Hi I'm afraid this may be a long one, I apologise I advance. I'm so very depressed and feel like I'm losing my mind.
I met a guy through a FB group. And over the next 9 months we messaged, video called and he'd call me every day. We started talking in July but didn't meet up till the following May. He lives in Wales and I in Leeds. Neither of us drives.We were so so close. We like the same everything. We joked we were more or less the same person. We said i love you after about 2 months of talking. It was very intense.
When we finally met it was amazing . And we met up every month for 5 months. Then I did something I will forever regret. He'd left his laptop open and when he was asleep I went through the history. I'd managed to stop myself doing this before because I know it's wrong but I have very low self esteem and have been cheated on before. He hadn't cleared it since July and I checked in the September. There was around 200 searches for porn. He was spending hours and hours watching. Some were labelled extreme. I didn't look at what it was. And he'd googled tinder. So I obviously asked what the hell was going on and he managed to make me see that he hadn't actually went on it. But he was being really funny with his phone. Before if he had a message he'd say oh its my sister etc. Now he'd go to the toilet if he had a msg come through. So I accused him of all sorts. So the next day he told me he wouldn't be back as im too suspicious and the distance is too much. And I assumed he'd change his mind once he calmed down. But it's been a nearly 5 weeks and he's adamant it's over. And I'm just so sad and depressed. When i wake up I think of him , he's the last thing I think of at night. I cry every day. I work from home and I'm just sat typing, tears running down my face.
So some details about him he's 44 and lives with his parents. He spends all day sat in his bedroom. He uses coke,I don't and It didn't bother me at all. Big drinker. Doesnt work because of depression. He's had depression for years and constantly goes on about being ill. He's in debt for thousands. He's addicted to porn. When we were having sex he'd always mention porn stars I looked like or said I did good porn face. He can't orgasm, probably for that reason. He's a big drinker and lives for going out with his younger mates. All his friends his own age are now all married with kids.
So why can't I move on? I feel like I'm obsessed with him even when I've just listed all his faults. I'm literally broken by this. We have tried remaining friends but after a few days I just beg him to give me another chance. Today he said to stop messaging him as I'm making him ill. That was after me pouring my heart out to him telling him how much I love him. Please someone help. Please be kind I'm an emotional wreck atm. But you can tell me what a fool I'm being over him by all means.