Attending a lovely wedding has made me feel rubbish about my own marriage

[confusedlots]

Attended a lovely small, intimate and very personal wedding and it's clear that the couple are really meant for each other. A very different wedding to my own as we had a much more traditional wedding, but that was exactly what we wanted.

But we're now married 10 years and have 2 young kids and life has definitely taken its toll on our marriage. He's not abusive but I feel we've grown apart and, as happens in lots of relationships, the mental load has fallen to me, and this eventually brings resentment. I don't want to leave but I'm not 100% happy either. I think we'd have muddled along fine if it was just the 2 of us, but parenting young children has brought its own challenges to the relationship.

I know that honeymoon period doesn't last forever, but listening to the very personal vows made me feel so rubbish about my own marriage, as it's so far removed from what I witnessed at the wedding. Instead of coming home and feeling joy at being at such a special event, I have come home and feel so bad I would just like to crawl into bed and stay there for a week.

I think you need to reframe your thinking, unless there's more to this.

10 years of marriage and two children is a wonderful thing. Of course it will be different to a wedding day, which is all about hope and the first flush of love. Real life takes its toll on everyone.

A wedding and a marriage are two entirely different things.

Hi,
I am sorry you feel this way. It feels like you and your partner may need some time for yourselves to reconnect, that maybe in parenthood you have lost yourselves as a couple. I feel like that’s completely normal and happens to a lot of people.

Comparisons can really affect your mental health and where you can try to be quick to find yourself doing it. The wedding vows where these people are, they are at the very beginning of their marriage, their vows don’t necessarily mean that’s how they will continue throughout their marriage of course let’s hope they do. They haven’t had the challenges of children, sacrifice and putting the relationship on the back burner while you try to raise two little humans, it is a hard job. I think you should give yourself a pat on the back as well as your husband.

The way society currently is.. it has us thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, and truth is it’s where you water it. If your partner is willing to work on your relationship, making a schedule where you are able to fit in date nights, experiences, at home date nights with the children where you all stay away from devices play board games, really get to know each other again. There is built up resentment and I can understand that, but sometimes we have to reframe and refocus on and think about what is it that our partner IS doing compared to what they aren’t. I’m not saying don’t have your needs met, or wants. I’m just talking about appreciation being a massive factor in a marriage, praise, this can help your partner feel invigorated as well as if he is doing it for you. This way you can open up to more loving experiences with each other.

It does take a lot of effort, all of it, and I’m not saying it won’t drop off again.. because it probably will, but then it’s pressing reset and doing it again.
You have strength in your relationship 10 years, 2 children, that’s built resilience in your relationship, use that to help it grow. This way you will be able to talk to your partner about your resentments and the uncomfortable conversations will become bricks that continue to help you build your relationship. Leaving and starting with someone new requires a lot of effort, and a lot of changing. It is a wonderful thing to grow with someone and then hold your hand knowing you, your whole life. It should be cherished and really tried for, I hope you guys really figure out how to keep it going and your relationship grows. A wedding is just a snippet into someone’s relationship, we never know what’s really going on, how much struggle they go through. Try to see your marriage with more of an open mind and see where there are opportunities to rebuild.

hope you make it through x

I completely agree with everything @Theyellowsunflower said especially the 3rd paragraph. Dh and I have been married for 25 years. He is my best friend and favourite person. But, we worked at it. Even now we treat our marriage like we have been dating 6 months. No phones when we talk to each other. We turn off the tv and face each other and chat about anything and everything.

I think within any relationship you accept that there are strengths and weaknesses. I agree you need to focus on what he does do, not what he doesn't do. This is about communication and language too. Dh and I over the last 20 plus years have asked each other what can I do that would make your life a bit easier? Not you never do X or Y. As with children you name the behaviour you want to see. There are some really good relationship/communication videos on youtube, Jimmy On Relationships, Gottman Institute to name two.

We have 2 children, now 21 and 18. Ds2 was incredibly poorly and practically lived on me for a whole year. That clinginess to me didn't stop until he was about 6. So it hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine but we see ourselves as a team, working toward a goal. That could just be that we are both sat down by a particular time, or that a DIY project is completed.

Turn into your marriage, you did say for better or worse. There are times it will feel really hard but this person should be with you in the trenches. Divide and conquer when it comes to the children. Spend one on one time with each child, easily done when you have two and you can do it at the same time. That halves the responsibility too. A trip to the shops, the tip, B&Q he takes a child with him. Ensure he builds the relationship with his children. Dh took both children out for breakfast, milkshake and pancakes every 2 months or so on a weekend morning, something they very much looked forward to. We are all close as a family.

You have witnessed the wedding, they too might feel overwhelmed and bogged down by day to day life with 2 children 10 years down the line too. When children are young they need so much of your time and attention but they do grow up and become more independent.

Thanks for the positive words. The couple who married are unlikely to have children as they married a bit later in life (though not impossible) so I'm also aware that their marriage is likely to be very different to our's. I guess I just feel a bit overwhelmed with the mundanity of life with young children and the good old mental load, and the wedding seemed to heighten all those feelings. Not that I would change having my children of course, but I think things are just getting to me at the moment. Going to have to try to focus on the positives.

Hang in there, you're in a super tough stage of life that is never going to compare to what a wedding feels like

Fwiw, I can't abide personalised vows. It makes my toe curl. Lovely if they want to say such things privately, but don't make it a public spectacle.

Also, I doubt anything you saw there is a reflection of what their marriage will be like in 10 years' time.

IMO, weddings are about optimism.
Marriages are about reality.
Both couples are at different stages in their relationships so aren't really comparable.

I think that children do put a strain on a marriage. Even though you are husband and wife you are different people. You parent differently and have different views. Finances can also put a strain on a marriage, its how you work through the challenges that makes your marriage i think. Also, trying to get some alone time, whether that be a date night at home when the kids are in bed or getting a babysitter and going out, its important to reconnect every so often as people and not as parents if that makes sense.

I don't think you should be sad about your marriage, it sounds like a normal marriage with young children and two burnt out and out of touch parents.

Welcome to the club!!