Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Breakup with newborn

9 replies

Ks477 · 18/10/2024 22:12

Ive just broken up with my ex, we have a 5 week old baby. We were together 2 years but most of it was long distance, we didn't move in together until I was in the third trimester of pregnancy which I regret now because Ive realised I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. He lied to me several times during my pregnancy including twice about drugs. I tried to make things work after that but I never could trust him again, he also was unhelpful during the last few weeks of my pregnancy when I could barely walk as I had bad pelvic girdle pain, I was still doing all of the housework myself.

Once baby was born he wasn't much more helpful, he did the washing up most days and the laundry sometimes and that was it. I couldn't trust him to look after the baby after his lies plus some other stuff like he is very clumsy, forgetful and absent minded. So he spent his paternity leave just playing computer games.

After all that I felt very resentful and couldn't stand to be around him anymore and we broke up, he moved out this week to a flat nearby. We agreed he would come round several times a week to see the baby and he came round this evening and basically spent the entire time talking about our relationship and how much he misses me and how depressed he is blah blah, also made a few nasty comments like that he thinks I should have stayed with him even though he lied because single mothers are bad for society. I told him several times to leave and he kept saying okay yeah I'm being a dick ill leave but then he stayed even longer. I don't need this stress but I'm not sure what to do as I don't feel like I can stop him coming to see the baby and i'm not willing to let him see her without me supervising as I don't trust him.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2024 22:24

Of course you can stop him. He sounds absolutely pathetic and he’s unlikely to ever be a decent dad to your baby. Please say the baby has your surname?

Is he still using drugs?

Ks477 · 18/10/2024 22:29

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2024 22:24

Of course you can stop him. He sounds absolutely pathetic and he’s unlikely to ever be a decent dad to your baby. Please say the baby has your surname?

Is he still using drugs?

Edited

Yes I gave her my surname and didn't put him on the birth certificate which he's not very happy about but I told him I'll put him on it in future if he can prove himself to be trustworthy etc.

As far as I know he hasn't used drugs since he moved in with me but obviously I can't be totally sure since he is a liar. And he's basically admitted that he will most likely start using drugs again now that I've kicked him out

OP posts:
Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 18/10/2024 22:37

You don’t want to stop him seeing his child but you don’t have to encourage it either. Next time he wants a visit offer to meet him in a cafe, then you can decide when you’ve had enough.
Concentrate on building up your life as a lone parent. He’ll probably lose interest fairly soon and then you won’t have any further hassle from such a feckless specimen.

Ks477 · 18/10/2024 23:01

Also baby has a disability which I'm going to a lot of appointments at the hospital for so it's very stressful and I just want to focus on that.

He does love her I think? He asks for pictures a lot and asks about her, although he's never done more than hold her for a few minutes. Earlier when I gave her for him to hold he asked me to take her back after a few minutes as she just kept crying.

I kindof doubt he will lose interest in her though as he doesn't have a lot else to focus on, he has no hobbies and no friends since he just moved to the area a few months ago

OP posts:
Catoo · 18/10/2024 23:18

OP, well done for breaking it off with him and getting him to move out.

I think he isn’t a complete hopeless case if he has stayed close by and wants to see your baby.

Are you both quite young? I am not surprised that after 5 weeks he still isn’t confident in how to hold and look after a baby - especially as you say that you didn’t trust him to look after her when he still lived with you. So he hasn’t got a clue what to do. Boost his confidence with her when he is with you. Tell him what works for you to stop her crying or show him. Gradually give him more and more baby responsibilities. Show him how to do nappies and baths etc.

Have set days/times he sees her. Take her to his flat once a week maybe so you can leave whenever you like. Encourage him to get the place baby proof.

Tell him you won’t discuss the relationship with him so he is to stop going on about it. It is a non negotiable boundary for now.

I feel like you could be good coparents in time.

💐

Ks477 · 30/10/2024 21:21

Things still really not going well, he's come round 4 times this week and honestly it's making me really depressed having to see him so often and we usually end up arguing.

Today he commented on the size of my boobs which he did last week too (I'm breastfeeding so I'll usually have one out when he gets here). He kept talking about our breakup again and saying things like "I was in the shop earlier and saw the flowers and it reminded me of when I bought you flowers" 🙄

I made him a bottle of expressed milk to give to baby, halfway through I took her to burp her and then gave her back to him, he was talking about something and basically just forgot that he was supposed to be feeding her, she was crying in his arms wanting the rest of the bottle and he was just ignoring her. I told him to give her the rest and he had trouble getting it in her mouth as she was upset and he got stressed and shouted her name in quite a snappy way.

I got annoyed then and we argued a bit and he started saying that he thinks I'm never going to let him look after her unsupervised, I said hopefully one day but not while she's so young and vulnerable because I don't trust him and I don't know when but we'll just have to see how things go in future and it depends on his behaviour etc. he started crying and yelled "so you're basically telling me I'm a worthless piece of shit!!" And stormed out slamming the door.

OP posts:
Eyerollexpert · 30/10/2024 21:40

Sounds like he is a usless ......
However don't let him manipulate the situation, he is spoiling your life and your baby's probably as he has little else to do. As someone already said meet in a public place and set a time, we need to be.....at 3pm got to go.
Tell him to stop with the woe is me he brought it on himself.
You can do this.💐

everywomansshoes · 30/10/2024 21:47

Congratulations on your new baby @Ks477

Your situation sounds really hard - but you can change this. Take control and stop allowing this manchild to visit you in your home.
If he wishes to see his child he can make arrangements to do that somewhere else - your home must be your sanctuary.
As a mum we have to make tough decisions for the safety and wellbeing of our children and ourselves. Happy mum = happy baby.

everywomansshoes · 30/10/2024 21:48

Oh and keep the conversation to the baby. If he tries to change the subject ignore and don't reply.

And while we're at it how bloody dare he comment on your body. Find your anger!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page