Am I being too cautious?

[WhatALovelyBouquet]

Been with DP for just over 18 months.
Going brilliantly, no red flags, calm, respectful and a relationship full of kindness. I'm really happy.
We live apart, he has no children, I have one, 12. See each other an overnight every week and a full weekend every other weekend, when my DC is with their dad.

They have met twice, the first meeting after we'd been together just over a year, but as I have been on my own since DC was 2, I am being very cautious and slowly planning in small meets. I have no plans to live with him for a long time, potentially until DC goes to university or turns 18. It's always been just me and DC and we are extremely close.

DP's best friend coincidentally met his now partner at pretty much the same time as DP and I met each other. His friends DP has a child, aged about 9 I think. They have moved much faster. He moved in with her and her daughter after around 12 months I think, looking to get married etc.

We were all out together recently and his friends DP and I started chatting and she said to me that I need to "let DP in" and "stop holding back". This pissed me off a bit because it suggested they'd been taking amongst themselves about our relationship, but also that I'm being unnecessarily cautious. I don't feel that I am. In truth, I feel if anything DPs friend and his partner are moving very quickly with him moving him, particularly with a pre pubescent girl, who I think will not appreciate an unrelated man in the house while she's going through puberty. (I've kept my thoughts firmly to myself, definitely not my place to comment!)

It's left me feeling like I'm being unfair to my DP. All this talk about not letting him in has made me feel like I'm being unfair. It's not that I don't trust him, I do, but my DCs happiness is my ultimate priority and I don't feel it would be fair on them to make such a massive change to their everyday life. My taje on it is that how would I feel if another person was inserted into my household (no matter how lovely) and I was just expected to get in with it? I don't think it's right.

Am I being unfair keeping DP so separate from my family life? This conversation has made me doubt myself.

What des your DP say/think? I can see both sides - you're moving super slow but perhaps his friend is moving too fast. Probably a middle ground is better. But at the end of the day, it's betwene you and him. If he's not happy, then you need to decide if this is something you're willing to compromise on. If he is happy, then everything is good.

I would say after this amount of time, that its not unreasonabel for him to be a bit more involved in your life. Not necessarily moved in - I agree with you there - but around the odd evening etc.

sounds like he said something to his friends about it

Yeah it sounds like he definitely has said something to his friend about it. I would have appreciated him talking to me about it instead ...

If I'm honest, I feel like he's probably being a bit influenced by his friends relationship moving much more quickly and comparing it to ours. But I personally think that that speed is too fast.

I want my relationship to develop and I love DP, but I also have a responsibility to make sure my child's life isn't disrupted. It's hard.

I really feel for you OP. I recently ended a 2.5 year relationship, there were a couple of other issues but what you describe was a main factor for me.

My DP was 9/10 when they first started spending time together gradually. He wanted to move much faster. He felt i "pandered" to my Dd too much.

I could see from his pov that he may have felt like an outsider to our family unit. But I wasn't willing to rush my Dd into living with or spending too much time with an unrelated man she hadn't chosen to be part of her life.

I must stress there were other factors but ultimately I don't think he understood how I felt.

He seemed to think it was a reflection of my feelings towards him, whereas I felt like it want even my feelings that were driving it - it was my DDs wellbeing.

My friend sent me a quote and think it's one of the best I've ever heard for single mums:

"Of course her child becomes before you. Her child comes before herself"

I think you are doing the right thing, putting your child first. He hasn’t got kids so may not understand. Just move at your own pace and be clear to him that is what you will be doing. X

I’d have told her I thought she was being grossly irresponsible. Talk to your partner and tell him you don’t appreciate his friend interfering, and that he needs to talk to you if he has a problem with your handling of the relationship. But that you won’t be moving in with him for years to come. If that doesn’t work for him, he needs to say so.

You probably need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner.
Do you not want your partner to get to know your DS? Would your partner/ds be open to spending more time together? I can see why you're being cautious but if you keep everything the way it is and don't move in together until your ds is at uni, surely they won't have a relationship and it will make it more awkward when your ds comes home/visits. I think it you see your partner as a permanent fixture in your life, surely he needs to get to know your DS at some point? My DD is 13 and has a brilliant relationship with her dad and her step dad.