I would like to hear from anyone who has been through this and could offer any words of wisdom. I am separated from H the past 6 months. We've met a couple times and both cried, we both miss our life and all that was good about it, and dc misses him, but i have a gut feeling that we can't ever make it work. I don't love him the way I should. He is very moody, has had epic sulks since we first met 8 years ago, I married him in good faith as he promised to grow up but we have been married 5 years and separated 3 times since then, this is just the longest. We clash over how to raise dc. He is a stressy person and a compulsive gamer. I am no angel; i can be hard to live with and i also had a short affair a few years ago which i confessed to and we had counselling over but he has never forgiven me and uses it to blame me for all thats wrong with us. Before the split we had not had sex or any kind of physical interaction for over a year and i didn't want to, and i don't think I ever will again. Yes, i miss our family life and dc is very sad, but despite soul searching and crying, I know it has to be fully over. I am living in my own place and dc is doing ok, doesn't love her new school and misses her old friends (we had to move away near my family) but she is going to be alright I think. I even have had thoughts of dating again in future and maybe even having another dc which, with my H, I couldnt bear the thought of, so i know it is the right track as i never wanted dc to be an only, and i still have time (early 30s).
The problem is i am so afraid of pulling the plug and filing for divorce. Can anyone relate/offer support? My parents divorced acrimoniously and the whole situation ruined my childhood. I have autism/adhd and anxiety and panic disorder and for some reason the idea of the finality of divorce terrifies me. I know it is just a simple online form but I am so scared. I think i am also afraid of how H will react when i definitively say it is over. Right now he is being kind as he thinks we may get back together but he can flip in an instant to nasty. Case in point last time we discussed reconcilation he said 'come back on monday or i am speaking to a lawyer on tuesday' and accused me of destroying dc's home and how selfish i am. When I said i would come back, he reverted to nice. and Ugh, i know how weak i sound. But he knows threatening me with lawyers/financial stuff scares me. He is a high earner and i am not, so he will have a much better lawyer than me I am sure, and he lives in another country and if he tries to file for divorce there i will potentially get a worse settlement, so I HAVE to do this asap, but it triggers me so much. I can't stand the thought of anyone being angry with me, especially him; i think it is mainly financial, but also what he might do/say to hurt me, or dc. Emotionally i mean- im not scared of him physically.
Anyone, i would really appreciate a pep talk. Thank you.