry 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️