Getting back together after separation

[Nanomummy]

Has anyone done it and what was the outcome? Is it ever possible to restore a marriage after separation?

I've been separated for just over three years. No divorce on the horizon, neither of us has initiated it. It's true that I have felt a massive relief not being in a bad marriage anymore but I am full of regret and sadness. Afaik he hasn't met anyone new. We are friendly but he never talks and acts as if we were never married.

We have one DD (8) who is thriving and accepts the situation of two homes. My guilt and regret is constant and what I'd really like to do is have a conversation with Ex on where we stand and if there was ever a chance to be a family again. Am I stupid to even consider this?

I did this a few years ago. Separated because he was awful and I was miserable. Gave it another go after a year because I felt missed him. Absolutely wish I never tried, he was exactly the same and we quickly ended up in the same miserable pattern we’d been in before. A waste of a year! And it turned the kids lives upside down for a while. When I look back I really regret it, for all involved.

Don’t go back to a bad situation just because you feel bad/guilty/lonely. Maybe you should do some counselling to process how you move forward instead. Going back isn’t usually successful unless both parties do a lot of work to make changes both separately and individually. If you haven’t done that, I doubt things would somehow be better.

I went back to DP. No kids bit together over 2 years snd lived together the last 8 months. I left as I was a maid, ignored and he just lived a single life. We ended up like roommates and I felt an option.

separated 3 months m, I know not long. I missed him. Been together 6 months now in separate houses. Agreed to communicate and be equal. We get in better and intimacy has returned. But still feel like an option. He stays at mine as it’s a better location. He lives rural and I am 10 mins away from the city. I do everything for him and he trays my house like a hotel. He is at mine all this weekend as he had events in the city. I am out with my friends.

I am starting to resent him. Nothing changed except he says it’s my house to keep clean. Not too sure I want this.

my now exh and I tried again and it was awful. All of the problems that caused us to separate were still there.

I saw a therapist when we were a few months separated, but still “seeing” each other and I had started having panic attacks.
After 8 sessions she said “you are here, paying me to help you change for him and what is he doing to change for you?”

it took a worldwide lockdown and some serious health concerns with no support from him to realise that he has not, and will not ever change.

In my experience, reconciliation doesn’t work

I left ex for 6 months.. Shared 3 dc. He persuaded me he had changed. Got back together and got married 10 weeks later. Regretted it within a week. Divorced the week of first anniversary...
Don't go back op. They don't change. Not for the better anyway..

Should also add that when we told our eldest child that we were reconciling, she cried (not happy tears btw)

you need to be really sure if you want to get back with him as it would cause so much confusion and upset for your child. It doesn’t sound like you want actually be with him?

Are you sure that the regret you feel is not for the life you thought you were going to have, rather than the reality of a relationship with him?

I’m on the other side to this. My husband and I separated in 2022. Different to your situation as we were only apart for two months. He initiated it. I knew things weren’t amazing but I was honestly blindsided when he told me he wanted to leave.

I guess it depends on your reasons for wanting to try again. In our case, I was depressed, but I didn’t really realise it. I had kind of lost my spark, lost myself and he just couldn’t really see that person he had fallen in love with. We met young (me 19, him 21), got married three years later and had the first of our three children three years after that. I was a stay at home mum from the birth of our second child in Dec 2012, so the early days were a struggle on one salary. I returned to work when the youngest started school in 2019 but we’ve still struggled financially ever since. Even though our income has increased, the cost of living has outstripped this and it’s just always been hard. So we were struggling financially and we have debts, which had a knock on effect to a lot of things within our marriage. We couldn’t really afford to enjoy ourselves, felt like we were living to work, our sex life wasn’t great and it just felt like we were in a proper rut.

I knew I didn’t want to lose him, I loved him and I wanted to work and get our marriage back on track. Him leaving was actually what I needed to stop burying my head in the sand and make positive steps to improve my mental health so I could make the changes needed to live a better and healthier life. I went to counselling to work on my depression and anxiety, I’m training in something new so I can take the pressure off of him financially as I currently work in childcare and the pay is shocking. In turn I think pushing out of my comfort zone will be good for my self esteem. We’re both paying a lot more attention to our marriage, spending more quality time together and trying to break some of the bad habits we both got in to. We’re two years down the line now and even though we have to work harder these days to make sure things don’t slide, we’re also better than ever in the sense that we’re both committed to making the marriage work and being more considerate and attentive to each other.

Sorry I feel like I waffled a bit there! My point remains though, what are your reasons for wanting to get back together? What was it that made it a bad marriage and can you see those things changing? Do you even want it to change or do you prefer the life you now have on your own? Sending hugs xxxxxx

I did pretty much the same. Separated because he was a prick and emotionally unavailable.

Tried again about 9 months later, because we had small DC and he said the right things, and I felt I couldn't be the one to say, 'No. I've had enough'. I felt I owed it to the DC to try and fix the marriage.

We limped on for another 3 years and then had a very bitter divorce. I just wish I'd ended it the first time when they were younger and less affected.

I think if you've split up for 3 years then don't go back. People fundamentally don't change and the same problems will still be there. In addition, it's harder the second time to actually go. You feel you committed yourself to staying and you can't keep yo-yoing back and forward with kids.

I tried. It took two years for me to forgive and forget and then I found him back on dating apps.