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Original poster

Would you be upset if your man left you for being infertile?

19 replies

SharpMember · 21/10/2024 19:34

I (26) have never dated, haven't kissed at all, never had sex, until this woman (38). I got rejected like 20 times a year (she doesn’t know this though lol). I told her about my inexperience and she wasn't bothered and thought it was kind of sweet, but did tell me this would be different for her as well, since she's usually the less experienced one when she has had sex.

Her and I had been on a few dates and had made out, but finally started hooking up on the 4th date. I was having performance anxiety a few times but she was understanding. She was ok with it. Then we found our rhythm and it has been amazing. I care about her so much and really wanted her to be my gf soon, it felt like it was going that way. I felt like this was it. I decided to start dating her.

Fast forward to now, we aren’t married but I did bring up the notion of having kids. She said she can’t get pregnant at her age, she apparently tried 2 years ago with her ex (who she left after he got into drugs fwiw).

However, she offered to adopt. I won’t lie that this puts a damper on things because I really want kids that are biologically mine. I have for some time.

The woman I’m with can tell I am off and I can tell she's a little nervous about it. This is killing me because she's amazing but now I'm wondering if I should explore for someone who IS fertile? I don't think she's the type that would give a second chance. I'm so torn. I think I can fall in love with this woman, she seems like the girl of my dreams, but now I'm questioning it . And now I picture HER breaking it off with ME and that would destroy me. I wanted to ask her to be my wife and now I don't know.

TLDR; gf is infertile and I’m thinking of looking for someone who isn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

SharpMember · 21/10/2024 19:35

I just want to know if this is wrong?

OP posts:

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 21/10/2024 19:36

Did you need to include the part about you ejaculating?

Original poster

SharpMember · 21/10/2024 19:37

Sorry, you’re right. Is there a way to edit?

edit: removed bad part

OP posts:

hattie43 · 21/10/2024 19:39

This is a weird thread .
FWIW she is 12 yrs older than you and at 26 you want kids . Not Having children if you want them is too big a compromise for this relationship to last the course

heldinadream · 21/10/2024 19:40

She's 12 years older than you and this is your first relationship. It's fine to end it. You have a lot of living to do and plenty of time to find someone closer to your own age.
I kinda doubt that she'll be surprised really.

Excited101 · 21/10/2024 19:40

Unless she knows that she is infertile, there’s no reason they couldn’t have children at 38- conception issues with her ex could have been down to any number of other things! But she may not want kids or to try, and that’s ok too.

You've got many years ahead of you that you could have children in but I’d decide now if it’s a dealbreaker for you or not and proceed from there.

FWIW- ‘be willing to’ is never ever a reason to adopt a child. I cannot stress that enough.

Mickey79 · 21/10/2024 19:44

It is absolutely okay to end a relationship for any reason you choose.

5128gap · 21/10/2024 19:46

She isn't 'the girl of your dreams' she's a 38 year old grown woman who you might be swept away by as your first love, and get on great with and be exploring sex with, but who is at a completely different life stage with entirely different future plans. You want a traditional life with children? You're going to need a traditional relationship without the big age gap, with a young woman who also wants children. There's no harm at all in enjoying this relationship, but I think you need to see it as 'for now' rather than 'forever' and make sure she knows that too.

ByMerryKoala · 21/10/2024 19:48

Well, as the pp said, she may be fertile - it doesn't sound like there was medical investigation. But it may well change her view of the relationship if you are willing to jump ship if it doesn't involve a future with your own biological children.

Saying that, I do think it's good to be upfront and honest about these things. You aren't morally obliged to continue this relationship, it's fine to acknowledge that it doesn't work for you - regardless of how lovely someone is.

hughiedoesntfight · 21/10/2024 19:48

If you want kids of your own, this isn’t the relationship for you.

She is 38. She knows that just because she didn’t get pregnant by her ex, that doesn’t mean she can’t get pregnant at all. She doesn’t want to carry a child.

She offered to adopt? Sounds like she doesn’t want kids at all. And is offering because you want them. But she doesn’t really. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. Very few adoptions are problem free. It’s a difficult process when you do desperately want it.

This won’t work out because you will resent her in a few years and leaving her, to find someone younger and fertile, after a long relationship will be more painful for her.

and if you break it off because of this and she agrees to try and get pregnant so you stay. What happens then. Option one she doesn’t get pregnant, you will resent her then leave. Option 2 is she does get pregnant with a child she doesn’t really want she will resent you.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 21/10/2024 20:17

This is killing me because she's amazing but now I'm wondering if I should explore for someone who IS fertile? I don't think she's the type that would give a second chance.

Do you mean end your relationship in order to 'explore'. The second chance bit implies you're thinking of carrying on with her while secretly looking for someone else.

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2024 20:23

This post makes no sense. Infertility is not a feeling of age and that she happened to not conceive in the past. It requires medical exams.

let’s assume there is some logic here though and it isn’t a story you told yourself. Leaving a woman for infertility means she is not your match. If you were really in love and ready for a lifetime commitment, you wouldn’t hesitate to face that issue by her side

filka · 21/10/2024 20:44

Yes, this happened to me. My GF was 17 years older than me and had "problems with her tubes". We tried IVF once but TBH it was a really sordid experience, was fantastically expensive 20 years ago didn't work anyway.

We carried on for a bit but were really in a rut. But it started to gnaw away at me that we wouldn't have children and eventually became a deal-breaker as I wasn't prepared to consider adoption.

We broke up, I married someone younger and have 3 children now. But we still keep in touch from time to time. So its as though the children issue was inevitably going to cause the break-up but we did manage to stay friends. Though my then GF has never talked to or about my wife or children.

It seems that you have much the same feelings that I did. They won't go away. So, sadly, the only solution is to part company and start again. You have plenty of time. I had my first child at 43.

TheSnugHare · 21/10/2024 20:45

I am 19. And a 26 year old dating a 38 year old is too big of a gap. And How can you make a post about wondering whether you should ask someone to be your wife and in that same post asking if you should break it off. All you are thinking about here is yourself

Okayornot · 21/10/2024 20:52

She may well not be able to get pregnant at 38.
If you want marriage, kids etc this probably isn't the relationship for you.
You are at very different points in your lives, and tbh you sound quite immature for 26. Do you know how she views the relationship?

Givemegoldensun · 21/10/2024 21:21

Very strange thread. You wanted to ask her to be your wife? Is she even a serious girlfriend? How long have you known her? Why wouldn’t she be fertile simply because she is 38? And, most importantly, are you really 26? You sound incredibly naive even for a teenager.

Givemegoldensun · 21/10/2024 21:25

Naive isn’t quite the right word. TBH this reads like AI impersonating a 30 year old incel who lives in his parents’ basement.

fruitbrewhaha · 21/10/2024 21:25

Surely this can’t be the first time you’ve wondered if she could have your children? At 38 there would have been that risk anyway.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 21/10/2024 22:29

There is no right or wrong way to feel here. For me it would be a deal breaker, I think having children was very important to me and I think i would have ended a relationship over this. At the same time if my BF left me because of my infertility I would be devastated and consider him selfish. So doing the right thing for yourself will seem wrong and there will be guilt, but not doing the right thing will end in resentment. It's a difficult situation either way.

To be honest I don't get why you think she is infertile, at 38 she would have another 5 years at least of fertility, it sounds like she isn't inclined to try.

Only you can decide this one OP but if such important life decisions don't align at the dating stage then best to move on. Generally speaking age gaps are not ideal for good reason.

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