Stay in family home or move?

[Starshower]

I separated from exdh a year ago and stayed in the family home with our dc, who are teenagers. Ex and I are joint owners and the plan was that I stay here for the next 6 years until our youngest is 18, then we sell, split the equity and both buy somewhere (ex is currently renting).

I just feel in a dilemma about whether I want to stay here that long. The dc love it here, and I'm also attached to this house. They have been here for the majority of their lives. It's private in a quiet lane.

But it's a big detached house with a huge overgrown garden. The house needs a lot of work doing to it. There are so many problems it's stressing me out. I feel like all I'm doing at the moment is working at my job then in my spare time decluttering or sorting out plumbing/guttering/damp in some rooms etc. Not to mention the whole house needs redecorating.

I'm dreaming of living in a much smaller house, easier to maintain and clean, small garden etc. But if we sold this house I would only be able to afford somewhere much smaller in a much less nice area.

The other issue is that my ex still kind of treats it like his own house. He comes round a few times a week to pick up the dc for various reasons and will ring the doorbell but often walks straight in without waiting for me to come to the door! I'll then find him in the living room rummaging around, or in the kitchen taking out some rice and saying "just need to borrow this for the dc's dinner, that's ok isn't it?" We still share finances etc, so I don't mind about him having food etc, it's just the walking into the house that I can't stand! I've told him a few times I don't like it, and he stops doing it for a while then slips back again. I feel like this house isn't really my space, as he treats it like it's still his.

So I just don't know what's best to do. I know there's quite a few issues here, I hope it all makes sense. Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

Have you changed the locks?

No I haven't. I am trying to be amicable with my ex. But he's the type of person who doesn't respect boundaries and is very self centred so maybe I need to be more insistent about asserting my needs. It all gets so tiring though, I'm tired of all the discussion and arguments as he can't seem to respect my needs in the way any normal person would! And I'm also trying to not say anything in front of the dc when he's here as I don't want them to feel upset.

@Starshower I think your dc are old enough to understand the need to move. Dh is throwing money away by renting and most people do end up wanting to move on.

Your DH is, presumably, still seeing it as his house because he owns it. Yes, he might overstep boundaries but you have made it easy for him to do that. So I’d speak to DC. In addition, if ex can buy, surely that’s better for all of you? Renting is awful.

I would get ex to help with maintenance and tidying it up. He’s throwing money away by renting that could have been spent on a house or this house. In addition - he is still an owner of the house. You cannot change the locks! You need to be honest about how you feel, get the maintenance done with him, and sell up and move on.

Lock the door?

I remember getting quite bolshy one day after feeling similarly (but with less intrusion) and ex never came inside the house again without an invitation (and I mean over the threshold, not roaming around the house).

I'd also recommend getting your finances separated properly.

Chain on the door? Not locking him out but stopping him walking straight in.

I think maybe you need to say "if you don't quit the intrusive behaviour, we'll have to sell up."

I couldn't live like it.

Project forward six years. The house has deteriorated and needs a lot of money spending on it. The garden is unkempt and out of control. It is not in the most scalable condition. You’re stressed and miserable about it, and have been for six years. The kids may be quite fed up with living in a damp scruffy house with a stressed parent. You have another six years of rice borrowing to put up with.

OR you bite the bullet, sell up and buy something more manageable and affordable sooner rather than later

And it is OK to resent him taking food out of your kitchen, even if it's for the kids.

I think it's a power play and deliberate crossing of boundaries under the guise of "amicable" parenting.

He needs to go to the fucking supermarket like a normal person!

DH wants to rent, I think he prefers it as he is then not responsible for any maintenance etc, and also he is planning long term to move up north, so he didn't want to buy somewhere here then have to sell it and buy again in a few years time.

I've asked him many times to help with maintenance and tidying but he won't. (It was exactly the same when we were living together!)

Yes I probably have made it easy for him to overstep boundaries as I tend to back down as I'm scared of his anger/ passive aggressiveness. But I know I need to work out what my boundaries are and stick to them.

Yes I probably have made it easy for him to overstep boundaries as I tend to back down as I'm scared of his anger/ passive aggressiveness.

Stop blaming yourself for his toxic behaviour.

I vote sell up. Get this guy out of your life as much as possible.

All of this behaviour can be stopped by moving. You have to sort finances and move on. You can lock the door, of course, but living like this for 5 more years is going to undermine your confidence, never mind devalue your house.

@Chasingsquirrels Yes I think I do need to get the finances separated. This whole separation has been such a process - I feel I've just been getting over the grief of the marriage ending but now I have to deal with more of the practical stuff. If I'm being honest I think I've been putting off looking into splitting the finances as I'm worried how I will survive without ex's income (I'm on minimum wage). But if I can buy somewhere small, maybe I can get universal credit to top up my income, and at least I would be free of my ex! At the moment I still feel that he is this big looming presence in my life and I don't want him there!

Yes I also think it's a power play, he was always like this, and it can be very difficult to address. If I ever bring things like this up he'll look hurt or say that I'm the one with the anger problem.

Yes that's what I think, why the hell doesn't he just go to the supermarket, that's what I do if I run out of anything, I don't go round to his to get it!

@GrannyGoggles Those are all good points.
"You have another six years of rice borrowing to put up with." That did make me laugh! But seriously, no I don't want that for the next few years. And the problem is that however many boundaries I put in, I think my ex would be constantly pushing against them which would be bloody exhausting.

Trouble is Op if your agreement is informal then he can change his mind, legally he could move back in or change his mind about selling.
If he won't help with repairs then I'd look to sell sooner, those six years could knock a lot of money off the house price and if he's moving North he'll get a cheaper house easily, you won't.

It is all a process to work through, and sometimes you can only deal with so much.

FWIW I'm still in the former marital home 16 years later, but after the getting bolshy incident above exH took on board what I'd said. My kids were probably about 7 & 4 at the time.
It is very much MY home now, and I don't feel any intrusion.

Your dc are teenagers, he doesn't need to come to the house at all, they can go outside to him.
By the time mine were teens exH would call them when he was 5 mins away so they could be ready & watching out for him when he arrived. Sometimes they'd be taking more stuff (for a holiday or whatever) and he'd come and help carry it out etc. But mostly I never saw him at that stage.

Thank so much for all the comments. It's really helped my clarify my thoughts.

I feel sad for the dc as I know they love this house, but the thought of living like this for the next 6 years with the house deteriorating and ex constantly trying to assert his power is not a future I want!

So I think I'll have to bite the bullet and look at selling up. Actually the first thing is probably to contact a lawyer and look into my finances. Feel so exhausted by everything, but I know I've still got a long way to go...!

Thanks again everyone.

I would look at the practical issues first.House valued,how much mortgage remaining,what could you buy with your equity and your new mortgage.Would this be possible?How much CSA can you expect or 50/50.Start clearing out the house now even a couple of bags a week.Once you have a plan you can look forward. Good luck.

As your dc get older they may prefer living nearer to a village / town as you said you are up a lane l'm presuming rural. You kill yourself maintaining house, garden for 6 years and ex will want to split equally beniffing from your labour. You need a more manageable house. Ex is not expecting you to be decisive, independent and calling it for yourself. Shock him by doing that as it may stop him walking all over you.
Just begin by looking at houses in your area, newer ones, with a small garden. Have an estate agent value your house secretly. Start a plan. Take it a step at a time.