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Original poster

How often should a father have his child (co parenting)

23 replies

ForWaryBiscuit · 20/10/2024 13:07

Me and ex haven't been together since baby was 4 months old. She is 9 months old now.

At the moment he has/sees the baby probably 3 times a week and has her for anything from 4-8 hours at a time (depending if he has work that day.

He doesnt often have her on the weekends as he goes off the radar on weekends. That's fine by me, I wouldn't want her around a drunk/hungover person that is ment to be taking care of her.

He also mentions having her over night which he had once. And haven't since. I've said no to this as there is nowhere for the baby to sleep, (no cot) he also lives at his mother's home and doesn't even have a bedroom of his own.

I was just wondering how often you guys think a father should see/have their child at 9 months old. Obviously I understand I'm going to get alot of different answers

Also I'm not BF baby

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 20/10/2024 13:25

I mean she’s so young and her primary attachment is with you so what you describe sounds like if makes sense in the circs. Although if you’re feeling the pressure and would like a night to yourself / day out or something then ask for it perhaps.

Original poster
ForWaryBiscuit · 20/10/2024 13:30

vincettenoir · 20/10/2024 13:25

I mean she’s so young and her primary attachment is with you so what you describe sounds like if makes sense in the circs. Although if you’re feeling the pressure and would like a night to yourself / day out or something then ask for it perhaps.

The 3 days a week part I don't mind

It's the 8 hours that botheres me, I personally feel its too long, that would be a day where he doesn't have work tho. If he had work that day it would be 4 hours after work.

I'm also dreading Christmas and birthdays, I know it sounds entitled but I do feel like my daughter should be waking up in HER bed in HER house, opening presents under HER tree, Not over his mother's house. I'm already dreading the arguments for special occasions

OP posts:
CameronStrike · 20/10/2024 13:31

I don't think 8 hours is a problem and if I were you I wouldn't be arguing over that while he's not pushing the issue of overnights. Also you need to share Christmas and birthdays. It's unreasonable not to.

CatsCuddles · 20/10/2024 13:34

3 times a week is good my ex hasn't seen our children in 2 years

vincettenoir · 20/10/2024 13:38

ForWaryBiscuit · 20/10/2024 13:30

The 3 days a week part I don't mind

It's the 8 hours that botheres me, I personally feel its too long, that would be a day where he doesn't have work tho. If he had work that day it would be 4 hours after work.

I'm also dreading Christmas and birthdays, I know it sounds entitled but I do feel like my daughter should be waking up in HER bed in HER house, opening presents under HER tree, Not over his mother's house. I'm already dreading the arguments for special occasions

Show quote history

It might be worth trying to gauge how she is without you for so long then. I don’t know how open and amicable your relationship with your ex is but maybe discuss your concerns with him. Hopefully his DD’s happiness will be more important than trying to get one up on you and he can be honest and flexible. Particularly if she is unhappy for some of the 8 hours perhaps it could be difficult for both of them?

category12 · 20/10/2024 13:40

ForWaryBiscuit · 20/10/2024 13:30

The 3 days a week part I don't mind

It's the 8 hours that botheres me, I personally feel its too long, that would be a day where he doesn't have work tho. If he had work that day it would be 4 hours after work.

I'm also dreading Christmas and birthdays, I know it sounds entitled but I do feel like my daughter should be waking up in HER bed in HER house, opening presents under HER tree, Not over his mother's house. I'm already dreading the arguments for special occasions

Show quote history

I think it's quite good that he's having her for a decent length of time and developing that bond with her.

While you probably struggle being apart from her that long as she's so little, I think facilitating their relationship now will pay dividends later on, when you want more of your own life.

As for Christmas and birthdays, if you're reasonably amicable, maybe he could come over during the day for present-opening etc or share the times? Alternating is "fair" strictly speaking, but there's no reason anything has to be set in stone if you're on decent terms.

Christmassunshine · 20/10/2024 13:46

At 9 months quite a few babies are in childcare for 8 hours a day. If you are confident her dad/grandma are competent at looking after her then that sounds fine.

Original poster
ForWaryBiscuit · 20/10/2024 13:50

Maybe I am being that typical first time mum, and struggling with not being around my baby, as a few of you have said the 8 hours isn't too bad.

And I am glad he does wanyt a relationship with his daughter, maybe im just being sensitive

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 20/10/2024 13:52

Unless you are breastfeeding it should be 50/50. So sick of this every other weekend shit and men thinking they don't have to look after their kids cos they're a man.

BobbyBiscuits · 20/10/2024 13:53

He's not pushing for further contact, but once she's older then she may well want to stay overnight at his/he may request this. For now I would not argue with it. It's good he wants to be involved. As for Xmas etc. they basically just get two of them. You do have to share the actual day I'd have thought. That's only fair.

category12 · 20/10/2024 13:54

ForWaryBiscuit · 20/10/2024 13:50

Maybe I am being that typical first time mum, and struggling with not being around my baby, as a few of you have said the 8 hours isn't too bad.

And I am glad he does wanyt a relationship with his daughter, maybe im just being sensitive

I think it's tough on you now, but you might be glad of it later on. 💐

CameronStrike · 20/10/2024 13:56

Bananalanacake · 20/10/2024 13:52

Unless you are breastfeeding it should be 50/50. So sick of this every other weekend shit and men thinking they don't have to look after their kids cos they're a man.

Why should it be 50/50 if neither parent wants that?

Original poster
ForWaryBiscuit · 20/10/2024 13:57

Bananalanacake · 20/10/2024 13:52

Unless you are breastfeeding it should be 50/50. So sick of this every other weekend shit and men thinking they don't have to look after their kids cos they're a man.

He wouldnt cope with 50/50. He doesnt even do weekends much

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 20/10/2024 13:58

Little and often at that age. We started off with 2 hours 3 times a week slowly progressing to 08:30 - 4pm, this fine and no different to her being at nursery. The court was happy for DD not to do any overnights until she was 4.

Christmas and birthdays we alternated and Christmas was 12-noon Christmas eve - 12 noon boxing day so that DD would enjoy the whole Christmas period with whichever family she was with and not have to be torn away from toys or have to have two dinners

Christmas is fine, honestly. As long as you aren't religious you just recreate the whole thing on the 27-29th December instead. So Christmas eve traditions on the 27th bonus is panto is cheap after Christmas and you can pick up gift sets and other tat when thh go down in the sales, Christmas day on the 28th with Christmas dinner and Christmas TV which is available all the time now on streaming services. It also means as an adult you get a proper break and can stuff your face with Christmas food and drink and relax Infront of the TV / wrap gifts / set up big toys like dolls houses etc in situ rather than rushing Christmas eve night waiting for them to go to sleep.

ComingBackHome · 20/10/2024 14:14

Bananalanacake · 20/10/2024 13:52

Unless you are breastfeeding it should be 50/50. So sick of this every other weekend shit and men thinking they don't have to look after their kids cos they're a man.

Should it be 50/50 with a 9 months old baby though?

ComingBackHome · 20/10/2024 14:19

My first reaction was that 50/50 with a baby that young was not ok.

Then I thought that at that age, both my dcs were at nursery full time. So they WERE away 8+ hours a day with someone else (not a parent) and like most/all children going to nursery at that age, they were fine.

I tried to find the reason why I’m uncomfortable with the 50/50.
And I think that it’s because, even if baby is away for the day at nursery, they still get the spend the evening and night with their primary care giver. There is still time in the day for that reconnection.

Which means your current arrangement is probably the best for baby anyway.

Thats wo talking about the fact he doesn’t have a cot or bedroom. Doesn’t want dc at the weekend, doesn’t want dc 50/50 etc…..

Milkand2sugarsplease · 20/10/2024 16:26

There's no reason for him not to do the 8hr days.
It's quite feasible that you could be returning to work post Mat leave now and leaving her in childcare for similar lengths of time just as many others do.

You not wanting her to is different to her not being able to.

Same with Xmas and special occasions - she's not YOUR child, she's both of yours and should have the chance to spend special occasions with dad too - though he should similarly want to too.

Personally, i thing it's important to have a set routine working - it helps to stop the "I can't do this afternoon but I can do that morning". You've both got a responsibility to co parent effectively no matter the relationship between the 2 of you and him flaking on his work days doesn't help you to build any trust in his ability to parent responsibly. If he knows he has her at x y and z point in the week, he plans his work and socials around that, as do you.

crumblemania · 20/10/2024 19:07

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Secondstart1001 · 20/10/2024 21:29

I think based on the age of your child plus the fact your ex doesn’t have adequate sleeping arrangements or a cot for her, I think it’s best to leave the arrangement as it is. You seem wise and want your baby to be safe so keep things as they are. I cannot see things changing as your ex doesn’t seem like he’s independent or self sufficient and it may take a long time for this to change ( if it ever does!).
do you have any family around so you can have an odd Saturday night off? You sound amazing x

Secondstart1001 · 20/10/2024 21:33

@crumblemania I’m struggling to see where the op said she had a boyfriend and was going on holiday to Turkey? I also reread the ops posts … is this posted on another thread or have my comprehension skills left me tonight?

Beastiesandthebeauty · 20/10/2024 23:02

You fell very very protective and a little possessive over your babies that stays forever, but you need to realise how beneficial it is for her wellbeing and self esteem to have a good relationship with a good father ( assuming he is and their time together is good ). 8 hours is reasonable if they manage, overnights unfortunately his living arrangements don't sound suitable so he will have to sort that out before that discussion.

TheQueeen · 21/10/2024 00:25

Sounds like he spends a lot of time with her. My ex used to visit for about an hour after work each day, and sometimes at the weekend. I didn’t want her out of my sight anyway until she was about 5, but I know that’s not the way it is for everyone. Now she’s ten, he has her every other weekend, and picks her up from school twice per week to take her for food

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