Severe anxiety about son

[ChocolateRoll]

I know this isn't the right section but you guys have helped me (under different usernames) so much I thought I'd come here for support. I hope that's ok.

My son is autistic. He is 5 years old, non verbal, not toilet trained etc. He's an absolute joy and delight. He lives with me 70% and 30% with his dad. The issue I'm having is I've got anxiety about him being with his dad. We don't get on and I feel helpless as I can't ask my son what he's done with daddy etc. I worry he also doesn't understand where I am when he is at his dad's. He's my shadow at home.

This has only really started since he started school. I feel like I'm losing it. I worry about him constantly and I can't shake it. I feel terribly guilty that somehow it's all my fault he's affected as badly as he is with his autism and learning disabilities (moderate to severe). He used to love nursery but the transition to school has been more bumpy than I expected with tantrums and crying on seeing his uniform. It breaks my heart.

Does anyone have any idea how I can help myself please? I can't continue as I'm feeling panicky far too much now and it's affecting me mentally and physically every day.

Sounds like you need to see the GP to explain all you’ve said here. It sounds like you’re very self aware, and are open to help, which is good.
Try and use your time without DS positively, go to a gym class or enjoy shopping/coffee without having to consider him

What does your ex say? Have you asked him what they do together? Take a deep breath, and ask, so you know, for example, if DS will be tired when he gets home, or hungry or ready for bed. Share similar information with your ex. You can manage to share that sort of information amicably between you, even if via messenger or email.

And talk to the school. Ask for weekly feedback. Was there anything DS particularly enjoyed? Anything he reacted badly to? Any skills he's learning that you could practise?

The more you know, the easier it will be to manage the anxiety.

Hi there, others with greater experience will be along soon. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. What jumps out at me is that your son has very high levels of need, and for your own mental and physical health you will need support from other people for decades to come.

I think from your post you can see yourself that for very understandable reasons this is a form of separation, which is similar to what many parents feel.

In addition to the question of whether you can get to a place of better communication with his Dad (which may or may not be possible) in the interests of sharing information, can you find a way to invest in yourself a bit when your son is not with you? Please don’t spend all the time off that you get working, doing chores or just feeling so bad that you don’t do anything for yourself

It sounds like the move to school has unsettled your son, which in turn has unsettled you. That is completely understandable given the complexity of your situation and how much your soon needs you to help regulate his emotions. I think the time he is spending with his dad is a red herring and I would try to shift your focus away from that.

I try not to ask too many questions from the ex. I don't ever get straight answers and it makes me feel even worse. He's a difficult person. I have given up of hope of a normal co -parenting relationship.

The school have been fantastic. They are a special needs school and they understand the situation. I am receiving support from them.

I have a DS free weekend this weekend and I have some nice plans to look forward to. Plus chores.