How do I get over him and move on?

[Gownsandteas]

Hello everyone,

NC.

I have been with my son's dad on and off for the past 15 years. We have a 13 year old son. We have always lived apart from each other- more so because we were very young (initially) and due to his emotional abuse at the time, I was worried it may eventually turn physical if we ever moved in.

My son's dad has completely changed. Learnt the errors of his ways and has not been emotionally abusive since. We are still living apart but recently he has discussed that he wants more children, because he is 33 and time is going fast. (I am 30). I told him that I would not consider any more DC's unless we get married first and move in together. But he just goes silent when I mention this. I also told him that I want to be celibate until marriage as I was tired of spending time at his having sex...watching movies... but there is no movement /progression in our relationship. He doesn't take me out (unless he has money), he doesn't contact me throughout the week...only texts me in the night for a chat or texts me to come to his and blocks me from contacting him if he feels I have upset him in any way.

So, me telling him that I wanted to be celibate did not go down well. He told me that I am "...being childish" and that he would "find someone else to have children with". He also said that I shouldn't blame him if "he goes on to have children with anyone else". In response to this, I told him that he knows my thoughts about marriage and this is a deal breaker for me and it's best if we go on our separate ways. He then proceeded to say that if he does go on to have children with somebody else, then I am not allowed to marry or have children with anyone else and then he hanged up the phone and blocked me again.

Am I in the wrong?

Omg, he sounds vile! Why on earth would you even contemplate staying with him, much less marrying him?!
You're well rid. Please only have contact with him about your child. And please work on your self esteem and move on to find someone you're deserving of. He sounds absolutely awful!

read this book

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You’re right to end the relationship. You’re 1000% right not to have any more children with him. He prob only wants more children with you to keep you where you are because your child is now a teenager and you will be able to start having a life for yourself and where will he be then when you meet someone else who treats you right and does want to marry you, etc? He wants keep you as his booty call. Because that’s what you are. He doesn’t do anything with you except have sex. The minute you told him you won’t do that anymore, he’s threatened you, he’s tried to manipulate you and thinks he can control whether or not you’re allowed to have another relationship when this one is over.

Dont go back to him.

No it sounds like he is still being emotionally abusive.

But it is so difficult. I want to marry and have children but I just feel that time is not on my side. Plus I keep going back to my son's dad, which is why the relationship has been on and off for so many years. How can I break this pattern?

How to break the pattern? You need to really listen to what you both want. You and he want very different things so either one of you has to completely change what they want (and not resent the other person) or you need to separate.
You deserve to have a husband who treats you well. You have another ten years to meet someone, marry and have children, 30 really isn't old.

Start by reading the book I linked in my previous comment.

Also listen to this YouTube link n self esteem.

You're only 30 years old. I didn’t marry my husband until I was 40 and now have a toddler to him. You have plenty of time. And regardless, you shouldn’t just be with him because a) you’re afraid of the time, b) you’re used to him and haven’t been with anyone else or c) because you think you can’t do any better. He’s abusive. Why would you accept that? The issue in that respect lies within you. You need to work with a counsellor to understand why you are willing to accept this. Let me be clear, no-one deserves to be abused, ever. But you have to learn why you’ve ended up in this situation, why you think you don’t deserve any better, why you would even entertain marrying him and having more children.

Why do you want to get married? Is it because you think it’s something you should do? Wanting to get married is fine but just marrying anybody, who’s unworthy of you is not. Get married for the right reasons to the right person, at the right time. Don’t just marry this monster because of fear. That’s entirely the wrong reason to get married. And it won’t change anything. In fact, it will likely make the abuse worse as he will feel he has you trapped.

It’s hard because it’s been going on for so long, you know nothing else, you’re self esteem is very low and you’re trauma bonded. Look it up.

You still have time, but you're not going to meet anyone ( better) if you keep going back to him. Being on your own with one child is infinitely preferable to being tied by marriage, or children, to this man.