Toxic SIL

[KK0602]

Hi ladies
just need to off load!
Please no negative towards my partner, as he’s amazing 🙏🏼
Its just this one topic at the moment that does get in between us and I’m so sensitive to just let it ‘go’
ive been with him for 10 years. Expecting our first baby together yay! We have a good relationship always been strong never broken up etc.
His sister has always been TOXIC. Not only to me but to everyone even her own family, especially her siblings partners. Her sister has only recently started to speak to her again, and her brother & his partner don’t speak to her for a while now. Shows how toxic she is right!
Anyway I haven’t spoken to her since the beginning of the year, and my partner has been cold with her since then also, because she said some rude stuff about me to my partner. My partner didn’t address it to her properly as at the time they both was in an argument with eachother, he told me (he’s very open with me and tells me everything) I was upset he didn’t address it to her but I just left it and completely blocked her. We had a baby shower, I messaged her for the first time just to make sure she is coming with her children, I done this for the family & childrens sake as I am expecting I thought we could just be ‘civil’ for them. She didn’t say hello to me, she didn’t congratulate me just completely blanked me the whole day! But she congratulated my partner infront of my face & completely ignored me. I was upset of course my partner just reassured me to ignore her & this is how she’s treating everyone around her!
So since then her and my partner are back on a talking level and she keeps calling him about the new baby coming along. This is really getting under my skin and just ANNOYS me that she can completely blank me and speak to my partner like nothing is going on?! Asking what we need for the baby etc. does she expect to ignore me and then come to visit once baby is here?!
I have told him that he needs to say something to her and it’ll be nice for him to stick up for me. Which he does understand, but if he does do that then she will cause hell for him basically, she will make him feel like shit everytime they are around either with sarcastic comments. That’s how childish she is. He doesn’t like arguments and is a very chill guy that gets a long with everyone so in somewhat sense I feel sorry for him that she acts this way. But I can’t get over the fact I just have to ignore her and he doesn’t say anything to her to back me up. ARGH!
What is everyone’s opinions? We’ve just moved home and baby on the way so we’re in a very happy place just this one topic feels like it can get between us. He tells me we don’t need to stress about her let’s just ignore it.

As you say she is pretty toxic. It would have been nice if she had congratulated you at your baby shower but it seems, that on past form, it was unlikely that she would.

I would just keep engagement fairly low. I would not necessarily encourage your partner to tell her to congratulate you because I don’t think that will bring you any further forward. It would likely be a prompt for more drama.

Don’t expect her to change, she probably won’t. Accommodate her in your life in a way that you can manage (that might be just seeing her a couple of times a year at big get togethers).

But yeah, it’s a shame you have to deal with it.

Take no notice of her. Be civil and just let her be whatever she wants to be. You don’t really need to give her any power. But i know how very hard this is.

Thank you ladies. I’m completely fine with ignoring her. I think it’s getting under my skin that my partner doesn’t say anything to her, in my family this stuff would never happen so maybe I am comparing. But I completely understand why he doesn’t say anything to her, because it’ll cause so much drama for him now and in the future. Argh I need to get over it!
She speaks to my mum so nice and normal, then me completely different. My mum then feels awkward to speak to her as she knows how she treats me. But wouldn’t want my mum involved in her toxic ways, so I just tell my mum it’s fine.

In my opinion, if you have her contact details, you can phone her (not text) and say that you've noticed how she is ignoring you and only speaking with her brother asking her brother questions relating to you, your body, your baby and you're no longer going to put up with her being so rude to you.

You've also mentioned that she is toxic so losing contact with her really shouldn't be any skin off your nose so you can lay it on the line and stand up to her as an outsider to the family and say how rude she is and how you will not be speaking to her again if she maintains this stance and behaviour. Have any of the family members ever given her a shake and told her to knock it off?

You don't reward rudeness and as you'll have a baby soon, you want to set a positive example and part of this is not putting up with rude people (and toxic ones but I would emphasise the rudeness) so she had better shape up or ship out!

@LookItsMeAgain Thank you. If I did do this (the phone call) for sure it’ll just end up in a screaming fight as she never does anything wrong in her eyes. But I am on that last straw now that I will say something to her. Cos I don’t know what she expects once the baby is here! With coming to meet him etc. because certainly my partner won’t feel comfortable leaving the house alone with a newborn for a while. And her family members know exactly what she is like but everyone just shrugs it off as she’s always been like this and no one ever wins with her. They all know if they say something to her that she doesn’t like, they will then get spoke to completely rudely. It’s like a no win situation.

Not sure how helpful I'll be, as I'm in a similar position to you OP (but can offer empathy at least!) My SiL also has form for talking horribly to people if she feels at all slighted or attacked. Last year was the first time I've been in the firing line and it was horrible. Like you, the narrative is "oh that's just how SiL is, we all just need to get along". I find it galling that everyone walks around her on eggshells and there's just an acceptance that she can be really nasty and it's on others to ignore or accept being spoken to like that. Like you, any attempts to talk to SiL about her views or behaviour just results in another verbal attack.

DH has re-established his relationship with her but struggles to accept that I can never view her the same way again. I can be civil to her, but I don't want anything beyond that.

I wonder if you feel able to think about what your own boundaries are, e.g. What relationship do you want with SiL? Can it be separate to your DH and potentially child's relationship? As others say, sadly I wouldn't expect her to meaningfully apologise or change, it sounds like this is a pattern that's served her well for a long time. Sending empathetic unmumsnetty hugs OP, it's a rubbish situation that you don't deserve to be in x

@mummabubs Hey! Oh god! So sorry you also have to go through this.
I don’t want a relationship with her tbh, I can be civil for all childrens sake and family time. But too much has happened now for me to speak to her like normal . I’m a very sensitive person, who is struggling to get over the fact my partner just carries on normal with her even though she’s treated me so badly, and infront of his face. I know I have to get over this, as I don’t want it to cause an arguments with my partner. Cos I know if he does say something to her it’ll cause more drama. Again, if she treats me so badly how can I trust her around my child? Or maybe I’m over thinking argh!!!

I really do feel you. I'm trying to accept that this situation will always create tension between me and DH. I completely understand she's his sister and want him to have a relationship with her if that's what he wants, but I also wish that he could understand that the things she said to me were so personal and so hurtful that it shouldn't be something I have to forgive and forget.

I'm also like you in that this doesn't happen in my family - we're not perfect (who is!?) but we'd never speak to each other like SiL does and if we have disagreements we can discuss them openly and calmly without worrying about other people throwing flame lit daggers at you.

you don't have to forgive or forget. you can choose how you want to deal with the situation.

but if that's the case, you also need to let your DP choose how he wants to as well.

as long as what he wants fits in with what you want (ie, that he's happy to maintain communication with her without you involved), then it's fair to leave him to it.

if she wants to see the baby, DP can meet her somewhere else to do it (once you're in a position you're both comfortable with him taking the baby on his own).

if he starts to put pressure on you to do more than you're prepared, then you are well within your rights to assert your boundaries.

@KK0602 - you wrote "They all know if they say something to her that she doesn’t like, they will then get spoke to completely rudely. It’s like a no win situation."
I think it will only take one person (or you and your DH) to start this and before you know it, everyone will row in behind you and follow your lead where Toxic Sister is concerned.

Just stop pandering to her rude and toxic behaviour. If she is rude to you, stop talking to her. Don't involve her in anything. Don't reward her toxic behaviour by including her.
If she stops talking with you because you call her out on her shit, then that's a win in my book. She'll soon find that she has NO ONE to talk with if she keeps carrying on. It's only when she has no one to bounce off of, that she will realise that something has to change and that will have to be her realisation moment!

Why are you tolerating her blanking you in your own home??

Seriously, once you have a baby you stop being just a couple. You become a unit where decisions are made jointly, where respect is shown to each other and you have each others backs when it comes to parenting.

This is only the beginning of her shit. Shes going to be in his ear criticising your choice of feeding, weaning or any other choice you choose for yoyr baby and he will trot back to you with "Janet thinks this or that" and it will drive you demented at a crucial time when your mental health needs to be protected. He needs to SERIOUSLY step up here.

New ground rules. She doesnt get in the door unless she is prepared to be civil and polite to you. She doesn't get access to your baby unless the same rules apply.
Your OH is free to have any sort of relationship with her but you are his family and if one of you are unwelcome none of you go. Trust me, my DM was like this to my SIL for years to the point it destroyed her post partum health. It only stopped when my DB made it clear if his wife wasn't welcome, he would be keeping his distance as well. He should have done it years ago but better late than never. Everyone gets along now.

Please do yourself a huge favour and don't allow her to taint your life. My DS had this with her SIL and it never changed. In fact, both her siblings are now NC, but she still cannot comprehend why.

She is married with grown up children, one of whom she smothered, and recently moved to be right beside him. Her poor DIL has to deal with her toxicity now.

Put her in her place and don't take any crap.

Definitely this is in your power to handle.

Stop engaging. Stop responding. Do not allow her in your home. Be unavailable. Take yourself out of it. Leave your partner to speak to his sister but inform your partner you don't want to know. Do not facilitate, do not enquire. Don't feed to beast. She doesn't exist. Your life will be brilliant for it.

@Cm19841 love this comment. Thank you! I find it very easy to block her from my life. Just don’t find it easy whenever my partner speaks to her. Gets right under my skin!

Your partner knows her better than you. Maybe you ignoring her back and no pandering to get is the one way thing he knows will really get under her skin and bother her.
I have a family member like this and when they're being toxic to someone the best thing that person can do is ignore them because it bothers them and pisses them off so much, and they soon stop.