Breakup after 22 years

[Ladybirdlili]

Me and my husband have separated...we got together when I was 15 and been together 23 years.
We have three kids and been married. This year has been torture with him investing time with a female coworker and silencing me since I found out about his investments we argued even tho he said he had stopped but made no investment in me. Since then he said he didn't love me the same way( probably because he broke me so much) so he left. I'm left to try and see if I can afford to live in the house with the kids.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm heartbroken. I've never had a breakup in my life and feel I can't breath. I want to just get on with it all but feel I can't ...

Your husband is a scumbag. You need to get practical. Who owns the house? Or whose name is on the lease? Find out the legalities and make sure he can’t come back and turf you and/or the children out. He deserted you for another woman. I wouldn’t put anything past him. How are the kids coping? You need to forget about him and focus on you and the kids. Start divorce proceedings and get on to cms and make sure he’s paying maintenance for the children. If you’re struggling financially, check to see if you’re entitled to any benefits. Check on turn to me.
I know it’s hard and you’re heartbroken but let me tell you something, it gets better. It really does. You will get through this. Do you have friends or family you can talk to and ask for support? You’re better off without that ratbag anyway. Well done for coming here to ask for support. Broken hearts are hard but they mend. You’ll be alright. You’re just in shock. Give it some time. Self care. Do things you enjoy to lift your spirits. Watch movies that make you laugh. Go out with the girls or have them over for a girls night. When you start to feel bad listen to some music that is euphoric. Treat yourself to your favourite food. Get a new hairdo, massage, nails done. Boost yourself. Not for anyone but yourself. However that looks for you, do it. And do it right away. Don’t wallow. Inertia is your worst enemy right now. Make moves, however small.

I am so sorry this happened to you
It happened to me after 34 years of marriage.
Blindsided and out of the blue
He is now with OW and behaving like a child - no respect, no understanding that he blew up our life,
You need to put yourself first as much as you can, it’s exhausting because dealing with it all takes so much energy
The best bit of advice I got was - he is not your friend
Be prepared for the weird and varied ways he will deal with you eg angry, little boy lost, tearful - honestly I never know what version of him I will get when he contacts.
Get a good solicitor- it will cost but it’s necessary to be ahead of the game
If you can get some counselling that helps as well
Eat well, exercise and lean on friends
Not everyone will be sympathetic and some will feel torn between the 2 of you so beware of what you say and to whom.
Remove anything of personal value from your home - anything he will use as leverage ( advice from the solicitor)
I put cameras up in the house
i also use my phone to record him when he visits - this came in handy when he was aggressive ( police were fine with this)

I am not many months down the line but I see the value of putting yourself first - sleep, go for a walk etc
Be prepared for this to be a rollercoaster but as best you can stay calm
Everyone said he would be back - mine has made half hearted attempts thinking I would forgive and forget easily, all whilst living with his OW

This is an awful situation to live with especially after so many years. Be prepared to meet a man you have never met before - sorry to say that and I lived in hope for too long that it was not the case but realised the truth as he played multiple characters every time he made contact

I wish you all the very best in the coming months

Thank you both, I feel so alone in this. I have plenty of friends and family for support but I'm feeling so lost x

Sorry I have not been in touch - I was away and no internet!

It will get nasty and it will get dirty - I was told this 12 weeks ago and had no idea what the reality of that meant.

I think their guilt makes them behave as utter bastards - and he will do anything to goad you, get a rise from you etc etc
So have a few good friends around
Be cared who you tell what to
look after you
Do not be fooled by any ‘nice behaviours’

Decide what you want in life and look after yourself

Sorry you are going through this. I’ve been there and it is horrible. It’s so utterly devastating and so overwhelming.

You have to focus on one day at a time. Get some legal advice. Take comfort in your friends. Make sure you eat even if it’s only a little bit.

It’s shock then a kind of grief that you are going through and I think it helps to recognise it as such. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself with care. Think about yourself and the DC only (not him he will be thinking only about himself).

It does get better honestly it really does, it just takes time.

Can I just thank you all for taking the time to reply to my message.
Nearly a month on and I'm doing ok, taking alot of your advice which has been a literal godsend.

My ex is someone I have never known now and makes it easy as I'm grieving for the old him. The new version is a complete stuck up cocky idiot.

But thank you from the bottom of my heart for the advice xx

Glad to hear you are doing ok - be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions
I am now at week 14 and it’s still hard
You are totally right the man you now know ( who was there all along) is a stranger to the truth and to your history. They do this to make themselves feel justified and to blame you - because God forbid they take accountability for what they have done

Stay strong and sending you love and strength

I am so sorry @Ladybirdlili - when I split with my ex H ( my decision) when I was 28 - having known him since I was 15 he was apparently devastated-within 3 months, new woman on the scene- and I became the invisible woman- he was a different person and not that nice - I've come to the conclusion with lots of men that they are either 100% in or fully out and if someone else comes on the scene then you just become 'someone I used to know' - it's sad but thats how some people including some women cope

I just wanted to thank you all again. You helped me so much when my world was so dark. Life is so much better and things are in place ...roll on when I get the divorce through but still!
Your advice was exactly what I needed and I'm forever grateful x
X

@Ladybirdlili really good to hear that lovely .

So happy to hear you're well. Hope things are alot better for you xx

Im so sorry my 27 years with ex ended on our 27th anniversary when i caught him and the ow in a car. Even now he has sly digs at me. The divorce is well under way now. It still hurts and he was all I knew really since we were 18. Also have 2 children he seemingly doesn't give a shit about and does the bare minimum so he looks like good dad in the ow eyes.
No real advice other than dont hide emotions.. let them out. I tended to int he shower as my eldest would get distressed seeing me upset.
Get legals sorted out. Look for a local solicitor or a mckenzie friend if funds are tight. Write a list of things you need to do and tick them off. Its so hard doijg life admin when you feel broken and traumatised but im glad I filed for divorce the day after I caught them otherwise id feel worse. Doesn't help that rhe law states you need 6 months cooling off period so it drags on.
Sort quickly. Lean on any divorced friends..
Join the chump nation Facebook group
As well as the Infidelity fb and reddit groups. I got so much support from them.