Second chances and mental health

[MollieMex]

Hi all, NC for this post as it could be identifying, but I’m a regular on Mumsnet and need advice.

A year ago, I started dating a man I’d been friends with for a couple of years. Two months in, he fell into a depressive episode, and I found out he’d secretly been struggling with his mental health for years, untreated and undiagnosed. It quickly became clear he wasn’t in a place for a relationship—he was negative, needy, cynical, and often cutting with his words. I ended up in an emotional caretaker role, and the relationship felt one-sided and draining.

We broke up in June after another hurtful remark, but stayed in touch through mutual friends. Since then, he’s made big changes: got diagnosed, started meds and therapy, quit alcohol, started exercising, and seems like a completely different person—balanced, considerate, and mature. He recently told me he still has feelings for me and hopes we can try again, apologizing for his past behavior and acknowledging how selfish he had been.

I’m torn. I’m still hurt by how he treated me—he knew his mental health was a mess and dragged me into that dark place with him. But I also still have feelings for him, and he seems genuinely different with his depression under control.

Would you give him a second chance?

Nah

No. Been there. Harrowing.

I might. But with caution. Keep it at arms length until he can demonstrate that he really does intend to turn it all around. Caution.

No. Why on earth would you? You know what life will be like with him. Move on. You cannot fix people.

Yes I would. He's done the work on himself. I'd be cautious at first though.

No. There will be another low somewhere down the road and he will blame all of his shitty behaviour on his MH.

He was abusive towards you. You really need some counselling / therapy as you are considering taking him back.

I wouldn't, mainly because he didn't do the work on himself when you were together, despite knowing he was hurting you and draining you emotionally. It's great that he's turned things around now but I'd be frustrated that it took a break up to make him take action after him having used you as an emotional crutch.

To be fair, he put himself on the waiting list to see a psychiatrist a month after his episode started. However there was a 3 months wait so he only got diagnosed around end of May and the relationship ended a couple of weeks later.

So he did technically seek help immediately but it took time to get access and then for the treatment to start working.

Thank you for your advice, but I want to stress that he was not abusive towards me. He was self-centred and emotionally unfiltered, which resulted into him saying indelicate things that hurt me but he was never deliberately mean or aggressive.

My partner was not abusive to me. He shut down and looked through me. Indifference is awful. He bounced back but relapsed again. I am never putting myself through something like that ever again. Nearly broke me. Good luck whatever u decide yo do OP.

Don't assume that just because he seems completely different now it will be permanent. Keep in mind mental health fluctuates. He may well be stable now but there could be situations in the future that trigger relapses where he does fall back again into a dark place. How low those lows will be and how long they last can not be predicted. You could be dragged back into that dark place again.

I would take things slowly, I wouldn't be jumping into a relationship but maybe it's worth reinitiating contact and see whether he's someone you could now be in a relationship with. I'm bipolar and it does put a strain on my relationship at times but we have been together for nearly 20y and episodes are now few and far better because of effective treatment.

Definitely not yet.

Just by timeline.

He knew and didn't do anything about his mental health for years.

You had 2 months of an ok relationship, months of nonsense, you finished it in June which was what 3-4 months ago and only then did he get medical help and start to help himself.

Maybe in a year or so. Maybe.

But after 3 months, not a chance.

How well did you know him as friends before the episode and how was he then? What's the diagnosis, is it something more complex or something such as depression (yes it is tough and complicated in itself but quite well understood and treated compared to many MH issues)?

The comments he made, you say indelicate rather than abusive, were these personal insults you'd struggle to get past or general arsiness that you could accept was part of his low mood in time?

Any blame shifting onto you for his behaviour?

How does he intend to monitor his moods and intervene if he feels himself becoming unwell again?

This doesn't mean he should never have a relationship again, but that doesn't necessarily have to be with you if it no longer feels like an attractive option. What do you actually want?

I actually think it's too soon too, was a bit confused by the timeline. Did he also say why he struggled for years without seeking help?

Been in a similar situation which ultimately failed. He couldn’t maintain any balance in his life and in the good periods we had it turns out he was “self-medicating”. Trying to be what I needed was too stressful for him (I was only asking for honestly & reliability nothing more than that). I have a great life and my one boundary is that anyone who comes into my life needs to enhance it not complicate it. I’m not unsympathetic but sometimes you have to put yourself first and think about your needs and your happiness.

Nope. I took him back multiple times. I had no self esteem in the end.

Yes definitely the potential to try again is not for right now, but maybe a few months down the line. Perhaps next year, once he has a longer stretch of time being stable and doing therapy/ treatment.

I think we feel very strongly about each other, otherwise it would be so much easier to just move on.

Usual narrative, was ashamed to admit to himself and others that he was struggling so he went years being miserable in secret and putting up a facade for the rest of the world.

I think he has suffered on and off with this since he was a teen, with long stretches of feeling fine and then depressive episodes that he waited out.

He seems to have finally taken responsibility now and he is very serious about his recovery, engaging with therapy and all.

We knew each other well as friends in the same group but obviously I didn't know about this massive side of him so with the benefit of hindsight it wasn't a close friendship.

He was diagnosed with clinical depression and immediately put on meds + therapy at the end of May. Within a month or two his symptoms lifted and he is now a totally different person, stable, thoughtful, balanced. The change is quite staggering.

He expects to be in treatment for a long while now, thankfully he really likes his psychiatrist (she is also a psychotherapist so he does therapy with her too). I don't think he has a plan for what happens afterwards but it is a couple of years away most likely.

He has not blamed me for any of his behaviors, then or now. He had a lot of clarity about this being a "him" problem. He was and still is mortified about how unfairly he treated me. I am not sure of what I want to do tbh.

I still feel strongly about him and that happens rarely for me. However the experience of dating him was awful so I am scared of ending up in the same situation.

Just be careful op. I think you are wise to delay a year. Especially if it has the potential to become very serious with a future involving children. I’m sympathetic too but parenting with someone who has mh issues is far from easy.

This along with, the experience of dating him was awful so I am scared of ending up in the same situation.

why do you think you have strong feelings for him or even considering a relationship with him down the line?

the experience of dating him was awful. That was your lived experience.

what have your past relationships been like that the experience of dating him was awful is something you want to revisit? Was it less awful than other relationships youve had?