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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Evasive argumentative partner

6 replies

Justpeachy88 · 19/10/2024 08:28

Just recently, since an argument with my partner weeks ago things seem to have been going downhill. I’m kind of to blame for this as I’m pretty hurt and I can feel that I’ve cooled off toward him, I’d hoped things would get back to normal in a couple of weeks but now I’m not so sure as I’ve noticed most interactions we have I come away feeling annoyed, dismissed or confused. I understand he’s hurt that I’ve cooled off and there hasn’t been any physical affection between us so he feels rejected. Started calling me uptight. But I can’t get back to the way I was with him because of the interactions.

The other day I asked if later on in the day he could help me carry this heavy box from my car (it had been there for weeks and I’d already asked a few times before) he said ‘maybe’, I said oh ok, if you don’t want to I can ask someone else, he said maybe, maybe not. Very vague. He then did it without me knowing then had a go at me hours later and called me ungrateful because I didn’t notice, even though the box was now in the garage and I hadn’t been in there. Told him this but he thinks I’m lying. Asked does he fancy going out for something to eat at the weekend, maybe. I said well I could do with knowing so I can plan, he said the same thing, maybe we will, maybe we won’t.

His son goes to rugby and it’s been heavy rain here, I asked whether the match was still on and he asked me, why would it be cancelled? I said some other games have been cancelled because of the rain and he rants at me for a good few minutes stating all the reasons it hasn’t and won’t be cancelled as though it was a stupid thing for me to ask.

Sounds a bit daft now I’m writing it down but it’s exhausting, I’m just trying to get things back to normal and every interaction leaves me mentally tired wondering how it got from a simple question to me feeling like a child being told off. I come away feeling shit. Not sure how to deal with it, any advice would be great as I’ve tried all I can think of and it isn’t getting any better!

OP posts:
Velvian · 19/10/2024 08:35

He sounds like a childish, unpleasant arsehole.

Arrange to go for a meal with a friend. Longer term it doesn't sound workable. Do you think his son's mum had to put up with a lot of unkind and selfish treatment from him?

nottaotter · 19/10/2024 08:38

It doesn't sound daft at all. I would guess your partner has self esteem issues amongst other problems, im sure he doesn't question, belittle etc his boss.

He feels fine doing it with you and gets a weird sense of satisfaction/boost from deliberately confusing you and putting you on the back foot.

However his issues are not your responsibility and it is incredibly unfair of him to treat you like this. Can you sit him down away from the house and calmly explain things and see his reaction? If he can't start behaving in an emotionally mature manner and genuinely understand why what he is doing is out of order then I would end the relationship and move on.

Relationships don't have to be perfect, but at the core they should be based on respect, trust and supportive communication.

pictoosh · 19/10/2024 08:48

It's not daft. He plays mind games with you to create a reason to be unpleasant. He's also openly contemptuous of you...even asking an innocent, relevant question is an excuse to sneer. You're not being daft at all. You're being canny...you know it isn't right.

So this sort of shit is insidious...you're contantly on the back foot, can't get anything right. Your face will be wrong, your tone will be wrong...you'll be oversensitive etc.

It's all about control. Controlling you, controlling the atmosphere.

pictoosh · 19/10/2024 08:53

He's evasive because he gets a little buzz out of making you wait for resolution.
Move the box for me? Maybe.
Control.

"I’ve noticed most interactions we have I come away feeling annoyed, dismissed or confused."

Yes. He's a mindfuck.

Justpeachy88 · 19/10/2024 11:05

Thank you for the replies. I’m not sure about his ex to be honest and he’s no boss as he works for himself.

I think the control thing might be right, I just didn’t see it before, it’s only the last few weeks a switch has come on. Like walking ahead of me everytime we’re out. I’ll ask who’s driving when we’re going out and it’s always ‘me’. No ‘do you want to?

It’s things with the kids too, like he’ll say to them that I’ve said I’ll take them to McDonald’s for example, they’ll get all excited and I’ll have to break the news that I’ve actually bought dinner to make and never said that and disappoint them or go along to not let them down. Or he’ll tell them I said they can’t do something when I haven’t. I don’t get it and it’s driving me mad but if I say something I’m overreacting or it’s just a joke.

OP posts:
YellowRoom · 19/10/2024 11:08

He's nasty to you and he's weaponising the children.

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