Unbothered grandparents

[Mumofonexo]

Just wondering if anyone else can relate. So my husband’s family are complex and he doesn’t have much to do with them. My son has seen them twice in over a year. However before becoming a mum I was super close to my mum now she seems distant and uninterested in my son. She had a really traumatic time with me as a baby as I had colic and cried non stop for the first year so she found it difficult to be around my son as a newborn. Now he’s that bit older and less fussy but she still seems uninterested 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have had comments like “I used to dread you bringing him over” because he would cry and she would find it triggering. I guess I just feel jealous when I see others doing so much with grandparents. I know you shouldn’t expect anything but I just expected them to show an interest 😅

You mum is clearly still struggling with what she went through and being around babies triggers her. Maybe she needs to have some therapy to deal with her trauma.

I completely agree with you. I find it strange that she had 2 more children after me and was ok? She also doesn’t think therapy or anything like that helps which is hard when i think maybe she needs to talk to someone

I never understand this in families. I'm going thru assessments atm to foster my dgc and literally il do anything I've got to if it keeps him in our family, I'm gonna have to give up my job but he's the most important person right now..
My friend reminds me quite often that not everyone would do what I'm doing and it baffles my brain.
Family come first before anything!
I'm shitting myself, coz my youngest is nearly 18 now and I wouldn't have chosen this but I adore him..
Why don't other people think like this?!

Maybe it’s because her trauma happened being a new mum to you and this is your child so she is terrified your child will be the same. Maybe you could try and get her used to your child by sending WhatsApp videos of your child laughing, playing contentedly, sleeping soundly. That way she can start building new connections between her own mind and your child. She can build a healthy, real picture of your child’s behaviour rather than her own trauma tainted one.

Does her trauma necessitate her making snarky comments about ‘dreading’ her DGS coming over?

fine that she felt that way, shitty to say so in such a blunt way to her own DD about a tiny baby.

OP are you sure you were as genuinely close to your mum as you thought? Your mum has not been kind to you over this.

That must have been deeply hurtful from your mother.
No harm in letting her know it, especially as she feels so confident that she doesn't need help.
Colic is a dose but many babies have it for extended periods of time.
I think you should be honest with her, but ultimately she just may not be interested.
Join groups and work at building a community of mum friends to support you.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I do send pictures and videos as 90% of the time he’s a happy little boy very cheeky but smiling most of the time.
And we were very close before he was born we would have days out together and stuff still. But even when I was pregnant it’s like they didn’t want to come baby shopping or anything. my husband works away allot so I’m often on my own I just wrongly expected more support I guess. However I’m getting used to doing it alone now. Even if I start work I was told not to rely on them for childcare as they don’t want the commitment. So i have a nursery place.
I did express my hurt around the comment and it was dismissed.

My mother was similar to yours and she has not changed. My child is now an adult and their relationship is tenuous at best. My own relationship with my mother is damaged by their lack of interest, they never wanted any responsibility. What they did teach me however was how not to behave.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through this too! It really sucks 😢 I think they just become selfish when they retire and just want to do what they want. They don’t realise they are just pushing their kids away though. It’s just really upsetting x

I am with one of my DGC, at the moment, and I couldn't do this. I love all my DGC, and love seeing them, but will be very pleased to go home and back to work.
I might add that all my DGC have special needs and are extraordinary children but there is no way we could have any one of them full-time.

My kids are young adults now, but we had problems with gp's when they were babies. We were the first of our generation in both families to have children.

I've realised over the years that although there's a big focus on what a life change this is for the new parents, there's not a lot said about how it is also an adjustment for everyone else, and some people handle it better than others. My MIL spent the first 18 months telling everyone she was too young to be a grandmother and we barely saw her. My mother went the other way and bullied me constantly over my parenting with the first (but had no interest at all in our second).

No-one talks about how some people can't adjust to be grandparents and what that's like, but it's a thing. I feel for you OP. All you can do is give it time. She might come round, she might not, but it will get easier for you to deal with given time.

She needs to figure out why babies crying triggers her so much.
Sounds like she can't cope with small children!

I am so sorry, OP.

I had no interest or help either and I used to burn with sadness and hurt and a bit of jealousy when I saw friends inundated with love and support from grandmothers.

I will be SUCH a hands-on, loving and passionately interested grandmother when my turn comes.

My suggestion would be, I'm afraid, to take a step back from your mum if she's disappointing you. You have a gorgeous little boy - connect with other mums/ families of little ones his age and dial down how much effort you make with your mum. It truly is her loss.

Could it be something to do with your attention being on your child now and not on her and she is jealous/resentful?