I think I am a bad daughter

[Radiatar]

My sibling feels the same way as me. My mum is getting older now is immobile and is retired and lives alone. On paper I feel guilty about that as it probably isn’t nice. She does have some friends but DS and I are her only family left.

My mum stayed married to our awful dad for far too long, he was abusive towards me physically and verbally. DS and I are completely NC with him. My DM acts like she was in the same situation as me when I was a kid, as if she was also trapped with this man. She was to some extent I’m aware, but it wasn’t until I became a parent I got really angry at how she didn’t protect us. She would play these emotional manipulation games with our dad, it was all toxic and I was their pawn in the middle. I protected my sibling from a lot of it and took the main flack.

My DM also picks favourite grandchildren out of our DC and some of them she barely even bothers with. She will say ‘well they don’t seem to like me’ and then make no effort with them, only the favourite one and then wonder why they don’t like her. She also wants to talk to the adults more than the children when they are present so you find yourself torn between giving them all attention. She is also a fussy picky eater, she never helps us out with anything. She can’t babysit, she can’t play with the DC, she can’t help us out with anything, she can’t drive, she just comes and sits in a chair at your house for hours being waited on hand and foot, needing constant entertainment.

We have young families and busy lives and I don’t know where to fit her in. If I call her, it’s always a long chat about her, she just talks at you for hours, doesn’t ask you any questions about you, talks about people I don’t know. We have to do all family activities inside as she is immobile, this is boring for the DC and extra work for us.

I still walk around with a guilt I am not a good daughter. I have tried making more effort but in her company I feel physically irritated, I get itchy all over with stress and my DP and DC say my mood completely changes around her and I am snappy and distant. I only get this reaction with a few people in my life. It is like I am trapped and want to escape.

Can anyone be honest about if I need to just step up and be a better daughter. Is it my duty for her not to be alone when she is old and learn to tolerate her?

Why don't you just visit her at her house at the same time as your sister and her kids? Your mum doesn't need to play with the kids as they can play together and the adults can chat. That's all perfectly normal, I don't know many grandparents on their knees on the floor playing Bluey with the kids.

I don't know why it would be boring for the kids to do family activities indoors sometimes, surely they don't spend all day every day outside? How often are you seeing and speaking to her? Perhaps agree with your sister that you will each phone her once a week and then visit together one day every other weekend - or something similar that works for you both.

There's no need to feel any guilt, she obviously wasn't a great mum so why would you feel guilty about not being a great daughter?

Sorry to hear about your childhood and I can really recommend therapy to help you pick through it.

I think you need to concentrate wholly on your own children and partner. You sound as though you've done an amazing job at breaking the cycle. Your mum sounds as though she exists as a victim, which necessarily makes you a rescuer, which as her child should not be your place. I'd imagine that is what gives you the trapped feeling as you are being forced into a role you do not want.

@Jessie1259 her house is tiny and not very clean. It’s boring and nowhere to sit, she never has much food. In good weather this is better as you can go outside, but not in bad weather

There are a lot of kids between us, so space is one issue and all the grandkids being together is noisy and they range in ages so it’s often way more enjoyable for us all to go out together for a few hours, we might all go for a walk, lunch or to something nice like a petting farm, park or something. We do all stay indoors sometimes but she will just sit in one chair the whole time moaning it’s cold and you have to fetch stuff for her. If we get together indoors we will all bring food and drink to each others houses. She brings nothing. Doesn’t even help put her own cup in the sink.

I mean she does nothing with them, they don’t even ask her to do things anymore. Kids like to show you things don’t they. Well she just talks over them to us. You don’t have to get down on the floor but there are loads of things you can do with a child. Read, draw. Talk to them. She would watch TV with them that’s about it. Also tbh I love my nieces and nephews and when I am with my family I do want to talk to the kids, I love seeing them grow up. They are interesting little people. My DS and I do not expect the kids to go away to let the adults chat. I want to be around my kids too they are my favourite people in the world.

I have had therapy and the therapist was confused at how angry I am at my DM rather than my DF. I grieved him already with the NC he is a terrible father, it’s easier to close that door. I’m trapped with my DM forever though. My DM just gives me this itchy panicky feeling

Oh that's a shame about the therapist and they don't sound great! Your mum was supposed to protect you and she didn't. Of course you will feel anger towards her.

I would hate this situation OP and have had similar. Boundaries work for me - ie the confidence to say that the kids get bored doing nothing, so we are going to do X if you want to come. As your kids get older they just won't want to go any more.

Trust yourself. You sound as though you've are doing an amazing job with your kids.

When you say your mum is immobile, what do you mean by that?

I understand that she is struggling a lot with mobility which then would explain why she can’t look after her grandchildren, play with them etc….
If she is living in her own, she won’t need a lot of food etc…. (And might not have the money? I dint know).

Not sure of I understood well there.

This doesn’t minimise what happened in your childhood, or the fact she has some references re her grandchildren, doesn’t talk to children in general etc….

Sorry OP. Your mum sounds awful. You seem to feel like you owe her something, I don't agree. You owe her nothing. It sounds like she was a terrible parent, and is now also a terrible grandparent. She isn't making any effort to do better.
I think you're asking for permission to not spend as much time with her. I think you can give yourself that permission. I think it'd be perfectly reasonable decision. Don't focus on whether or not you're a bad daughter, instead focus on being a good parent, wife, aunty and sister. It sounds like you're doing a great job of that so far.

Couldn't agree more with this.

I would go further and say your mum is (subconsciously or not) trying to drive you away from her by deliberately not giving you anything at all.

I get the residual childhood anger stuff, but I think the current, present-day stuff is pretty normal — none of our four parents can babysit or help out, DH’s parents are these days virtually immobile, no longer drive and seldom leave the house, so visits consist of sitting in their living room while they stare at the golf. My parents are more mobile, but conversation consists entirely of the deaths and ailments of total strangers. Visits are boring, yes. PILs in particular unable to engage with DS. All four eat like birds, so not food in the house.

But that’s just old age and poor health. I would separate that out from your understandable anger about your childhood.

She is very overweight and eats a terrible diet, she got inactive after my dad left and she isn’t good at going to the doctors so she just got more and more immobile over time. I don’t really know what’s actually wrong with her, I think she would like a diagnosis of something as it would maybe help her get help but I don’t think she wants to get better. She had loads of opportunities to change things she chose not to. She does have arthritis in her hands I can see that and she’s had a couple of ops to help her be more mobile but she never does the exercises she is meant to as it’s hard work. She also never took any of the tablets her doctor gave her. To be honest that’s another stress as I don’t know why she is so breathless I ask her why, she says doctor doesn’t seem concerned but it doesn’t seem normal to me? I do think there is something wrong I just don’t know what to do I tell her to go to the doctor

I don’t care she doesn’t play with the DC but she ignores them which is worse.

No she doesn’t need a lot of food but if you was to visit all she has in would be junk food. You would need to bring food and drink with you. She isn’t good at cleaning but won’t get anyone in to help.

I don’t know her finances I think she’s ok, she has a pension from work. She isn’t breadline poor from what I can see. She has to get taxis if she goes out.

Can I put this into some context of age that my DM is in her 60’s. She is not elderly.

None of this is up to you to sort out.

My PILS couldn't be more different. Ignoring kids to stare at the golf on the telly is just miserable and rude, unless they have some sort of cognitive decline. It's definitely not a given of old age! PIL is immobile but chats to all the grandkids and asks them about themselves.

You need to get the thought into your head that you are a good daughter. You are a good daughter with a bad mother.

When you change the way you look at things. the things you look at change.

Yeah my PIL’s on DP side could not be more different. They are both registered disabled. Despite this nothing is too much for them to spend time with their family, they contact us regularly, check in, are amazing with the kids (not getting into the floor, just taking an interest in them!) it’s actually an annoying level of contact at times but we can’t complain as they are fantastic

@Thommasina no I know you are right it isn’t.

thanks I do feel better it has helped me frame things differently. I wish I could just tell her how I feel but she would take it very badly and it would make it all worse

Definite cognitive decline and increasing deafness, combined with increasing remoteness. FIL couldn’t remember his SIL’s name (who married his eldest daughter in 1987, so not a new figure) at the weekend, and kept calling him ‘that fella’. They do try intermittently to talk to my 12 year old, but aren’t really up to it any more, and even when they try, he finds it irritating. — understandably, as MIL’s idea of conversation involves saying ‘How’s school?’ and repeating it several times without hearing the reply, or, when she does, paying any attention to it. That’s not age-related. She was never a listener.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It’s pretty common. Google it and decide how you want to proceed

OK, well in one breath you say they have definite cognitive decline and in the other that it's not age related.

Either way it sounds miserable and not representative of the vast majority of the grandparents I know.

Respectfully, what kind of mind bending, mental gymnastics have you had to go
through to come to the conclusion that you are a bad daughter? Mothers are not sacred, they are just regular human beings. In your case, Not to take away from the fact that your mother was in abusive relationship, with your father, and that is bad, she clearly failed you and your siblings, through out your childhood. She’s didn’t protect you, and used you as a pawn in her conflict with your father. And now she’s playing mind games, with her grand children by picking favourites. That’s just messed up. And then she comes over to yours and expects for you to do all her bidding. Why is all of that acceptable, and you just have to comply and get on with it? Why the forgive and forget thing?

It sounds actually that you have been a wonderful daughter to her. It blows my mind how society expects adult children of really, really shitty parents to take care of them when they are old. And I say that as someone who comes from a very traditional culture, where taking care of the elderly, in your family is a given. But from now on I would concentrate just on your own family, and your and theirs happiness. Practically, could she afford some help, to come to her home and help out? Could she eventually get a carer?

OP, you are not a bad daughter in any shape or form.

So it doesn't sound as if either you or your family gain anything from her - she makes your life worse. If you are going to continue contact, set some boundaries - seeing her monthly, calling her weekly - whatever you can manage. You will never ever please her so i'd stop trying and re-focus that energy on you and your family. Stop feeling guilty - you have been failed by both of your parents.

@OneDandyPoet yeah on paper written down sounds like a no brainier doesn’t it. Not heard from her for weeks and we got a message this weekend that she was not feeling well. So she’s not called or asked after any of us just telling us something is wrong with her. She used to call constantly but we had to tell her to stop as often as we had such busy lives it was too hard to keep up with. For like 10 years she refused to text us cos she wanted to talk on the phone only. I feel like I don’t have a mum. She was a mum to me when I was a kid at least I remember being parented by her but the moment we got to 14 she gave up doing anything parent wise. I think you still need your mum at that age. It was around when her dad died she gave up on us. It’s likely she has been depressed. So I suppose I feel guilty as I have empathy

Objectively she it pitiable - she has been her own worst enemy.

You don’t need to feel guilty about not helping her now. But consider if that

I think you are doing your best in the circumstances, and I don't think you are a 'bad daughter' at all. On the contrary, I think she is a bad mother and grandmother and it is no wonder you feel the way you do.

You suffered years of childhood abuse from your father, and she was complicit in that. Yes, she was probably being abused by him as well, but her current behaviour appears to suggest that she puts herself before her children and grandchildren, and also has blatant favourites.

Be kind to yourself, no blame should be attached to you whatsoever, and do what you feel is right for you and your dc.

Sounds as though she's dissociated from you to stop herself feeling guilty