5 year relationship over within the space of a day? ‘29F’ and ‘35M’
Hi,
I have been going through the worst time. It’s confusion, hurt and I just don’t understand. I’m 29 (f) and partner is 35 (m). We have been together five years, we met at work we were both working part time in a retail job. At the time I was 24, i didn’t know where I was heading when it came to a career and I had a tough background, I was going through a lot of motions at the time, my life was extremely chaotic and it wasn’t something I could control. It was everything around me.
My partner met me. I was a newbie when we met, he trained me and we instantly clicked over time our relationship built, he did have a crush on another girl at work that he used to flirt with in front of me (he denied this) but it affected me a lot, we were together and when we had gone on night outs with the team he ignored me and he followed her around. There is some more context behind that, which I could get into if needed but regardless - that night was very much I watched him as he didn’t speak to me as he followed her around. I fell for him quickly, more than I wanted to admit, I had been alone for two years after coming out of a long relationship. So I didn’t jump back into any relationship, it was a long time before I even had any feelings at all. This did ruin some trust I had, it always felt like he would ditch me at a moments notice if someone paid attention to him. I didn’t react so well to it all, I was young and my self esteem was very low to begin with and it was awful and horrible for me to see.
He doesn’t have any friends or anyone close to him. He has parents and a sibling that he rarely ever sees. I never didn’t want him to have friends, but work night outs when he eventually did leave the retail job to go into a corporate job really stung me, and I would react badly. I know that during this time I needed to grow, if I wanted to be with him I couldn’t keep punishing him for the beginning. I had to forgive him if I wanted to be with him, things started to really change by the third year of our relationship. I was turning 27 and I had a bit of a breakdown, I wanted more commitment from him. Looking back at the relationship now he always had one foot out, yet he kept coming back and telling me he wanted it to be me. I kept trying to hold on because I loved him. I knew I had faults, and I didn’t know how to navigate them, I was struggling and he didn’t support me enough he very much wanted me to be done once he had gotten a new job. As soon as he moved into a corporate job, he began to look down on me. I was still in my retail job, that we both had before. It wasn’t great money but I was living at home, I was scared to get anything else. I very much struggle with interviews, and have imposter syndrome.
At 27 I did give him an ultimatum, I wanted to get married I wanted commitment, he always went on about he wanted to marry too. I was trying to reach a milestone so badly, that i did push him. But he went along with it, we booked a venue, a photographer he proposed.. wasn’t planned he did it in the car. He stonewalled me after something that he did often, I asked for open communication. Again I’m not perfect, I have made plenty of mistakes and I don’t always communicate the best, but I do genuinely try. But he stonewalled and we couldn’t move forward.. eventually his stonewalling made me feel like I wasn’t enough, so I went ahead and cancelled the wedding. I did resent him for a while, I did blame him, not seeing how logistically I needed to change myself before attempting to get married, eventually I did forgive him and realised that he was worried about finances and where we were. I was trying to have boundaries, I want children and I was scared that I was getting older and time was running out. I’m scared that it’s never going to happen for me now.
So I promised to sort myself out, I got a new job a full time retail position (this was hard for me, it took real courage) I went to interview after interview. This job was toxic, my employers were horrible and I was made to feel like a mannequin and I struggled in it, I didn’t leave until I had another job. I started working with a friends small business, this was temporary and lasted about 6 months, it did abruptly come to an end but as soon as I knew I started thinking about my career what I wanted to do. I was 28, we were now living together, our relationship was hidden for my parents because they wouldn’t accept it due to religious differences however I had always planned to tell them once we were actually getting married. My parents are abusive one of them to a physical point, my background was much tougher but I was ready to stand up to them once we were set on getting married. I tried my hand at teaching (lower level - midday role), again it was a horrible experience I was consistently patronised and not trained. They were always understaffed and didn’t give me any real training whatsoever, however again I stuck it out to the end of the school year.
I knew this would be effecting him, in this time he was struggling with his job it became toxic. He was on antidepressants because of how much he was struggling. I encouraged him, I supported him. It affected our relationship sexually, as antidepressants take away the desire, but I supported him and tried to continue to be affectionate. He started to apply for other jobs and a job in another city about an hour away wanted him to come in for an interview, and he wasn’t going to go but I encouraged him really encouraged him because I knew how badly he wanted out and it couldn’t harm to try. He got the job, he didn’t want to take it because of the city it was however I explained that he could commute as it was hybrid or I would move to that city to be with him, I thought as well it would be easier for me to find a job as it was a lot more diverse than our town with much more opportunities, his pay increased. Mine was still Part time with both jobs under £1000 a month.
I understand that he was being patient with me trying to figure it out, and I never once think that it was easy.. but once he got both two new jobs he tried to leave. The one he is in currently he stayed in the city for the first week as he had to be there everyday and it made more sense, we were together 4 years by this point and I had just moved into the flat that week. He was living there a short while on his own before I moved in. He text me the first night from the hotel saying he would be moving to the city on his own. My heart shattered into a million pieces, I convinced him to stay. I know I probably shouldn’t have, but I didn’t want to give up. I made a lifestyle change I knew I needed to change within myself.
I apologised and took accountability for what I put him though, and I really put action behind everything I promised. I got healthier, I started learning how to drive (again didn’t do because of fear however I am now close to taking my test). I passed an exam so that I could take a corporate job, this is was something I was passionate about and finally figured out what I wanted to do. I never wanted him to look after me financially I am ambitious and I wanted to be able to be a team with my partner we both look after each other, both contribute. I do like working it’s just been really hard for me to figure out what to do. The current job market is extremely tough, I applied for over 150 jobs in 8 days. I got one response from a customer service role however it was full time and hybrid eventually, I interviewed for it and got it. I took it because I didn’t want there to be financial burden on him anymore, and the job that I wanted to do they did it in this workplace and I thought maybe somehow I’d be able to move into that department. My lack of experience was getting me nowhere with job hunting and while it may take me months to get one in the field I want to be in, I needed this full time job for me, our relationship and to finally move forward.
I did action behind everything I said, I apologised and really took accountability for what I did, and thanked him for being patient. He saw real change in me, but he just didn’t communicate, he never wanted to. Sometimes to me it felt like he put all his happiness on me, that I had to be his entire happiness. I am a firm believer in commitment to the relationship, it can get hard, timelines aren’t always the same, things can get rocky and tough, you’re growing a people and while there has been pain in our relationship. I believed that we could work it out with communication and understanding. I kept asking him, if he wanted to talk. He went on a holiday with his parents because I couldn’t go at the time due to work constraints. The night before he left, we were doing pretty well and I didn’t see it coming. He had been somewhat distant but he had exams and he always got like that, and I had asked time and time again if he would like to talk, if something was bothering him and he would lie to me and just say it was exams. So I dropped it.
I very much took responsibility of keeping the house running, he was also very good in supporting that. He helped a lot and cooked a lot, but I did do the bulk of it because he was commuting and I didn’t mind, I knew we needed that. We had a good system going on and we were progressing. But the night before his holiday he told me he was unhappy and wanted to leave.. at this point I hadn’t passed my exam or gotten a new job, but I had this focus for two weeks when he left that I could solely lock in. It was summer and my retail job was busy I was doing irregular shifts every single day, so I had to push some things to the side but I kept with my healthy lifestyle change, I signed up for a race, I was building myself. He blindsided me that night, when he was gone for two weeks he messaged me every single day. Telling me everything about his day etc. I was struggling at home trying to pass my exam, trying so hard. He came back and he hugged me as if he missed me so much he told me how much he did.
I missed him, he’s my partner my best friend. I told him that I passed my exam, I was looking for jobs and he seemed to be happy with it, 2 weeks later he started to stonewall again. I couldn’t understand it.. it felt like we were working though, I had gotten a job something that affected him, I made sure to get a full time job because I didn’t want to hold us back. Our flat, they were selling it, so we were looking for new places.. again he came with me to every appointment. I asked him time and time again, if everything was okay if he needed to talk to me, I was trying to communicate, trying to discuss his fears or worries to try and reassure him. He very much believes in no reassurance he didn’t reassure me ever he was never willing to, I needed it. I have an anxious attachment style and he is avoidant - classic I know. We had so much good in our relationship but then I couldn’t ever keep up with the financial side and it felt like when he levelled up so to speak he was then done with me.
I understood his worries, he wanted stability and partner that helped him. He felt behind and wanted to have a house etc, but I was always willing I was trying. He resented how long it took me, but I supported him through his journey, he started where I was.. he has already been there a year before I had started. I did feel bad and I do take fault in this, I wanted to give him reassurance I wanted to be financially set, I never spent excessively. I always saved my small wage, it got harder once we rented I always paid half for the rent, he would take more responsibility for bills however I would help with shopping household items, dates he would pay more however I very much did pay too, I didn’t expect him to. He stopped trying and got lazy when we moved in together, I didn’t I kept trying I saw our relationship outside the flat too, spending quality time and having experiences. But he was so focused on money held his purse strings extremely tight and I did admire it I was happy that he was sensible and I never expected so much. I was happy with free dates, walks, picnics, movie nights at home. But he was always glued to his laptop. He didn’t acknowledge I was there much, he neglected me.
This week.. I asked again what was wrong, why was he stonewalling and not communicating was there something I could do. He told me he was unhappy. And he told me to let him go. I tried to convince him, I know I shouldn’t have I do regret that now. But I could hear myself and I did stop we went to bed that night and I cried .. he slept. He tried to cuddle me most of the night, but i heard him. I finally listened. I wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t financially set, I’m due to start my new job in a week. So that morning he commuted to the office. I didn’t tell him but I packed my bags. I couldn’t wait there and him come home to again want me to beg for him to stay. I couldn’t, I had some self respect. And finally got some self esteem and courage, I couldn’t keep being in something one sided he didn’t think I was worth fighting for. He focused on my faults and not my attributes. He critiqued everything, I became self sufficient and more needless because I knew he didn’t want to help me, he didn’t want me to need him. So I left, I wrote a note and just left.. took my clothes and a few bits and came back home to my parents.
Some of my stuff is still there and I will be taking it out at some point, he text me saying sorry, and that i didn’t need to leave straight away. I apologised for what I put him through, and told him I thought it was best I get out of the way. He said I could come by whenever I wanted and was taken aback when I alluded that I didn’t want to see him, he left the decision up to me. It felt manipulating to an extent, that I left but not on how he planned. I wanted to go and not make it hard on him, leave as though I never really existed it seemed better that way, maybe I did it wrong but I just couldn’t sit there wishing he would fight for us. He text me again the following day wishing me luck for my race that I didn’t end up doing due to the weather. I didn’t reply.
I began no contact. I miss him and I love him. I know that I can’t be with him because he’s unwilling to support me, he was unwilling to see me for me, he only saw what I could bring financially but he wasn’t willing to wait for it. There are plenty of mistakes I made in the relationship, and I didn’t think I could fix them all, but I really wanted to try and rebuild. Do I wish he comes back? Yes. He was it for me, but I don’t want him to come back in the space he’s in now. If it was 3/6 months from now and we had both grown enough, that maybe the time would be right and we would both be in a better place. But again I’m not waiting for it, I think he always felt he was better than me, my socioeconomic background was always different, his family was small conservative, never talked about anything he goes home every weekend to his parents they live 5 minutes down the road and he stays over. He didn’t spend Friday night or Saturday with me, (he was actually at his parents no other women involved or anything). I understood that he needed that, and it was ok. He got his laundry done at home, he needed that. I would have done it but he wouldn’t have ever thought I had done it right.
My laundry was still drying when I left, I left my home, I left my person, I left my life that I had built. I had to do it because he never did it, he would just blame me for his unhappiness. I am a firm believer on perspective and communication, he didn’t appreciate me in the relationship. He held back with affection, he held back saying I love you. It was only done when it was convenient for him and worked for him. He complained that I cried and that I was too sensitive. While I know this sounds like I should have known, I thought he was a good person and I believed in some of his words compared to action. I don’t think he has any friends or close people in his life because he’s unwilling to put effort into anyone, he’s unwilling to accept anyone’s faults and support them. He wants perfection and his expectation is so high that you can’t do anything but disappoint him. I am stronger this time, a lot stronger. I’ve cried don’t get me wrong but I’ve kept going. It’s heart breaking but I know I was good to him. I know I tried. I know that the way I loved him was real. Pure. I know that it was genuine and while it was selfish at times, I tried to love him selflessly. When I left, I left for him too. I didn’t want to be the reason for him unhappiness. And I knew he didn’t have the strength it took to leave so I did it.
I have been the bigger person in this, I have forgiven a lot, and I really tried to communicate. He just didn’t want to see me for me.
Would you then further contact with this person or continue with no contact and let the universe decide if it is meant to be, if we grow as people to come back together or stay apart?