I love him but I'm losing faith

[gingerandpeppermint]

I'm 30 years old, my boyfriend 28.

We hit two years last month and it has been the best relationship I've ever had. He is everything I've ever wanted; my best friend, funny, attractive, attentive, truth worthy, patient, kind, loving and so much more. I have never had a relationship this long so unsure if this would be classed as red flag or rough patch.

My boyfriend lives with his family. There's 5 of them altogether. The youngest being 24. They seem unhealthily bonded whereby the mom still does the washing, dishes and basically everything else for them. They are all close-knit and even speak daily on a group chat even though they see eachother everyday.
My boyfriend is actually extremely self sufficient though, sorting out our holidays, plans and will cook and clean extremely well voluntarily when hes over at my place, he has had jobs in management too and has had a goal to get a nice house.
The issue is he hasn't mentioned once about moving in together (I've lived alone for 3yrs). I have a tiny studio and must confess, it wouldn't be ideal for either of us to share it as it is far too small. He says he is saving for us to get a house but states he wants to get married first (did I mention were not even engaged?). All of my friends believed he would have asked me to marry him by now as we are so fond of eachother and have been in love from basically the first month we met..I believe with my heart that he loves me and he accidentally opened a section in his phone notes a year ago where he had our wedding guest list, songs, ideas etc and was embarrassed to admit that he often writes stuff in it for our wedding day..

A few months before our 2nd Yr anniversary he phoned me whilst on a stag do and a friend in the back asked if he could be my boyfriends best man to which, shockingly my boyfriend said "haha wowwww, definitely NOT thinking of that, slow down!!!!". After confronting him later that evening I questioned if he'd even thought about engagement to which he said "1000% but not for a few years".
Ultimately this has been on the back of my head for the last 6 months and I've cried intermittently feeling like I've been somewhat lead on but my boyfriend constantly disputes this. He says had an extremely stressful 2 years at work, savings for around 10 years which he wants to fork out well, a very thorough social life and that I'm his first serious relationship and that he isn't sure what move to make next and when he should do these things...

I have been fine knowing he refers to me as his wife and future mother to his kids(we talk about this constantly and he recently stated he wants to have a baby with me).. but seeing as were past 2 years I've begun to lose faith in us and have urges to succumb to my old life of travelling, writing and everything I've put off thinking we would be striving to focus on one another financially.

I don't want to lose him or to end us and just need to know that fighting for this is the right thing to do

Don't ditch the relationship yet but get on with your travelling, writing etc. In othrr words have your own life too. See how things go.

I get it I really do but you are in box ticking mode but he clearly didn’t get your timeline memo. It’s time to have a grown up conversation about the future, don’t be one of those many women who wait for the man to initiate conversations about their futures.

His family relationships sound claustrophobic and you would be an idiot to get engerd to someone with his family dynamic without living it and without the ‘box ticking’ mindset.

Time for a frank discussion, OP.

"DP, I'm concerned that we don't want the same things in life and that if we stay together I will run out of time to have the kind of life I want. I'm 30. I want to be living with my partner with a view to marriage and kids. I probably have good fertility right now, but if I want to make sure I'm not leaving it too late to have kids, I ideally need to start trying by the time I'm 33 at the latest. That way, if I try for two years and have no luck, I can start IVF at age 35 and still have a good chance of success. I'm afraid you're moving too slowly for me. You don't even want to live together yet, you say you want to get married first but you don't want to get engaged yet, and I'm supposed to just accept that you're the one setting the timescale. But I can't allow you to be the one who sets the timescale because I'm the one whose biological clock is starting to tick, not you. I will resent you forever if we cling on for another five years and then I end up single at 35 and having to start again, knowing I may well have left it too late to meet someone else in time to have kids. I want to move in together within the next 6 months, get married in 2026, and start trying for a baby soon after that. Take a couple of weeks to think about whether you can commit to my timescale. If you can't, let's part as friends and go our separate ways."

That about sums it up!
Don't let him fob you off! - either you are on the same page or you are not. YOu need to show him your page.

Yes agree with this ^^

Op... when you say,

"but seeing as were past 2 years I've begun to lose faith in us and have urges to succumb to my old life of travelling, writing and everything I've put off thinking we would be striving to focus on one another financially."

Tbh I don't know why you can't continue writing now? Or go on trips with girlfriends? The way it's written it sounds like you aren't saving ATM? So what's stopping you?

Also, excellent advice from Piggled down thread

Well with hindsight, I'd say you do need to know if this is going anywhere. I'm old now but I started trying to conceive (having got married at 32) at 33, and to cut a long story short, never had my own children. Back then I had only vaguely thought about the biological clock and having had an accidental pregnancy in my mid 20s whilst on the pill, assumed anyway that I was very fertile.

It would be different if there were concrete plans with steps to you being able to live together. (Though I still believe it's best to marry before starting a family). But that doesn't seem to be the case. I had an ex where we used to look in estate agents or see a nice house and say we would buy it. We didn't mean it, at least, I knew I didn't.

I had a partner that called me his future wife from really early on (even called me Mrs his surname). It's a technique to make you feel more secure. No ring, and it fell apart within 6 months of us living together!

I think you should have certain conversations with him. In these convos cover things like what is his timeline for moving together, getting married, having children. What are his future plans for himself and you. What are your timelines and plans. How are you doing together as a couple etc. then you can make decision if you stick around or walk away.

I think the problem is he’s 2 years younger but that’s actually a bigger gap than it sounds because in my experience men take longer to be ready for marriage and kids. Very few men in my circle married at 28. Most were 30+. They all went to uni it’s more usual to marry younger if you didn’t but otherwise by the time you finish education and get established in a career you are often nearer 30. You shouldn’t put off plans to travel etc I ended up with a disabled child and very relieved I travelled and lived life in my 20’s as I had never had the chance again. I wouldn’t take banter with his mates as being accurate.

This...

... and this.