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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"Friends" with the ex...

16 replies

woebetide8 · 19/10/2024 09:39

So, I've been seeing someone for a few months who texts with his ex quite a lot. They were together for 12 years (no kids) split up four years ago, but she got back in contact shortly after we started dating. I don't mind him being friends with an ex at all BUT he's been to meet up with her without telling me (as in we spent the night together after they'd had lunch that day, and he talked about his day and omitted to mention that, I found out months later), and hasn't told her that I exist. It is the latter that is bothering me. He says "we just don't talk about that stuff"... If I raise it, he tells me that I have trust issues. Am I being untrusting, or unreasonable to expect him to tell this "friend" of his, who is "like family to him" that he has a partner? I know that his ex wife had a real issue with his first love ex being in his life and in the end it broke them up (which reached boiling point when they all went out to dinner and the two women had a huge fight)... and he's asked me if I'd like to go out to dinner with X and him, as if they are the couple and I'm the guest. I decided not to subject myself to that little ego bump for him; two women hustling for first position. He tells the same boring stories about her on a loop, to the point where I have had to tell him to stop, so now he tells them with her name omitted. Do some men just need the validation of an ex in the background? Am I being untrusting or unreasonable?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 19/10/2024 09:47

That would be a huge no for me. If they shared kids then it’s different and I think staying friends with the other parent of your child is a good thing but this sounds like triangulation.

The fact he’s not told her he’s got a partner would make me wonder if they really are as separated as he claims.

You’re not being unreasonable at all - personally I’d be walking away from this drama and not playing the pick me game.

Loadsapandas · 19/10/2024 09:50

I think some men just like to play women off each other, allows them to have the upper hand as each woman doesn’t want him running to the other.

However his intentions don’t really matter, it’s a short term relationship, the package (his behaviour/standards) doesn’t work for you so just keep walking.

ImNoSuperman · 19/10/2024 09:52

It's only been a few months and you're a placeholder while he tries to get back with his ex. She suddenly got back in touch when you started dating, she knows you exist.

Throw this one back, he doesn't respect you.

gooodnews · 19/10/2024 09:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Dollychopsporkchops · 19/10/2024 09:53

He’s hiding you and then gaslighting you that it’s normal and you’re the weird one.

Being friends with an ex is a red flag
hiding that he’s meeting her is a red flag
not telling her about you is a red flag
gaslighting and manipulating you into thinking it’s normal is a red flag

leave!

Moonshiners · 19/10/2024 09:54

I am easy about DH being friends with an ex. But not lying and not telling her about me!
Fuck that

Wherehasallthetimegone · 19/10/2024 09:57

Well they obviously still have feelings for each other. And if he is hiding his meetings with her he is showing he is not trustworthy. It begs the question whatelse is is he not being open about?

I think unless you want to be the third wheel.in their relationship you should end things with him.

woebetide8 · 19/10/2024 10:19

Wherehasallthetimegone · 19/10/2024 09:57

Well they obviously still have feelings for each other. And if he is hiding his meetings with her he is showing he is not trustworthy. It begs the question whatelse is is he not being open about?

I think unless you want to be the third wheel.in their relationship you should end things with him.

Well... we've been dating for ten months and I have not met any of his friends yet. So "what else is he not being open about" is a question that I am starting to ask. His response is just "my friends are all work people and I keep work and relationships separate". I have introduced him to my kids, my family and my friends. As I type this... I feel that perhaps I have been a right idiot...

OP posts:
Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 19/10/2024 10:28

It isn't so much the friendship - 12 years is a long time. It's more the fact that he meets up with her and doesn't mention it to you. I mean, maybe he thinks that you would read into it too much and become upset - hence his suggestion of dinner with her - but, just "no" from me. I don't think that I would really want another woman being THAT important to him - especially without children - to the extent that he lies when he sees her.

Friendships are fine. Lying is not. All the best.🏵

Wherehasallthetimegone · 19/10/2024 10:35

woebetide8 · 19/10/2024 10:19

Well... we've been dating for ten months and I have not met any of his friends yet. So "what else is he not being open about" is a question that I am starting to ask. His response is just "my friends are all work people and I keep work and relationships separate". I have introduced him to my kids, my family and my friends. As I type this... I feel that perhaps I have been a right idiot...

You said his ex didn't know about you.
If he doesn't want you meeting his friends then it looks like they probably don't know about you either.
So it sounds as though he wants to appear as if he is not in a relationship. Whatever the reason is it I don't think it says a lot for his trustworthiness or his regard for you and your relationship.

NewDogOwner · 19/10/2024 10:35

You know.

woebetide8 · 19/10/2024 10:45

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 19/10/2024 10:28

It isn't so much the friendship - 12 years is a long time. It's more the fact that he meets up with her and doesn't mention it to you. I mean, maybe he thinks that you would read into it too much and become upset - hence his suggestion of dinner with her - but, just "no" from me. I don't think that I would really want another woman being THAT important to him - especially without children - to the extent that he lies when he sees her.

Friendships are fine. Lying is not. All the best.🏵

Yes I agree that friendships are fine. I am friends with my ex husband who I have kids with, interestingly this BF got jealous when my ex spent a family occasion at my house for the afternoon and mentioned it sulkily a few times... hypocrite!

OP posts:
woebetide8 · 19/10/2024 10:50

ImNoSuperman · 19/10/2024 09:52

It's only been a few months and you're a placeholder while he tries to get back with his ex. She suddenly got back in touch when you started dating, she knows you exist.

Throw this one back, he doesn't respect you.

We met in January but I wanted to take it real slow as I'd had some bad experiences, and we both dated other people (mutual agreement) until June when we had the talk and agreed to be exclusive. He's been meeting/talking to her since the February/March, which does not feel like a coincidence given their four year break...

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 19/10/2024 10:54

Gosh, another bloke who hasn't introduced his new girlfriend to his friends and family. MN is awash with them lately.

OP it sounds like he's still with her, and you're an OW.

Demand to meet his friends and see what happens.

woebetide8 · 19/10/2024 11:00

TheShellBeach · 19/10/2024 10:54

Gosh, another bloke who hasn't introduced his new girlfriend to his friends and family. MN is awash with them lately.

OP it sounds like he's still with her, and you're an OW.

Demand to meet his friends and see what happens.

If he is still with her he's not even making an effort to cover it up. The other day he said she'd asked him what car she should buy! If I am the other woman, it's pretty bold to pretend she's just a friend... I have demanded to meet his friends, and his response was to tell me a boring story about how another ex ended up with one of his friends after they broke up. He answers every question with a boring and not quite related story, never directly answers me; it's frustrating. Again, as I type I realise that I have probably been an idiot.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 19/10/2024 13:26

woebetide8 · 19/10/2024 11:00

If he is still with her he's not even making an effort to cover it up. The other day he said she'd asked him what car she should buy! If I am the other woman, it's pretty bold to pretend she's just a friend... I have demanded to meet his friends, and his response was to tell me a boring story about how another ex ended up with one of his friends after they broke up. He answers every question with a boring and not quite related story, never directly answers me; it's frustrating. Again, as I type I realise that I have probably been an idiot.

Edited

Oh darling.
You haven't been an idiot at all.

He's just been sneaky.

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