Will I ever move on?

[Rach97]

Hi,
Im not really sure what I’m looking for advice wise but I was hoping to maybe find some stories from others who have been through the same thing.

I’ve been single just under 2 years and I was with my ex for 9 years. The relationship broke down because he was abusive , we were engaged but he never thought I was ‘wife material’ enough to get married. Bought a house together and a dog.

I went through hell with him but I also loved him more than anything , always thinking it would be different. Eventually I had to move out for my safety , I’ve had to rent and he’s still in the house.

The house has been up for sale nearly a year and it took him 5 months to agree to put it up.
Hes now moved on with a girl 12 years younger than him and she’s been staying a lot at the house.
Since finding this out I feel like I’ve been pulled back into a bad place that I can’t get myself out of.

i don’t feel like I’m ever going to move on. I’ve tried dating but it always goes wrong , meeting the wrong men. Now he’s moved on and i feel devastated that someone else is in my house , in my bed and spending time with my dog that I had to leave behind. I can’t even buy my own place because my name is on the mortgage- he’s awkward about offers and won’t take my name off the mortgage.

why am I still feeling like this? I was feeling positive and now I just feel back to square one - heartbroken and questioning what’s wrong with me that he was so awful yet has managed to move on.

You are most likely feeling this way because his new woman is living your life in your house. But don't forget that he was abusive and in your own words you went through hell with him. Of course at the moment he is on his best behaviour with his girlfriend but it's unlikely to last when he shows his true colours.
It sounds like you need to get involved in the house sale, he delayed initially and it appears he is dragging his heels now. If you haven't already then you need to contact a solicitor for advice on getting your share of the property.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

read this book.

Do the freedom programme.
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Sit down and write out a list of every single time he was abusive to you. Everything he said that hurt you. Every time he belittled you. As much as you can remember and include how it made you feel. Read it back to yourself whenever you feel weak and remind yourself how lucky you are to be away from him.

Don’t envy is new gf. Feel sorry for her. He will be abusive to her too. It’s not you or her, it’s him. He’s an abuser and they never change. Ever.

Speak to a lawyer regarding the sale of the house.

Contact women’s aid for support because you’ve been through a lot and you need people who understand. They can also signpost you to help with any legal issues and maybe even recommend counselling for you.

I think it’s a good idea to have some counselling. You’ve been abused for a long time. You should be supported to come to terms with that so you’re able to move on in a healthy way.

I wouldn’t advise getting into a new relationship atm. Do the work on yourself first to understand why you ignored the red flags. Why you were attracted to this man in the first place. Why when dating you’ve been attracted to the wrong men. There will be reasons, most likely routed in self esteem issues acquired in childhood or younger years. That’s ok, you just need a little support with that and once you understand it, it will be easier to meet the right man down the line.

You might want to also listen to this. It’s a wonderful book on self esteem.

OP I understand this. But remember this is who he is.

Behind closed doors and with time he will be who he is. The mask will slip and she will go through similar if not worse.

She hasn’t got your life it was bad enough you had to leave and no he hasn’t changed for her. She will have the same highs and lows you went through.

I am going through similar and there is this saying about slot machines that I think rings true for this.

They say when you struggle to move on from an abusive relationship and with the news that they are with someone new, you often feel that they will get what you wanted or that you put in so much and put up with all that you did and they will reap the rewards.

Like a slot machine they will get the pay out. But it’s just not true.

You are winning you are out. You have a new life and you are healing in the healthier way which takes longer. Like you, I tried a couple of dates and realised I’m not ready and it’s easier to think they are doing better as they have a relationship but the chances are they didn’t heal and will repeat the same patterns whilst you will break them.

You’ve got this. You are free and can meet someone healthy and be happy.

He hasn’t found a new girlfriend, he’s found a new victim.

Speak to a solicitor about forcing a sale.

This is so true. Especially in the case when they move on quickly or there is a clear power imbalance.