I grew up in an abusive household, but left home early and managed to create sort semblance of a life. I had a small number of friends who I was very close to and limited my interaction with people outside this group. I chose to remain self-employed which allowed me to work around, and the flexibility has made it easy for me to stay financially independent and in employment. And I've mostly lived alone. Looking back I believe I had used compensatory strategies to manage life and lead a functional life despite a disastrous history of mental health issues (self harm, suicide attempts).
This isn't to say I didn't encounter issues with my personal and professional relationships- the set up just allowed me to avoid them mostly, and manage them well when they came up.
My life has turned on it's head since getting married- new city, working very infrequently due to having very young children, loss of financial autonomy, loneliness and isolation. And as a result I've been arguing with my husband a lot. This was never an issue before I moved in with him. I've realised that I don't actually trust my instinct/perception of reality/my emotional response to events or altercations. And worry thay I often can retaliate disproportionately.
For example, my husband has always made comments alluding to my introverted nature, the fact that I'm not very adaptable, not very social, struggle to socialise and make friends, a little obsession about order and routine, and tidiness. This week we were talking about the potential of relocation and I mentioned that the city I was living in before had a very pleasant community with shared values and how happy I was there. He then responds (in a way I interpreted as scathing), how if new people start replacing the old residents, I'd have a problem with the new residents. It was such a cruel and unnecessary remark. When I tried to get him to understand how much it has upset me, he continued to call me immature and persisted in his accusations of my social ineptness. I ended locking myself in our bedroom to sleep and left his pillow outside- he slept on the sofa.
I realise this was a very immature response. I just felt exhausted listening to how rubbish he thinks I am socially, how weirdly introverted I am, how unadaptable. It's always wore me down so much but he doesn't understand and repeats the same critisms. But even so, I've also been left wondering if everything he's saying is true. Or worrying if he's actually right.
I don't even know the point of the thread is anymore. I'm just struggling with boundaries and knowing when I should be hurt (and by how much).
Thanks if you got this far.