How long until I can feel better about infidelity?

[endangeredmum]

Hi all,

My childrens Father broke up with me in January after five years. He said we just 'didn't click'. This is after five years, a house, a dog and two children. He couldn't wait to tell everyone that we had broken up and my friends told me he was sort of wierdly excited about it when he would go to the pub and tell people.

I was OK with everything and accepted that we should go seperate ways. Everything was amicable and we both agreed to keep things friendly and simple; I told him that I wasn't interested in meeting anyone yet and that I just wanted to focus on my boys and he agreed to do the same.

Fast forward a few months and I discovered that he actually had met someone else prior to the breakup and less than twelve weeks after our breakup, she was pregnant with his child. His new baby in due in January.

Since the discovery, I have been distraught. It feels similar to grief. I feel incredibly naive and stupid, heartbroken, panicky, desperate and scared. I have nightmares most nights and am having trouble sleeping in general (I have never had trouble sleeping before). My appetite is non existent and I can be going about my day when suddenly I am blindsided by panic and sadness. I have my boys 100% of the time and I am trying to do my best but the injustice of the whole situation is eating me away.

This man was emotionally abusive when we were together and I can't understand why I am so upset. I suppose I trusted him to stand by his boys even though we weren't together. He even said to me he just wanted to focus on the boys for the rest of his life and that he wouldn't have anymore children. Of course, he is entitled to change his mind. But he was still having sex with me when he got this woman pregnant (there was a bit of on and off) so not only did he lie, he put my health at risk.

WHY am I so upset over this horrible man?! And WHEN will it stop hurting?!

He has never said sorry. His only comment on the situation was 'time is a great healer'.

Little note here to say.. please be kind...I am looking for a little emotional support here and sometimes I find the replies to be incredibly harsh. I am seeking relief from this horrible situation which is currently consuming all my thoughts.

You’ve experienced a betrayal trauma, it is extremely difficult as traumas go, as you are finding but you are strong you will process it.

Ultimately you will reach a point where your emotions catch up with what you understand to be true about your ex.

Keep kind people around you, be kind to yourself, you will get past this in your own timeline. Sending you big hugs.

I feel incredibly naive and stupid

No, you haven’t been naive and stupid. You trusted someone who lied to you. He isn’t good enough for you, has emotionally abused you and has shown himself to be a poor partner and father.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. x

So sorry you are going through this OP.
Absolutely horrible for you.
Give it time and no doubt his new woman will also find out what a worthless, untrustworthy, piece of work he is.
You will get through this OP.

Your ex is on a fast track for a repeat. You did a lot in only 5 years. He will do the same to this woman. If she knows about you, she's a fool, if she doesn't, she'll get a shock. Abusive men get worse after pregnancy because they get more confident that the woman won't leave so their garden won't be rosy for long.
He's done you a big favour, and although it's disgusting and sad for your DC's that he's left them behind and doesn't see them. However, not having to see him again will help you get over him quicker. It's best that your friends don't update you on his whereabouts , tell them it's not going to help you to find out things through them.

He's an utter twat. Get your child maintenance claim in for the kids, and if it's what you want, get shared care arranged. You can get parenting apps so that you don't have to have other contact with him.

A lot of men don't think with their brains I'm afraid.
Try to be strong for your boys and make sure you eat, you are no good to them if you are ill.
As far as I can see he's done you a favour the idiot.

This is very recent ... it gets better with time, bit by bit. I was better after about a year and a half, but the "symptoms" went away gradually; I'd still find myself having an imagined argument with my ex in the middle of the night years later. I know you'd rather feel better now, but you have to go through the process to get past it properly.

Speak to your GP, look into antihistamine-based sleeping aids for when you need to have a night's sleep, and high doses of valerian work if taken regularly. Can you afford therapy?

You're not naive; you're a decent person who thinks the best of others and you weren't familiar with the Script.

It probably took me seven years to be "over" my h having an affair. At the eight year point we're divorced over something else. Pretty frustrating all that's happened when I saved his life more than once. I'm hurt but fuck am I glad not to be married to him anymore.

You'll get to that point too that you're glad not to be with such an embarrassing idiot.

Oh god, another prince among men.

Something similar happened to me (but no children involved so not as extreme) with someone I’d been with for six years. I was just starting to feel ok again when about a month after we split I found out that he’d been cheating on me for a long time. I experienced exactly what you describe. It was physically painful in my chest, a constant crushing sensation and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat or sleep and kept having panic attacks. I wasn’t even sure why because he was an abusive arsehole and I was glad he was out of my life, I guess it must have been something about the betrayal.

Do you have supportive family and friends you have been able to talk to about it?

Have you been able to get angry? Like really fucking angry with this selfish gobshite? Panic can be displaced anger. Getting angry helped me a lot.

Do you work?

Is therapy an option for you?

Do you have time to take up a hobby to have a break from the rumination? Martial arts are good for that, and also good for releasing tension.

We are all on your side. You were lied to, betrayed, and you and your children were abandoned! That is a huge betrayal and you tried to handle it in a civilized fashion and he pretended to agree and then showed you contempt by going ahead and having an affair and new family.

Be gentle with yourself! It is going to take a while to get over this. It doesn’t happen overnight.

But you were not a fool and ots not your fault. You were an honest woman tied to a cheater. Cheating is what he does preferentially. You couldn’t stop it or manage it.

Why doesn't he see his sons? You need to apply for CM. Do you have a mortgage together? Is he still paying?

Sorry you're going through this. X

Pp is right you're not upset about him you're wounded by the rejection and betrayal and his sheer audacity. Try to look after yourself and your kids the best you can, meditate, rest, process etc. fake it til you make it. He has done you a favour and you will be grateful one day but it takes time. Don't expect to feel normal for at least 6 months if not more, and that's ok. Just try to rebuild your life around the trauma, talk about it with friends or a professional, one day you'll just realise she did you a massive favour! Sorry this happened to you

I think there's often a bit of "he's a monster, but he's my monster" in abusive relationships, so finding out he's unfaithful as well rips away something you thought you had.

Sorry you're going through this. You will get through it, and things will look brighter.

Thank you all so much for these responses, they are so helpful after another night of nightmares. Although Tom Hanks was in there somewhere so that was nice.

I really do appreciate your replies. I am saddened to read that it can take years to be fully over something like this. He’s currently trying to sell the house from under me and my children to buy a new place for his new thing. Horrid.

Luckily he is out of the country for 6/7 months of the year and when he’s away, my life is wonderfully peaceful x

If you mean me, don't worry. I was in shock for five of them and became ill with it so you could easily be over this a lot quicker.

OP I know you haven’t asked about this specifically and you may be clear on the financial aspect but ref your comment re the house, if you describe your circumstances then you’ll get some good advice that might lead you to feeling in control. I’m sorry you’re going through this, you sound like a fantastic mum x

As we were never married (I never trusted him enough to make that vow) I have no rights to stay in the family home. That being said, he will have to take me to court to get me to leave, which would cost him all the equity anyway.

He’s a nasty piece of work.

I’m in a similar situation a year on we never married and he just left one day after 8 years two kids for someone at work.

It is brutal I am finding I am dealing with it better but my get up and go has diminished so working on that next it truly does take the wind out of your sails.

I wish there was like support groups for this very scenario as it is the most isolating and traumatic event I’ve ever been through and think it will change me for life.

First 6 months were tough but I’m finding although it’s hard it is getting better and I can see that now. I’ve heard 3 years is the magic number to reach indifference.

Like you OP my ex wasn’t a nice person and did such horrible things I didn’t understand why I missed and craved them even. But it’s a trauma bond and if you are reliant on them in anyway that makes it worse too.

What I have found helps

• Friends strengthening current relationships and making new ones too
• Giving myself what my ex helped me with this can be becoming more financially stable if you were a stay at home parent this could be getting a car if you don’t drive. To lessen the I need you mentality.
• A one people don’t agree with but see other people when you feel ready. Even if this is purely a pen pal thing where you don’t even meet up with anyone to know that you are desirable and that there are and will be someone else.

Therapy can be good but I actually think ruminating over things keeps a lot of people stuck at the end of the day he did what he did because he isn’t a good person and nothing you could of done would have prevented it, it would of just been more new goal posts to reach to appease them.

You won’t always find the answer but best thing you can try to do is put the effort back into yourself that you once did you try keep a float in a toxic relationship. There will be areas of yourself and life you have neglected to have done so.

Inbox open if you need someone to talk or vent to I understand how hard it is.

Trauma bond is exactly right! How could I let someone do this to me? And why would I! What on Earth?! This man, who had never been to the dentist in eight years, who couldn't wash properly, who wore underpants with holes in them, who stank, who smoked, who drank, who sulked, who couldn't file his own accounts, who never took his children out for ONE day, never bought them any clothing, never took them swimming, never took them out on bikes, never COOKED for us, who came home high on MDMA and cocaine to a baby....this man?!?!?! I need a slap.

Thank you so much for all your support and all of your replies. I agree, I wish there was more of a support group for women who had been through this as it seems to be so common

Sending you all lots of love x

Well… not a slap but maybe a high five for finally recognizing how vile he was.

I think you're going to recover from this quicker than you think op, you know he wasn't the one for you. Life is about to get WAY more peaceful. I recommend you just go quietly and don't drag a fight out...run and be free 🦋

3 years was the magic number for me - almost to the day! It's still there, the hurt after 23 years together, but it feels completely different now - there's an acceptance. I spent a lot of time crying and processing and I think it's important to work through it like that and not just try to bury your feelings. I'm sorry it turned out he was such a dick OP, you and your kids deserve a million times better.