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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've lost myself

9 replies

ThereForTheTaking · 19/10/2024 17:07

I'm pisting this ii relationships because it concerns the relationship have with my partner and the one I have with myself.

I jut feel I've completely lost myself over the past few months. Probably since July/August but I think I could feel it starting before that.

I just feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I can remember who I was but that person has gone. I can't really explain.

For example, I used to go out with my partner every Saturday night. Sometimes on our own and sometimes with people we know. I rarely went out on a Friday because I'm.always tired from work but I always went out and had fun on a Saturday so that I didn't feel like life was just work.

But now, I can't bear to leave the house. I don't feel myself anymore. It's all happened since the summer. My partner has gone out now.for the evening alone with friends because I feel like I don't know how to do it anymore. Like I can remember going out, remember what it was like to be in a familiar pub, I know exactly who will be there but I'm too scared almost to go.

So he's gone out and I'm at home. I have no problem with that but I feel like I have no intention of leaving the house socially ever again.

I don't know what's happened.

OP posts:
Swanbeauty · 19/10/2024 17:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Friandisesmedeer · 19/10/2024 17:13

I'm so sorry to read this ThereForTheTaking
It must feel so confusing

I think a bit more information might allow people to help or advise better so do you mind me asking is this issue related just to your DH and socialising?

I mean are you functioning well otherwise? Working, parenting, going to the supermarket, going out for other reasons?

Are you peri-menopausal? I lost a lot of confidence during the menopause and brain fog is a real thing?

Do you feel well physically?

How is your relationship with your DH otherwise?

Sorry for the endless questions!

ThereForTheTaking · 19/10/2024 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at OP's request.

No. Nothing obvious like that.

I went out one evening and just out of nowhere started to feel a bit anxious and like I shouldn't be there. It's just escalated since then.

When I think about going out? I don't know. I just feel anxious and like I wouldn't know what to do when I got there.

I can remember what it was like to walk into the places, to chat to the landlords, to see a band. No problems. But when I think about it now, I just feel really anxious and I'm not sure I could do it. And I'm too scared to try!

And now, the longer it goes on for the worse it feels.

OP posts:
FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 19/10/2024 17:20

How old are you OP? I think one of the 'symptoms' of peri/menopause is the anxiety when out.
I'm 45 and am increasingly finding myself making excuses not to go out socially and when I am out I rarely want to actually be there... It makes me sad as I used to love going out 😢

Swanbeauty · 19/10/2024 17:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

ThereForTheTaking · 19/10/2024 17:28

Friandisesmedeer · 19/10/2024 17:13

I'm so sorry to read this ThereForTheTaking
It must feel so confusing

I think a bit more information might allow people to help or advise better so do you mind me asking is this issue related just to your DH and socialising?

I mean are you functioning well otherwise? Working, parenting, going to the supermarket, going out for other reasons?

Are you peri-menopausal? I lost a lot of confidence during the menopause and brain fog is a real thing?

Do you feel well physically?

How is your relationship with your DH otherwise?

Sorry for the endless questions!

Work is OK. I have lost a bit of confidence there but it's a new job and a more challenging role. This started before the new job though and I was really looking forward to it. I started it in September but I've been working there a few years so nothing has really changed.

My children are adults. And everything is fine there. My partner does the shoppping I literally get home from work on a Friday and don't leave the house until Monday. It's the only place I really feel safe.

We've still had days out but he suggested somewhere to go to tomorrow and I can't face it. Fortunately, it's an outside place and the weather is looking bad so he's suggested waiting for a better weekend.

We have tickets for something at the end of November. We've had them for months but I'm already dreading it and have been thinking this afternoon about who he could take in my place.

I'm also plagued with thoughts that my partner would be better off without me. His life would be easier and more fun.

OP posts:
ThereForTheTaking · 19/10/2024 17:32

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 19/10/2024 17:20

How old are you OP? I think one of the 'symptoms' of peri/menopause is the anxiety when out.
I'm 45 and am increasingly finding myself making excuses not to go out socially and when I am out I rarely want to actually be there... It makes me sad as I used to love going out 😢

I just feel.scared and overwhelmed.

I've tried thinking that I'll enjoy it when I get there but the last few times ive done that and forceyself to face it and go out, I really haven't.

I ended up crying in a toilet cubicle one night (I can't even begin to tell you how unlike me that is but at least no one knew!) And another night I went out for some fresh air and found myself unable to walk back inside the building. I stayed outside all night.

I'm too scared to push myself in case I get stuck and embarrass myself.

OP posts:
Friandisesmedeer · 19/10/2024 19:03

OK don’t worry op. I hear you.

Take a breath. This is more common than you think.

I should not arm chair diagnose as I am not a HCP but these are classic symptoms of anxiety (which can lead to agoraphobia) and sometimes depression is implicated too.

You either have generalised anxiety causing panic attacks which leads you to avoid the situation and avoidance makes you even more fearful of the situation and it can become an escalating vicious cycle.

Often the first episode happens when you are feeling run down in some way. So do get a medical check and see if you are deficient in bit d, the b vitamins etc, iron etc.

Or this could be a symptom of pre-menopause which can exacerbate anxiety.

These are very old-fashioned in a way now but if you can get hold of any books or recordings by Dr Claire Weekes - I will try and link later - they explain and help with this sort of situation enormously.

Dont worry. It is curable. But the more you avoid the worse it will get. And the longer you leave it without asking for help, the more intractable the problem.

You may need the help of a licensed psychologist specialising in anxiety disorders and agoraphobia. And possibly some ADs or beta blockers to numb the physical sensations of anxiety when you are first going through treatment.

The psychologist will slowly take you through a few exercises gradually building up to doing the things you fear most, but very gradually, at your pace, and they will give you techniques and strategies to help you accept and breathe and allow the fear to wash over you and stay with it until it diminishes. You have to stay with the uncomfortable feeling to allow the treatment to work.

The other thing you need to do is be totally open with your husband and colleagues that you are experiencing this difficulty atm as it’s nothing to be ashamed of - please ask for help - as trying to pretend everything is fine will make your stress levels much worse.

Only tell your dh though if you can trust him to be gentle and understanding with you. How is your relationship with your dh? The reason I ask is that if he is a man who is slightly controlling, this can occasionally, in certain situations, exacerbate these sorts of symptoms.

Finally, one other possibility, this feeling of only feeling safe at home - has this only come on recently since these issues began? The reason I ask is that if it has always been an issue since childhood abd you have always found the outside world too bright, smelly, loud and distracting, then there could be some neurodiversity at play and it’s not classic agoraphobia, in which case you will need a licensed psychologist who specialises in asd or adhd or both

Good luck op. Please don’t feel embarrassed. Reach out for help 💐

Friandisesmedeer · 19/10/2024 19:42

This website lists the helpful books written by the now deceased Dr Claire Weekes

claireweekespublications.com/about-claire.html

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